Help! I've agreed to take in a friend's 12-yr-old during half term

[Medea]

My friend, an academic in a small Amercan town, has a 12-yr-old son who is such a seriously talented musician that there was no choice but to send him to a boarding school in England for musical prodigies. In a way it's a bit tragic: this boy has been going to boarding school since he was 10 or so and hardly sees his parents, who don't have the money to visit him that often. So the boy has guardians who are paid to look after him on weekends and during half terms. But unfortunately these guardians are away this half term, so I've agreed to take him in, as a favor to my friend, and because I can't possibly say no to a homeless boy.
Problem is, I've taken the boy in once before and it was no fun. In addition to being a talented musician he's scarily intelligent & has the arrogance to go with it. I found him kinda insufferable, to be honest. I took him to the concert of a famous musician who plays the same instrument that this boy does, and when I tried to discuss the performance with him, he answered my questions in obnoxious monosyllables. And he appeared to just barely tolerate me, my husband, and my kids (6 & 3) and said virtually nothing to us. And after being dined & entertained by us for a whole weekend, there was no thank-you, and no word at all, in fact.
Here are some additional problems:
--I work from home and, like his dad, I teach. . .so I can't really entertain him during the week.
--I have a nanny who will have to look after my two: is it right to ask her to watch him too?
--He's quite self-sufficient and introverted. . .so is it OK just to leave him in his room to his own devices for long periods?
-- If not, what do we do with him for 9 days?
I know very little about 12-year-olds, so any practical suggestions greatly appreciated.

[Milliways]

Does he think you are being paid as well to look after him? Is that why he trats you so badly?

[Medea]

Millways, I can only assume that his parents would tell him we're not being paid, but who knows.

[frogs]

I have a 10-yo, and have had sundry teenage cousins/nephews and nieces to stay over the years. I would be inclined to be upfront with the boy about what the arrangements are going to be, and what you expect of him.

Along the lines of: X asked me to have you to stay for half term, and I'm happy to do that. But I need to be sure that you understand how this household functions, so that we all know what to expect from each other.

Then you lay down household rules and arrangements, explain what you've organised by way of treats and outings, state that you will treat him with courtesy and try to meet his reasonable requests. You could mention that you noticed he'd spent a lot of time alone on his last visit, and ask if he's happy being by himself. Spell out that you are running a busy household/business/family, he is a guest in your house, so you also expect him to behave the towards you with common politeness, which includes doing his best to fit in and make a positive contribution towards family life.

Don't try too hard to impress or make him like you, but don't take any shit. I wouldn't be too wowed by the musical prodigy routine, myself. 12-year olds can act like stroppy teenagers, but deserve to be treated like grownups only in the same measure that they behave like grownups. If they behave like sulky 5-yo, then that's how you treat them.

[Medea]

Thanks lots frogs and majorca. Frogs, I was way too ingratiating last time. . ..really treated him like an adult and tried way too hard to be his friend. Your viewpoints are helpful. And Majorca (is that how you spell Majorca in real life. . .? I always spell it Mallorca.. .oops!) thanks for the entertainment tips. . .those may be useful at the weekends.

Will have a chat with his dad tonight, and explain my limitations so it's all v. clear.

And we'll talk details generally.

If anyone else who knows a thing about 12-yr-old wants to suggest anything, please do!

[RTKangaMummy]

Do you have any neighbours or other friends with teenagers that could come over

Or even a friend from boarding school for the day

Is it close to you?

[Libra]

My experience of boys of this age is that they prefer to move in packs so he may feel quite vulnerable on his own. My 12 year old checks his every move against what his friends would approve of/do in the circumstances. He can be moody but can also be a complete charmer - I have yet to work out what the ideal conditions for this are. However, he enjoys playing his guitar, surfing the net (allowed on to certain sites only and I do check); watching TV or DVDs and cooking. He really loves the responsiblity of being asked to produce the evening meal if he is off on holiday and the rest of us have work to do. Loves to make the shopping list and then will spend most of the day preparing the food. He likes the responsibility and the permission to make a mess, I guess.
Remember that it is his holiday - maybe he just wants to lie around doing very little. Can you arrange a library card for your local library for a week. My DS is a big reader and spends much time sprawled on the sofa reading. Hope this helps.

[Medea]

No to all 3 question RTKM. . .though I'd thought of that.

Libra, can a 12 year old be entrusted to go to the library by himself (it's a 10 minute walk) in a busy area of London with a high volume of traffic? These are the kinds of things I have no clue about.

[RTKangaMummy]

oh dear

It would depend how much freedom he has at boarding school really

If he is allowed out alone?

Is the school in a city or large town or is it in countryside?

[Libra]

Medea
Sorry - live in small Aberdeenshire village so not very good at assessment of traffic risk. My DS wanders around the village by himself enroute to friend's houses and the golf club, but there's not a lot of places he could go, if you see what I mean. Giving him a mobile phone means that I can contact him at any time. He is quite good at ringing in when required to tell me where he is. We are having debates at the moment about whether he is ready to go into Aberdeen with some mates, so I know it's the sort of time when they are trying to push the boundaries all the time. Could you ask his parents what they allow him to do at the school? Does your nanny go to the library and could he go along with her to 'help' with the little ones. My DS is really good at helping with his 3 year-old brother. To be frank, I think he actually enjoys doing the sticking and gluing activities himself. It's a funny age - you want to be seen as grown up but you also like making masks and painting pictures.

[RTKangaMummy]

Could you contact the MATRON who looks after him in his boarding house?

