I have a 15 yr old DS. Generally he is pretty good, gets on OK at school, a bit above average, could work harder but makes some effort.
He is computer mad, and I mean mad. He is ambitious and wants to get a masters degree in computing and work at a computer games manufacturer designing computer games. He already has a lot of university prospectuses and has a firm idea of which uni he would like to go to. He has volunteered for a year at our local computer shop for a few hours a week completely off his own back. He has also spent 2 and a half years saving every penny he had (he asked for money for xmas and birthdays) and built himself his own computer to have in his room. He has read every computer building book and watched every you tuber who builds computers.
He is my only child but I live with my DP who has kids and have done for 3 years, DSD aged 15 lives with us full time, the others are part time. DS gets on well with all of the step kids and they all really like him. There are no issues at all between the kids. I, however, will admit to struggling to go from being a single mum to having to share DS. We were very close as I was single mum to just him for a long time.
DS Dad has 4 older grown up kids and now has a 1 yr old too. I don't think DS has ever felt part of his Dad's life (most of his older kids don't talk to their Dad). DS Dad has been terribly unreliable over the years and we have been apart since DS was 4 year old. I have never slagged off his Dad and have kept an amicable relationship throughout DS life for his sake and I used to have to be very firm with DS about seeing his Dad when he used to whinge he didn't want to go. DS has become quite defensive of his Dad the older he has got. Something I would not have expected to happen! I would have thought he would have started to see just how unreliable he is when he is arranging contact through DS and lets him down at the last minute (or several hours after agreed pick up time) but DS makes constant excuses for him. :-( He has told me he wants to see his Dad more and accused me of stopping contact, when for example ex decided at last minute to have DS for the weekend when I had plans on "my" weekend. Of course, on the weekends when I haven't made any plans, his Dad lets him (and me!) down. Despite DS saying all this, there are still times he says he doesn't want to see his Dad and chooses to stay at home instead!
I understand he is getting older but he just sits in his room the whole time lately. I have a rule where both kids need to come off computers at 8pm (DS will be on it from the moment he gets home with the exception of having dinner) so they can shower and get lunches etc ready for the next day. Also, so they can come and sit in the front room for 20 mins before bed (they both sit on their phones when they do this anyway!) and interact with us for a little while. I have to constantly nag DS at 8pm every night!
I've taken to turning the internet off at night and making him charge his mobile phone downstairs as I have caught him on the phone or on the pc late at night before. Of course, he could still play on the pc (or x box) without playing online.
I tend to be less strict at weekends in the vain hope that he will self regulate but he will sit up all night and sleep all day, will literally only come down and eat a slice of bread (too lazy to make a sandwich) and then chocolate, he will go 24 hours without a drink! He is then absolutely knackered on Mondays.
He will see friends but only if I nag him to do it. He often leaves it to the last minute and then it's too late to do anything.
We always go and see my family in the summer but he is moaning and whingeing about having to go. He is also staying with a friend of mine this weekend whilst DP and I go away for 2 nights and he is already asking if he can take his pc with him and moaning about having to go.
If I try and encourage him to see friends and then ask him what the plans are, he snaps at me to stop nagging. I point out to him that I am going out that night so can't bail him out with a lift and he snaps again. I leave it. He goes out, then texts me demanding I pick him up! I refused and someone elses Mum stepped in.
He is very shy at family events and really doesn't seem to enjoy them but I feel opting out teaches him the wrong thing and will only make his shyness worse long term. I see my DSD's making conversation at the table and DS is just slouched in the corner. :-(
I try making him come out for a bike ride, tried encouraging him to take up running with me when he expressed an interest, recently got the movie channels on sky so he could watch those with us, ask him to help with cooking etc. but he literally just wants to sit in his room in front of the computer. He is complaining of neck ache at weekends and I know it's because he is sitting at the pc all day! If I do push him to do things and make him do it, he is always very negative and moany although sometimes does seem to enjoy it once he actually gets away from the pc. I managed to coax him out of his room at the weekend to muck about in the garden with DSD aged 10 and myself but literally had to be there with him otherwise he would have skulked back to his room and even then it was only for 30 mins.
So, I wonder if I should be imposing more limits on computer time, making him do more activities (If I can!) considering moving his pc that he worked so hard for, to downstairs in a communal room or should I just carry on as I am and let him be miserable in his pit all day long at weekends and when he gets in from school?
I'm hoping it's just a phase and he'll start making his own decisions and life soon enough but I'm also scared he'll get to 23 and still be sitting in his room playing computer games with virtually no social skills!
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Do I get firmer or let him make his own life?
15 replies
mumtogrumpyteen · 02/07/2013 11:31
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