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Are we overreacting????

(11 Posts)
assumpta Tue 09-Apr-13 17:44:13

Hi dd of 13 is a compulsive convincing liar. She lies about stupid things, i.e. eating crisps, chocolate, washing herself, brushing teeth etc, that is the things I know of, but because she is so adamant and convincing, I do t know if she is also lying about other things. For example a friend who is a teacher said that my dd was continually 'pinging' and 'bbm'ing o e of her students through a school performance. I asked and she said 'no, no way, don't even know that girl'. I checked with my friend and she was convinced it was my dd. It cold well have been, but.....I just don't know anymore, and yes the other child could have turned off her phone, but that's not my worry, the lying is. We have spoken to her calmly, we have told her we know she is lying because nobody else has touched or taken the items in question. I have explained that there is no need to lie, that if she took it, she will just simply be told to ask in the future, then finished. I have explained that if she lies, she may get in a bit of trouble, but not big trouble like she will if I find out that she was lying. We have confiscated phones and her laptop. We have stopped her from doing something she loves, but she stops for a couple of weeks, then back to it again. She has gum disease from not brushing her teeth, had terrible B.O., from not washing or using deodorant, but that has got better, as I ask every day, and can physically smell it if she is lying, it with everything else, I am lost and we are at our wits end. I don't want to not believe my daughter if a bigger issue comes up at school etc., but how can I believe her???? Do I start to tell her lies and let her see how it feels for a few times? My other dd15, has never done this. If she is asked, she tells the truth.

assumpta Tue 09-Apr-13 18:03:36

Sorry, I was rushing so there are a few spelling mistakes.

BastardDog Tue 09-Apr-13 19:36:00

My sons 13 and he lies and lies and lies. He's been doing it since he was 7. We've tried all sorts with him to get him to stop, but nothing's worked. It's like lying is his default setting.

I think it's a passive aggressive thing with him. He doesn't want to do what we want / ask him to do, but he isn't openly defiant, so he lies about everything instead.

A few months ago he'd been messing about with dds make up. She complained to me so I went upstairs to sort it out and he stands in front of me with bright red lips, but denies he's been messing with dds make up.

He's such a rubbish liar generally, but as he gets older he's getting more sneaky and devious with it. I hate his lying, but I hate the deviousness even more.

It's sad because there is so little trust between us.

My dd is very honest. Sometimes she's naughty or messes up, but if you ask her a straight question she'll give a truthful answer.

assumpta Tue 09-Apr-13 19:53:49

Has anyone oven you any advice on what to do? Or anything they have done that has worked?

assumpta Tue 09-Apr-13 19:54:44

'given' not 'oven'.

BastardDog Wed 10-Apr-13 07:26:01

No, I'm afraid nothing has worked in the long term. We've tried rewards, we've tried punishments, we've tried modelling the correct behaviour, we've tried role play, we've tried wondering out loud why he might always feel the need to lie, we've tried removing as many rules and boundaries as possible............

Some things worked for a while, but nothing has helped in the long term.

As I said I feel its a passive / aggressive thing. He doesn't want to do what he's supposed to or required to do, but he won't openly defy us. He doesn't tantrum or strop. He doesn't get angry or shout and swear. He wants us to think well of him, he wants to please us and do the 'right' thing (surprisingly he has a strong view on right and wrong), but that view doesn't translate into actions. He knows what he should do, needs to do or ought to do, but either be can't be bothered or he'd rather be doing something else instead or the desire to do what he knows he shouldn't be doing is too hard for him to resist, so he lies instead.

As he's getting older we now try and let him feel the consequences of his actions. The difficulty with that is that his lies get him into trouble at school and with his friends and then he gets into such a pickle and expects us to step in and sort it out for him. Last year things got so bad we had to move him to a new school. In hindsight I feel that was a mistake on our part. It enabled him to have a fresh start. Maybe we should have left him to face the consequences of his actions at his old school, but that wasn't likely to work as he was truanting most days to escape the situation he had gotten into.

So I'm sorry, but I can't offer any answers.

Ledkr Wed 10-Apr-13 07:50:45

I had a liar too. He is now 28 and still lies so I've no idea.
All I can say us that his lies and other behaviours ruined our mother son relationship so if you can deal with the lying whilst still showing you love him then I would.
I now work with troubled families and often recommend the parents challenge the lie then declare that they know its not true and give reasons why and then calmly walk away without getting into a big debate or argument to prove they (the parent) are right. It seems to work on two ways reduces lying and reduces stress for the family.

assumpta Wed 10-Apr-13 11:55:05

Ledkar - that sounds like a good idea, to explain and walk away. Does your son lie about big things to friends, and work colleagues, or just to you?

teenagetantrums Wed 10-Apr-13 15:11:04

i have a 17year old dd who has been the same since she was very young over stupid things like 'did you eat x out of the fridge?' she will deny it even if she was the only one at home, she also lied about more serious stuff such as stealing money and items from the home. her worst lies have been that i put her into care when she was younger, i had a baby that died ect, all to get attention from her friends, unfortunatly for her friends parents then asked me if these things were true..she is better now, she has a therpaist arranged by the school, she was treated by cahms for a while, but they decided there was nothing wrong with her and she was lying about that as well. If i know she is lying, i will just say thats a lie and walk away, tell her she can talk to me when she can tell me truth ..she has lost many friendships over lying and finally seems to have realised her actions will have consquences, so sorry the only advice i have is to call them on it every time. My older DS while not perfect will tell you truth if you ask if something, even if he knows he will get into trouble with answer.x

Ledkr Wed 10-Apr-13 19:33:34

Yes my ds used to tell some whoppers to school friends then later adult friends. We never know when to believe him cos every now and then we think he's lying and it turns out to be true!!
I'm never sure what it's all about to be honest.

sashh Sun 14-Apr-13 08:56:22

I ask every day, and can physically smell it if she is lying

Why ask then? Just tell her she stinks.

If she doesn't want to wash, and you ask her she is not going to say she hasn't washed because then you will tell her to wash, so in a teenager's mind it is better to lie because there is a chance you might believe her, or you will get into an argument about lies and she doesn't have to wash.

Not sure what to think of your teacher friend, if I'd seen a teenager using their phone I would have confiscated it. Not telling her to stop then telling you is something an 8 year old would do.

Also you could check her phone's history to find out if it is true or not.

Basically I would take any option to lie off her, so if the crisps have disappeared don't ask if she has eaten them, tell her you know she has and will punish.

If she says she didn't give her one opportunity to prove it (sometimes she will be telling the truth) and if she can't add on a punishment for lying.

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