no respect for others possessions/stealing..what should I do?

[febel]

Hi, have put in various posts about the problems we are having with our 16 yr old ...and yes our other two were ok but her behaviour has and is very challenging.
One problem we have is her lack of respect for other people's things. Today she took her dad's bus pass (not an OAP one but one which gives cheaper fares if you load money onto it and use it instead of cash) without asking...went into his WALLET, in his trouser pocket (he was in his jim jams downstairs) ...she'd landed a last minute arrangement ot meet a lad in town and left her music group early to do so, thus letting them down too (which we pay for..second time she's done this..but swears she still wants to go..enjoys the social) We couldn't give her a lift as we share lifts with someone else and I wasn't making the half hour trip twice..we'd have got into town with her only to turn round and drive back to music school..don't judge me please, this isn't the first time.
Previously she has stolen money off my debit card to top her phone up (I didnt' realise it was real money really and I was desperate she said..yeh right..not realised it was real money at 15?)
She also has taken alcohol to drink without asking (sorry but I'm not happy about her necking back cider on her own in the house) and today I found 2 boxes of chocolates, empty, in her room (no wonder she hasn't been eating..and I was worried about her not eating much?!) and the two empty boxes of choc biscuits I'd bought for everyone to eat at xmas...she has sat in her room and eaten them on her own. They weren't even in the kitchen cupboards but were in the cellar, with the xmas stuff. she also used to help herself to her older sister's stuff til she got a lock for her door

I just don't know what to do and can't understand why she doesn't respect other peoples' belongings (more than the food..altho upset she has eaten our xmas goodies) Her sisters wer bought up the same and we've not had this problem. Her future worries me...if she doesn't respect others belongings? Am not sure how to tackle this, and feel I can't buy anything without her helping herself to it. We have discussed it, it seems to go in one ear and out the other. Might I add she is NOT deprived, far from it!

[Wibble1999]

I have one like that. Trouble is also no respect for their own stuff. Even clothes they may have paid £100 for is destroyed with one wearing or left dirty on the floor for weeks.
I'm contemplating getting a lock for my room after another mobile charger and a neckless when missing this week.
Just seems so sad and know it will worsen an already difficult relationship, not to mention make my life bloody difficult.

[specialsubject]

sounds like that's the end of Christmas and birthday presents for her until this stops. Is she capable of rational explanation as to what she thinks entitles her to do this?

install lots of locks, buy her nothing and also try to get her to understand that out in the world, this behaviour has even more serious consequences.

[flow4]

It took me a long time to realise that I could actually stop my ds1 stealing from me. In fact, it took a Family Lives counsellor to make me see it...

It is actually quite simple, though it's a pita: you put locks on bedroom doors and get in the habit of locking everything up. It then breaks the habit the teen has developed, which is essentially a very immature want=take impulse.

I really, really didn't want to do it. It felt like a massive failure, and I was sure I should be able to stop him some other way. But you can't change the behaviour of kids who have got to this point - they have to learn to control themselves, and they can't do that while they are given daily, hourly or constant opportunities to act on impulse. Punishment doesn't work IME: my DS lost months of allowance and privileges, and still stole and 'borrowed'. It's exactly like putting someone into a cake shop and telling them they have to diet.

I was very focused on trying to understand why my son was stealing too. I have my theories: for instance, he lost his relationship with his dad, and felt constantly 'deprived' of something important, so constantly took things to try to 'fill the gap'. However, I realised that by trying to understand his reasons, I was actually making excuses for him. Really, in this situation, understanding is not the priority; stopping the stealing is the priority.

[febel]

Thank you for that all of you, particularly flow4 as you have been through this it seems...we too feel like failures and although we have bought a couple of locks for doors (namely her sister's room, esp as she is away at uni for a lot of the time and I didn't see why YD should be taking her things without asking) I did hope I could stop the taking by talking and punishments...but these don't seem to be working at all , she just doesn't seem to understand you shouldn't take or "borrow" (and not put back so get discovered!) things which aren't yours.

Sadly looks like locks may be the only answer....but she will be paying for more xmas biscuits..and prob at full price now as I got them on offer! Am dreading the denial and/or tantrums though when I bring it up....

[flow4]

I'd be surprised if she didn't understand. My DS knew perfectly well that he shouldn't be taking things that weren't his - and he only ever took f

[flow4]

Oh, I'd be surprised if she doesn't understand. I bet she knows what she is doing is unacceptable... My DS knew perfectly well that he shouldn't be taking things that weren't his - as he showed clearly because he only took from his own family, not anyone else - but he just couldn't or wouldn't control himself. Oh, he blustered a lot, and said many of the things your daughter is saying (I.e. Why was I making such a fuss? He was just borrowing. So what? It was no big deal. It was my fault for X, Y or Z reason... Etc...) but eventually I realised that the more indignant he got, the more guilty he felt and the more he knew he had acted badly.

I found that hugely frustrating. I can remember saying over and over again "You know stealing is wrong! So why do you do it?!" With hindsight, I think knowing was better than not knowing, because it meant he did actually have the moral values I wanted him to have - he just wasn't using them. Now he's a couple of years older and wiser, he is. Thank goodness.

I bet your dd will grow out of it too. Meanwhile (and I know I've said this to you before) if you want to survive without having a nervous breakdown, you need to tackle the behaviour but detach emotionally from it. Fit the locks, tell her stealing is terrible and it's outrageous you've had to take this action... Then turn your attention elsewhere - do something nice for yourself if poss... Easier said than done, I know, but it will help. :)

[MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday]

I second Flow4.
My DS1 was our thief.. and he stole a LOT of money from us before I realised.. from wallets, from is siblings, he emptied my piggy bank of £200... he flogged my ipod classic, the x box controllers... you name it.

We put locks in doors and bought a safe and EVERYTHING went in it. And we told him bluntly that we had to do this because we couldn;t trust him and that if we found a single penny gone again we would call the police.

It worked.. horrid tho it was, and he grew out of it. He was saved by getting a p/t job at 16 and earning his own income..he realised that having money he earned was good and that he would be hurt if it was taken from him.

Now at 20 he is a decent young man, no stealing for years and he generally pays me back if he borrows at the end of his wage packet

Like Flow, I had to detach the emotion from the behaviour and treated DS1 with cool distain over it. Ignored the denials and protests and made it clear it wasn;t up for discussion.

Hang in there!

[MrsBright]

Great advice ladies. Especially Flow - thank you for that clarity on need=take and immaturity.