Her number should be on the website pages

She will have some knowledge of how much freedom they are allowed to have on weekends

[frogs]

Medea, my 10 yo is allowed to go to the swimming pool, library and youth club etc without an adult, tho' usually with a friend, and by arrangment only. We're in central London. And from September she will be taking the tube across town to school by herself. But she's in quite a tough inner-London primary school, so reasonably streetwise. And of course she knows the area. I wouldn't let a 12yo loose in London unless he/she had done it before, with parental blessing. But if he has a friend staying or living somewhere locally, I think it would be reasonable to eg. let them go the cinema together, subject to fairly tight controls.

But check with the father what his expectations are, as plenty of people might not be happy with that degree of latitude.

[Medea]

This is all so helpful, thank you.

[katierocket]

sorry i can't offer any practical advice Medea but just wanted to say that I think you're a star putting him up. I'm sure some of his surliness is down to feeling abandoned but that doesn't really help you much.

Frogs advice is great, particularly about not taking any sh*t!

[Medea]

Thanks katierocket.

Just had long chat with boy's dad, explaining my limitations etc.

Also found out boy is now 13, not 12. OMG--is that worse?

[frogs]

Medea, chill! A 13yo is a child -- okay, a large stroppy child, but still. Just like littler children, they like to know what is expected of them. Don't presume that, because he looks more like an adult than a 6yo, he will have an adult perception of social niceties, or any kind of appreciation or understanding of what your work in running the household entails.

I know my dd1 would be hideously embarrassed spending the weekend in the house of someone she didn't really know, simply because she would be unsure how to act. People going out of their way to be nice and make an effort would probably make her feel even more on the spot. A teen/preteen covering up awkwardness can come across as sulky and arrogant when actually they're just nervous and embarrassed. Just spell it all out to him, friendly but nice and clear (think Dr Tanya Byron!), and bear in mind this is where your 6yo will be in another 6 years. He's not an alien!

[sunnydelight]

As mother of a 12 1/2 year old boy, I was going to say a lot of the stuff that frogs just has! My son would HATE to stay with "strangers", particularly if he thought that they were just tolerating his presence as a favour to his parents. Have a chat with him about how the week will pan out - you can explain the limiations of your time, and maybe ask him what he would like to do and have some agreement about how he spends his time. It would also be helpful for him if you spell out things like does your nanny make meals for him (obviously you need to negotiate this with her too), can he help himself from the fridge (never underestimate how much boys this age can eat!), arrangements for laundry etc. Remember if he has been at boarding school for a few years he may just be used to things being done for him, so what may seem like ingratitude to you might just be thoughtlessness. At the end of the day though you are a grown up and he is a child staying in your house so it's up to you to set the house rules. I make it very clear to my son's friends when they are around that I am not running a restaurant, sleepovers actually involve sleeping and manners are not optional.

[Medea]

Thanks for the reality check, Frogs.

Sunnydelight, he'd have no reason to think I'm tolerating him. . .I went to a major effort last time to be his friend, to be a surrogate mom, to do things with him, to engage in conversation with him. . .I wanted and tried to be the caring adult figure that I gather is lacking in his life. It was he who seemed to reject me.

Despite all that I think I must have done something right because he told his mum and dad, inexplicably, that he REALLY wants to stay with us, as opposed to anyone else. His parents say he likes us, contrary to appearances.

But there's been a new development. The matron at his boarding school rang me today to say he's been ill for 10 days: high temperature, sore throat, with no let-up. He's been visited twice by the GP. Matron says she's been in close communication with his parents over their son's illness. But the parents never mentioned ANYTHING about his being unwell. Does this not sound strange. . .? Almost a kind of deception, so that we wouldn't say no to taking him in? I mean, this father is not a particularly close friend of mine; and it IS a tall order, to ask a not very close friend to take in your son for 10 days. And then not to mention the son's illness? Looking after a sick child is a BIG responsibility, particularly when you have other little ones in the same house. So I e-mailed the parents today and was polite but VERY firm, demanding an explanation for why they neglected to mention that their son is ill and will need round the clock care? They made it sound like the school kept them out of the loop, that they'd no idea he was as ill as he was. I'll still take him in of course, but I feel duped in a way. . .saddened and a bit hurt. It may well have been a big misunderstanding, but who knows.

His mother is doing her best to fly over. . .she's v. worried. But if he starts to improve tomorrow, she won't fly over.

At any rate, it looks like convaslescencenot entertainmentwill be define his stay with us.

[Medea]

Just to update you kind mumsnetters who've taken an interest in this. . .

The boy had continued to be unwell, so his mother has found a way to travel here to be with him. He won't be staying with us after all, though I offered that that they both stay here. She (v. considerately) wants to spare my two little ones exposure to this virus. So they'll be staying with childless friends in a few days, once the boy is well enough to travel.

Anyway, I'll no doubt be taking him in v. soon in the future, and I'll refer back to this thread when I do, to remind myself of all your helpful suggestions.

[Rafaella]

Well thank goodness he's actually going to get to see his mum, shame it's only because he's so ill that his parents can't fob him off on anyone else. As a mum of a 13 yr old ds this whole sad story is heartbreaking. No wonder this boy is so awkward and lacking in social graces if he's stuck in some boarding school the other side of the world from his family. In my experience teenage boys, in fact girls and kids of all ages just want to chill out at home in the holidays, not make an effort to be good guests for strangers, however well meaning and kind. Is there really no school for musical geniuses in the US?