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Teenagers

16 year old daughteer

6 replies

wittsend1910 · 09/12/2013 11:15

Hi, I am new to this but I am tearing my hair out over my 16 year old. She met a lad last year when she was 15, she went to a friends mothers house 100 miles away with her friend, while there she met this lad who was 16 and they had sexual contact, I was very upset when I found out. she stopped contacting him then just after she turned 16 she told me they were having a relationship. I contacted his mother who thinks it is perfectly acceptable for her son to have had sex with an under aged girl. I have allowed him to visit to try and get to know him, trouble is I can't bear to be near him. This has driven a huge wedge between us, when previously we had been so close. I have agreed for her to visit him at new year, about 250 miles away, against my better judgement. She informed me this morning that she wants to end her education here and move in with his family to continue her education with him. I am horrified, I have talked to her saying it is better to finish her education first (she has to stay in ed/training until 18 due to government changes) then if the relationship is still going then she will be old enough to make such choices. I have said they could see each other during collage holidays, this to her mind is not good enough and I am terrified she will run away to be with him. What can I do, I know I am probably being overprotective but I don't trust him and I certainly do not trust his mother to keep her safe. His mother has basically told me to mind my own business, which is easy for her as it is not her daughter. This makes me question her morals. Please help. I have hardly slept for months because of this.

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julieann42 · 09/12/2013 11:31

It is so hard to get it right with teens...make someone off bounds nd they became even more attractive and you make yourself the bad guy. But I can understand why..sometimes if we let go and take the pressure off they won't be able to fight you any more then they give up..is this a road you could take..???

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wittsend1910 · 09/12/2013 12:37

Hi Julieann, this is the path I have been trying to take, I have let him stay with us and I have welcomed him, the same as I would any guest to my home, I have not screamed at her about it or even raised my voice about it, this apparently makes her scared of me? I have stayed calm, I have told her that my husband (her dad) and I don't like or trust him but we were willing to give him a chance, still she sees this as some kind of fight, and that we are placing restrictions on her, I really don't know how to proceed. Thanks for getting back to me x

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julieann42 · 09/12/2013 12:45

Carry on being calm, keep channels of communication open..do you feel able to let her go and see if she can work out for herself that's it's not all going to be a bed of roses. She probably won't get the same love care attention at the boyfriends and will soon realise where she is better off and maybe she will see that you have said the things you have because you love her. Don't worry about her morals..you can only give them advice and guidence but at the end of the day she will have to live her life her own way with her own moral compass.

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chocoluvva · 09/12/2013 13:01

My sympathies - you are in a difficult situation. I think most people in your situation would worry too.

You've done very well to stay calm, but it's a pity you've told your DD you don't like her BF - that will be why "she still sees this as some kind of fight". In order to maintain a good relationship with her my advice would be to apologise for saying that and try to explain that it's hard for parents to accept that their DC are young adults/engaging in adult behaviour etc. It's not that you don't like him it's just that you worry/lots of parents are wary of the first serious BF etc

Don't criticise BF's mum either - even though she sounds awful.

Try not to panic - teenagers SAY loads of things... Also, if the worst came to the worst and she did move in with him it probably wouldn't last anyway. Could they spend every other weekend with each other perhaps? (hopefully, the relationship would run its natural course and end)

Keep being loving and supportive to your DD without putting pressure on her if you can so that she is secure and therefore hopefully less likely to make poor choices. Try to listen to her without arguing/passing judgement/advising as much as possible.

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chocoluvva · 09/12/2013 13:04

x-posted. I completely agree that if she did move in with her BF it probably wouldn't be great. Also, you don't know how he or his mum feel about having her with them....

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wittsend1910 · 09/12/2013 23:40

Thank you so much, I will certainly take advice on board, It isn't possible for them to see each other every other weekend as we live in Suffolk and he lives in Yorkshire, I allmost wish he lived nearer then maybe they would get bored. Thank you for the support as well I am starting to feel a little better x