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Dealing with my own rage

(11 Posts)
MrsFrederickWentworth Thu 25-Jul-13 22:03:29

Burberry's idea puts me in mind of the Ds of a friend who was dead stroppy. Didn't get on at school. But negotiated with them working on a vocational course at the local Fe college 2 days a week, 3 days in school.

Made a huge difference

Got nursery nurse qualification and z few gcses. Nursery nursed, then teaching assistant. Now going for HLTA and thinks may end up as s teacher.

This for the girl who got in trouble on many many levels. Cory is right.

burberryqueen Thu 25-Jul-13 11:08:56

are there any 'pre-GCSE' courses at local FE colleges that you and she could consider as an alternative to school?

is there a reason why she is doing GCSE maths so early?

rather than letting the LA take you to court, can you pre-empt the situation somehow? Please try to switch off from pressing education issues for the next few weeks at least, it is a holiday for you as well as her.

alemci Thu 25-Jul-13 11:07:49

so sorry to hear about this. have the school not got a truancy officer who could help you to get her to school. where I used to work a person usedto visit school refusers. if she wont go to school how are you meant to make her.

if you are fined or think you will be then tell your dd not to expect any gifts, lifts or any finance as you are out of pocket trying to pay the fines.

take time out for you and distance yourself from her.

cory Thu 25-Jul-13 10:57:21

It sounds absolute shit and I am not surprised that you are exhausted. But at least I think you should try to lighten your burden by cutting out some of the worries that are tormenting you. They are not all of equal importance and they are not all equally urgent: some you could probably get away with not worrying about ^just now^; they could be filed away for later.

Your last post mentioned to strain of watching her cock up her education. I know how it feels, but do try to remember that education is a lifelong process, that there are plenty of ways back, and that contrary to MN wisdom not everybody who fails to get 12 A*s is doomed to a life in the gutter.

Dd (academically very bright but with severe anxiety problems) pretty well dropped out of education in Yrs 9 and 10. She managed to get back on half days during the last term of Yr 11 and sat a reduced number of GCSE's. We are hoping she will scrape a pass in 5 subjects, instead of the 10+ A's/A*'s originally predicted, though she may well have failed her maths. So yes, it wasn't quite what we had expected- but then again, the world hasn't come to an end either. She is going to college in the autumn, her first choice of college, and will be doing the usual number of A-levels, though they may also make her do the GCSE maths again. It is not the end of the line. It is not the end of anything. Any time I have spent on agonising over this has been time wasted.

I have postgraduate students who have made a complete hash of their time at school and come back to education as adults. And then again I know very successful people who have not come back to formal education because they found they didn't need it.

We cannot see the future, you and I. So I would take this one particular problem and put it on the shelf. Tell yourself "I won't think about this today". Not a great big help, I know, but if that buys you half an hour a week in which you can think of yourself, it's got to be better than nothing.

Minifingers Thu 25-Jul-13 10:25:27

Sorry for the long silence - end of term stuff overwhelming at the moment.

Thank you everyone - as usual, so much helpful advice. I REALLY do need to chill out, I know that.

It's just so, so hard. Especially now she's home all day.

I'm trying to control my worries for September, which is only 6 weeks off. We've been told that if she continues to skip school/be late for school, the shit is really going to hit the fan, and I'm scared that she's going to carry on doing it and we'll have to deal not only with her shit at home, but with the authorities. She will be sitting her first GCSE Maths in November and she's missed a third of her lessons in the last year due to truanting and lateness. And even the lessons she's been in she appears to have done no work - she gets sent out for bad behaviour. She's definitely done no homework for at least 6 months. Even if I keep control over myself in her presence and manage not to shout or rage, I don't know how I'm going to manage my own feelings watching her make a total cock up of her education on purpose. I just don't have great emotional resilience at the moment.

MrsFrederickWentworth Fri 19-Jul-13 23:20:48

My great great grandmother when faced by lots of horrible children, and they were, used to say

I'm hearin' but I'm no heedin'.

It is the perfect answer to a stroppy child, which is what she is.

The other bits of advice are:

Pay minimal attention to her. Be polite and courteous as though she were an unwelcome guest in your house. Focus on the other ones.,

Cherish and protect yourself. V sorry to hear about Ds and hope all will be well. Go and get exercise, dig, do something physical to get rid of all the stress.. take the younger ones on s bike ride.. if madam wants to cone express pleasure but not too much, say we are leaving in 15 mins, and then do. Create some space for yourself, in the bath or whatever.

My goddaughtet was like this. Now she is an independent adult she is better.

Bedward Fri 19-Jul-13 23:13:22

Oh, and have some flowers for everything you do, and some wine wine wine and brew to chill out with.

And I forgot

d) You're obviously v stressed about other stuff too and have a lot on your plate - remember to be nice to yourself and look after yourself as much as you can - sleep enough, eat properly, try to find some 'you' time. You can't stay calm and be there for everyone with all this going on, even without your dd, unless you stay well grounded and nurtured too.

Bedward Fri 19-Jul-13 23:08:53

My 13 year old dd is not as bad but tending in the same direction in terms of insensitivity, self-obsession. I don't know how to control her attitude - I can't, blatantly - but will control her behaviour by removing all privileges eg mobile phone, computer use, access to any money at all. I know I am only doing that for her own good so can explain it calmly and rationally. Knowing in my own heart that I am doing it out of love and it is for both our good helps me to stay calmer (well, obviously I lose the plot totally, sometimes.)

I think with my dd that what she wants is independence and she'll be much happier in about 2-3 years when she can be more independent. Until then, she's going to be frustrated, and cross and rude. But that's just how it is - for both of us. Her behaviour and understanding of what is safe/appropriate is just too limited at this age for her to be able to have that independence yet.

