Lonely teenager!

[Bark1968]

Hi! Really sad for my DS - been having a few issues at school lately, mainly with his friends (or lack of them!).He goes around with a large group but never sees them out of school. They use to ask him out but for some reason don't anymore - he doesn't know why.Anyway - today one of his friends invited everyone round to his house (except DS) - he is v upset as you can imagine.The thing is this friend lives in our street so he has seen them all walk past - I feel so sad for him.When I spoke to him earlier I treid to reason with him but I feel really angry and upset for him.He is a lovely person, quiet but very loyal and hasn't a lot of confidence and I feel that this will just knock him back - has anyone else been through this?

[lastone]

Yes, Im going through it with my DD 13. Like you im not sure why it is happening. Her 'friends' are ok with her at school (bar one who has taken a dislike to her) but she doesnt really get invited out anywhere. Her old friends from primary seem to be drifting away. Its so sad to watch it and I feel powerless to help her, except to be there for her. It can be a very lonely experience, for them and us alike.

[mumblechum1]

God yes, exactly the same situation here, it's very weird; ds has always had a pretty good social life but since Xmas he's been left out of half a dozen parties that I know of, all boys he's been friends with for years (the girls still invite him to theirs ).

He's come to the conclusion that it's just not worth stressing about; he still hangs out with them at lunchtime and joins in with the chat etc but he doesn't worry about it not getting deeper. Fortunately his best mate goes to a different school so at least he sees BM and his friends at weekends otherwise he'd do nothing.

Iknow exactly what you're going through, it's so hard to see them excluded for no discernable reason.

For what it's worth, ds reckons he still makes an effort with the school "friends" if you can call them that, ie he still makes conversation with them etc but just tries not to care on a deeper level.

[ladyinthelibrary]

Similar here with DD 15. Am going into to school on Monday (not told her yet) just so it can be put on record what a vile, VILE person the ringleader is, controlling who the other members of their little clique talk to, and completely excluding DD, to the point that they deliberately walk away from her, sit the other side of the classroom etc. Many a day she has come home, and NO-ONE has spoken to her. Her self-confidence/esteem are at rock bottom. She sees herself as being weak because she "isn't dealing with it".

[mumblechum1]

OP, how old is your ds?

[lastone]

I think that this is more common that we realise, its very hard having to contend with all the other parents (online and in real life) who tell you how successful/popular/busy/academic etc their teenagers are. I dont engage in those conversations anymore because it makes me feel so sad afterwards. My DD is lovely, kind, thoughtful, quite bright - but not perfect. I hope she comes out of the other side of this with some sense of her own worth.
LadyintheLibrary - I know exactly what you mean.

[Bark1968]

Nice (in a strange way!) that not alone - it makes me feel really sad for him. I know he's lonely and would love to be invited out but won't push himself - I think he feels that if he asks to go out with them they will say no and he'll feel worse!Not sure what the solution is - but feel very teary about it all!Hopefully it will change and this will be a turning point for him to go find some new friends...not sure if he has the confidence to do it tho!

[Bark1968]

DS -(who is 15) - playing loud music in his bedroom....not saying a word!!!!!

[sugarice]

Bark, I have every sympathy and know just how you feel. My 14 year old ds had this.Friends who live next door but one and right across the road from us do lots with others but never asked ds even though they all walk to and from school in a gang and still do! He would see them from our kitchen window going up and down the road but claimed it didn't bother him . I was texting friends who had sons asking if all was well at school and if there was anything that I wasn't aware of ie bullying/ignoring etc but nothing ..No real solution sorry. Is he Year 10 or 11?

[Bark1968]

Thanks everyone!Sugarice - he is year 10 - so still has another year at school.He can't wait to leave and go to 6th form college and hopefully make new friends, but hope he can make friends at school (and find out from his other 'friends' what he has done wrong!!). He wants to meet new friends but doesn't know where to meet any, so we are looking for clubs etc.but he is not keen on joining anything like football or rugby. He likes music (it's his passion really) - if anyone has any ideas I'd be grateful.

[Ratbagcatbag]

Hi bark. What sort of music does he like?
I was terribly bullied at school and spent many a lonely day, I played in a brass band in the youth section and I made some awesome friends that to this day I would do anything for. Weekends were spent rollers karting, ice skating, bowling and cinema.

[Ratbagcatbag]

Rollers karting obviously has not been invented yet. Roller skating.

[sugarice]

Morning Bark I've come to the conclusion there's no malice towards my ds with regard to his mates just a lack of consideration from them .It is hard for quiet kids like ours to invite themselves but sometimes that is all it takes, if only we could bottle confidence and tell our kids to drink it. He will make new mates in Sixth form but it's still little comfort being a year off I know.

[Bark1968]

Thanks Sugarice:)I know you are right.There is no malice and they do need to push themselves - hopefully their time will come - soon I hope.Just wish there was more that I could do - have a lovely day.

[sugarice]

Hi Bark, I thought being a stroppy but quiet teenager myself with similar problems that we're talking about would prepare me for dealing with my own kids and their issues. How wrong I was . You too have a lovely day.

[BerniW]

Hi Bark. Went through this too to some degree (and still at times now even though ds1 is 19 and at Uni). It's heartbreaking and hard to explain why it happens. My ds1 is LOVELY (ds2 is a monster - but very popular!). Ds1 was never sporty and never quite fitted in with "the lads". I had many a sleepless night about his lack of social life. He never seemed too bothered and was always happy enough to hang out with us and watch a bit of telly if nothing was going on. Ds2 wouldn't be seen dead doing this!

Ds1 moved to a different 6th form and made some fantastic new mates (all sorts, girls, gay lads, straight lads, sporty lads) even got a a girlfriend for a while. He wasn't out all the time, but things definitely picked up.

Now he's at uni and is having the time of his life. Loads of mates (male and female). Still doesn't hang out with many "lads".

During his "quieter years" he was in a drama group and the police cadets both of which kept him busy at times, something like this may help your ds.

I would try not to fret too much (although I know it's hard not to). He'll come into his own one day, at uni or somewhere else. Be glad sometimes that he's not out boozing, smoking and "ladding it up" like my ds2!

[Bark1968]

BerniW - Thank you! Made me feel a lot better...feel much better today anyway, but it really is good to know you are not alone - thank you all!(thanks)