16 year old - what to do with him?

[NewOldParent]

Firstly, there will be at least 1 person who will recognise me from the scenario, but I need advice and not gossip so i'd appreciate it if you kept it to yourself.

I have 2 children. One is 16, one is younger.

My ex-wife (who they lived with) unfortunately passed away recently. The younger automatically came to live with me. However, the eldest has chosen (at the moment) to live with his Stepfather the original reasoning being:

• I live out of town
• His stepfather wanted the support
• Rules are relaxed (he's currently off college)
• his girlfriend is local

However, I have had a call from his Stepfather. Whilst I thought everything was rosy with this scenario, it appears not.

• He comes and goes at all times of the day and night
• He brings his girlfriend back, has his way and then they both leave without barely saying a word
• He is refusing to go back to college "because he can't be bothered" (despite there being legal ramifications)

So it looks like his Stepfather is going to throw him out. He doesn't want to come to me because "I have rules" (I won't have him sleeping with his girlfriend in the house, he has to be in for mealtimes, I won't take excessive noise after 11 as we all need sleep, he goes to college 2 days a week). Hardly "strict" I think you'd agree.

It would be difficult enforcing many of the rules because he'd need to have his own key and there's no-one at home during the day.

The other thing is, he bullies his brother really badly. He lived separately from his brother initially because of the effect he had on him. Nothing illegal, but still mentally and physically abusive.

Any suggestions? Social services?

I'm not scared to kick him out either. He's had his chances and he's blown them all. I know people will say he's grieving, but having had him live with me before, he's manipulative and will use any excuse to have everything his own way. He's been offered counselling and has turned it down flat.

[SatinSandals]

If you get on well with the step father get together with him and son. Sit him down and tell him the rules and that bullying is not negotiable, he will not do it. Where is he getting money from? Unless he is earning it in a job, cut it off. He only gets it at the end of the week if he has stuck to the rules.
If you don't get on well with the step father just do it in your own.

[NewOldParent]

I get on with his Stepfather, but if he knows I'm coming round, my son will avoid it.
He's a real coward when it comes to confrontation - it's where he shows his immaturity.

I'm going to find out later, but we may have a "girlfriend in the house" ban and it might work all round.

[Palika]

I am all for being strict and sticking to the rules but I think it is a bit harsh to say, 'he had his chances and he has blown it' at sixteen. I feel no love in your post...

I think that is where you should start - get back into actually wanting to care for him and wishing him well. Then work something out and give him another chance.

[NewOldParent]

That does sound harsh and maybe it is. Clearly, it's very difficult to explain the whole history in one post.
I guess what the problem here is that he has never dealt with any rules. He doesn't want to move back in with me because I have rules.

I've also got a younger son who has done absolutely nothing wrong, but has spent many nights crying himself to sleep about the way his brother treats him.

There is a lot of love between me and my eldest - he came to live with me for 2 years after his Mum kicked him out and I loved having him about, despite his behaviour. But I can't let his lack of respect affect everyone else in the family as much as it does.

I guess the thing with him is, he does what he wants, when he wants and doesn't give a sh1t about anyone else..

[adeucalione]

I agree that you and his stepfather need to get together and agree identical ground rules, to avoid him playing you off against each other and choosing the softest option.

Then you both need to explain that, wherever he is living, there will be rules in terms of college, noise, girlfriend and so on.

I don't know the backstory of course but would be cutting him some slack as he will certainly be grieving, and making sure that he understands that any rule enforcement is coming from a place of love and concern.

If he can't accept that then he is old enough to live independently and you could suggest and support him with that.

[TwoDays]

And his Mum has died recently.......

[louby44]

No advice but just wanted to say I'm really sorry you are all in this sad situation. It must be strange for all concerned.

I too have a DS14 and a DS10 and my eldest son is awful to his younger brother, so I sympathise with you there.

Best wishes and here's hoping that your son sees what a fantastic network he has trying to support and help him!