It's a tough stage.

I think it is much easier for kids of this age to be reactive, to put their energies into opposing you and her family, than it is to come up with a positive strategy going forward. The world is a scary place - if she can convince herself that getting one over on you makes her a 'winner', thus ignoring the real battles - to make something positive of her own life - then she will. Of course, the reality is that behaving like a cow to your mother does not catapult anyone to the big league, but if you take it as a backhanded compliment, she obviously thinks you matter enough to put all that energy into being creatively horrible to. hmm

I'm typing this for me as much as me - it is what I believe, but need to remind myself as much as tell you. It is frustrating, but I know it will end at 18 - I can't afford to support her once she's left school (and if I could, wouldn't wish to) and the pressure of real life and having to support herself, will kick in.

Re your situation, re-reading,it sounds like your dd might well be worried deep down about all the stuff going on in your family, too, but is in denial and finding it easier to not let herself get emotionally involved.

So my suggestions to avoid rage would be

a) remind yourself you're doing what you need to do and acting for the good of everyone incl your dd - and just don't get drawn into arguments further on this topic
b) have some sympathies that our emotionally incontinent dds may well have worries of their own they don't know how to deal with - and so feel pity rather than rage (but don't expect them to 'share' or remotely understand their own emotions
c) remember they will grow out of it once they have more freedom and so can see a parent as an equal not a (superior but loathed) prison officer.

flow4 Fri 19-Jul-13 22:56:05

Mini, I remember that stage really well. For me, it was when I discovered that DS1 had accessed my savings and spent around £1k on drugs and McDs, and then, when I could maybe have dealt with it if he'd been contrite and keen to make amends, he carried on being the same total sh*t he had been for another 6 months or so. I was so, so, so angry with him I couldn't speak to him or look him in the eye.

I found myself getting irrationally furious at smallish things. It fet like I was a saucepan bubbling on the hob: I was already almost at boiling point because he'd kept the 'heat' on so high and so long, and it only took tiny extra flames to make me boil over. sad

It is a horrible, horrible way to live, and you are right it will make you ill if you carry on. It made me ill, with symptoms that were so horrible I was investigated for a whole load of serious conditions before the docs finally decided it was probably mostly 'just' stress. hmm sad

When I posted pretty much the same question, about 18 mths ago, people gave me some good ideas, including counselling, exercise and being super-polite - have a look at that thread to see their suggestions.

With hindsight, I'd say that the thing that helped most was taking my attention off him as much as possible - doing new things for myself and simply trying not to think much about how horrible he was being. You have a lot of other stress going on too, so it will be doubly-important for you to look after yourself and do some good stuff... smile

Good luck!

SanityClause Fri 19-Jul-13 20:09:45

Oh, Minifingers, my heart just bleeds for you, every time you post about her. sad

I haven't really got anything helpful to say, but I'm just bumping until Helpful people come along.

Minifingers Fri 19-Jul-13 18:26:21

3 year history of shite behaviour from dd. have posted on this board many times. Am posting this time to ask for words of wisdom in dealing with my anger - I feel consumed by it at the moment. I know I should detach. I know a bit about teenage brains. I've read 'Get Out Of My Life'. I just CAN'T not be furious at the moment, and it's making me feel exhausted and affecting my ability to be calm and loving to my two younger dc's.

It's not that her behaviour is massively worse than before. If anything it's been calmer of late because we've stopped making demands on her to do homework, help around the house or be in bed at a sensible time. (Most school nights she's still up at 11.30pm and then struggles to get up in the morning. It's easier to deal with this than her screeching and slamming around the house at 10.30pm when we try and make her go to bed).

But she's still taking days off school when she feels like it, and regularly making herself very late on the days she does go in, to the extent that we will be facing fines and possibly court action next academic year if she continues to do it. The school have told us this.

Anyway, what's put me in a steaming rage is this: the last week I've been beside myself with worry about ds1 (9) who has been referred to paediatrics for a couple of suspicious lumps which appeared in his chest over the weekend of July 6th. Ds himself has been miserable with worry - he's a hypochondriac and an emetophobe with an unhealthy interest in the contents of net doctor, and despite me trying to be breezy and minimise the issue, turned around to me last week and said 'If I've got cancer, please just let me die - I don't want to have chemotherapy". sad At the same time this is going on with Ds, MIL has gone into hospital and is very poorly, and convinced she's not coming home. Incontinent and senile FIL is at home needing lots of help, which DH and his sisters have been taking it in turn to provide. and as usual DH is very, very busy at work, so feels very much under pressure.

DD's response? Business as usual. She really, truly doesn't seem to give a flying fuck. I have cried in front of her twice this last week with frustration over her behaviour and from pent up anxiety over DS. Which of course she's then used as ammunition - I am a 'crap parent' and ''have mental problems' for crying and breaking down in front of her. As far as she's concerned her behaviour is 'really not that bad' and I'm making a fuss over nothing. My line in the sand is - she goes to school, she gets there on time, she tells us where she is after school and comes home when she says she's going to. It's not unreasonable to request this of a 13 year old is it? But she CAN'T seem to comply.

Where do you go when the line that you've drawn in the sand is crossed - again and again? Casually, light heartedly, by a child who doesn't appear to have any serious problems other than the ones she has created for herself by flouting basic rules of conduct most other children seem willing to comply with?

I CAN'T live like this for another three years. I'll have a heart attack or a breakdown. I can't be a good parent to my other children when I'm having to deal with this level of daily stress.

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