DD16 heartbroken and fallen out with friends at same time :(

[bakehouse]

First post on here! Things are not going well for dd16 atm and don't know what to do with her! Firstly she has fallen out with a very powerful girl in her friendship group over the summer which has resulted in her being pushed out and excluded from things her other friends are doing. Secondly an older boy at school who has been infatuated with her for the past year has suddenly stopped talking to her and started a relationship with a girl in his own year. She always liked him but wd never commit to anything they started seeing each other but never actually went out. However he has always been there for her when she wanted to talk and been lovely kind and supportive. I guess she thought she cd treat him badly and he liked her so much that he'd always be there for her! She now bitterly regrets this and realises how stupid she was and how its totally her fault as she cd have had him whenever she wanted before. She refuses to come out of her room, is crying all the time and doesnt want to go to school. All normal teen girl stuff I know but its so hard to see her like this. She has always been popular and pretty, always out with friends and suddenly its like her whole world has fallen apart!

[monikar]

Oh dear bakehouse I have a 17yo DD and I have been there too and it is just awful.

With hindsight, I honestly think all you can do is to be there for her - listen to her moaning, be a shoulder for her to cry on etc.. She probably needs time to grieve for the loss of the boy as a friend - you say she regrets treating him badly, and sadly these are lessons our teens have to learn.

I don't know what to suggest about refusing school.

Is she in the sixth form year 12? There is a lot of change and settling in going on at the start of year 12 and you may find that she settles quickly into new friendship groups due to her subjects, and may soon feel happier.

I think having teenagers of these ages is very hard - when our children are little, we as parents can fix everything, but as they get older we can't, and that hits us and our teens very hard. It has been quite a realisation to me to have to acknowledge this and I find it very difficult, but that is part of them growing up.

[nickstmoritz]

Lessons in life and love. I hope she won't be dominated by a queen bee so I would encourage her to stick to her true self as far as the power player goes. Other girls will probably come round and be friendly to your DD. Maybe she can arrange a meet up or sleepover with one of the group that might be more of a friend to her. As for the boy, really she just has to apologise if she hurt him and hope they can be friends. Give it a bit of time and don't pester him.

She will get over it, I think most people have gone through the same thing. All you can do is be kind and lend an ear (and maybe chocolate!).

She needs to keep up with her studies though so concentrate on that and the other things will probably come right in time. Hope she feels better soon.

[bakehouse]

Thanks for your comments. I agree, it's so hard not being able to make everything ok for your kids as they get older, that's what I'm struggling with. She has gone into school today (btw she is year 11, he is year 12) but text me saying she saw him holding hands with the other girl at break and so ran into the toilets crying. I will definitely mention to her to try not to pester him as she was trying to talk to him on Facebook last night and although he was answering, she said it seemed a very awkward conversation and nothing like the way they used to talk. She needs to accept that he has moved away from her because she never gave the impression she wanted to be close to him and part of the reason she really wants him now is because she can't have him! As for the friendship issues she still has friends at school but they all seem to be very much under the control of the very unpleasant girl in their group. For example if DD is talking to someone, Queen Bee will come up and drag them away saying she has something important/private to tell them. I seriously cannot believe the girls are still behaving like this in year 11! I work at a primary school and expect this sort of thing with 7 year olds but not 16 year olds!