How to deal with extreme aggression caused by mixture of MH/substance/relationship breakdown

[teapot5]

My DD has lots of problems - caused by MH/substance use. Also our relationship has been deteriorating over the last 2-3 years. Officical diagnosis hasn't been made (yes, she has been seen by lots of people including CAMHS), but from day to day she is getting more aggressive, resentful, blackmailing (i.e. I am going to destroy this family, I will do this (trash the rooms etc) again and again) and quite frankly I'm exhauseted. Does anybody have similar experience? I know I should set the boundaries etc.., but we are NOT in that sort of level any more. ANYTHING to survive so that she is not going to do somehing irreversible.

[lazymum99]

At this stage setting boundaries is a little unrealistic. We had a few years of mental health issues and substance abuse which culminated in DS1 being verbally agressive but not physical. But it did scare me. I told him when he was sober that he was frightening me.

I've got no magic answers except to say that he did not turn the corner to change and getting better until he had made up his mind. Any amount of rational persuasion was lost on him.

Eventually because it was making me ill, I cut myself off emotionally from him which I found out later affected him quite badly and made him feel very alone. This resulted in the destructive behaviour getting worse, but he seemed to hit his 'rock bottom' and decided to turn himself round. I cut myself off in order to protect myself not realising the affect on him.

I can't say what works for on works for another but you can not take all her problems on. She has to learn to cope and do some growing up. In the process of this we did have a few disasters including a serious accidental overdose.

Also remember it is not your fault, you cannot forever be responsible for her behaviour. I did go through a period where I wanted him out but was persuaded by DH that this would only make things worse and would probably result in me worrying more because I wouldn't know whether he was dead or alive. We knew someone who threw her 21year old out and did not hear from him for 9 months and did not know where he was. Not a good situation.

Probably not much help, but sharing of experiences. Maryz usually is good on this sort of stuff, hopefully she will be on soon.

[Mutteroo]

Horrible situation to be in!

I go through phases of feeling pity for my DD; these are mixed with patches of anger, resentment and frustration. I'm hoping that she'll succeed in getting a job tomorrow, (long shot and all digits crossed), and this will give her the confidence to move forward positively. I'm currently sitting at home wondering where she is? She has no money (no job yet) and she's not stolen from us for a few weeks, so who knows where she is. Can't phone her as I confiscated her phone for 48hrs and knowing what's she's like I wouldn't be surprised if she's playing games because of that. Hate being a mum at times like these, but I've seen glimpses of my old adorable DD and I'm confident those glimpses will come about more often. Just got to wait for her.

Now it's the waiting game for you teapot5 because you've done all you can. You will see those glimpses of loveliness in your DD soon; however, only she can make those choices. Hang in there, you're definitely not alone with a troublesome teen.

[teapot5]

Thanks for sharing your experience, lazymum99 and muttoroo. I feel very weak, and so just going round and round in a circle of all sorts of emotions (mainly negative). But I will carry on - there is no alternative. Luckily DH seems to be strong at the moment.

[Brightspark1]

In the same position as you unfortunately, I'm not sure I can offer advice, just support. DD has MH issues including self harm. Her rages and trashing her room plus other parts of the house left us exhausted and at wits end. She has now gone into respite care, which has left me feeling bereft rather than relieved, even though we were left with no choice in the end. We were left with no sanctions, as grounding her was meaningless, as she did not want to go out, stopping her allowance didn't work as she didn't spend it, the only thing was removing her computer which would send her into a terrifying rage. Made boundary setting impossible.
Is DD acting on her threats or being physically aggressive? If so CAMhs would need to be involved again and/ or the police.
The only thing that helped was DH and I propping each other up , one of us would usually cope better than the other at any given time. We ended up taking turns, so one of us got a break even justto go to the gym, for a walk or meeting friends , anything to relieve the stress. One mistake I made was to put on a front and pretend to everyone that everything was fine, even when it obviously wasn't. I felt really ashamed. But I have been amazed at how supportive people have been once I talked about it, and also how many parents have coped with similar. If your DD won't accept help, there isn't much you can do except disengage as far as you are able and concentrate on looking after yourself.
The support and wise words on this forum has helped me so much, and I hope it does the same for you.

[teapot5]

I read your thread, Brightspark. I know that you are going through a really hard time, too. But it's very comforting for me that you give me support and show me your strength. I still can't be completely honest with friends. I can only talk to certain people who had difficulties with their DC, and only to certain extent. I'm detaching myself from friends who have (or seem to have) no problems with their DDs or DSs. I can't help feeling envious. Also I feel I mess things up - there have been times that things were starting to look positive and then maybe I said the wrong things, hoping too much or my low mood affected her, then going back to square one, or worse. DD was a good child and maybe I didn't listen her honest feelings enough before. Oh here I go again - a vicious cycle!

[Brightspark1]

Maryz, you may be boring yourself, but not the rest of us, I have found your wise words a great help. Teapot, I know what you mean about other people, we live in a small town and it is hard to bring myself to say anything but to deal with their reactions. I do find it difficult to tell people, I don't share all the gory details,certainly not about her violence towards me as that seems disloyal to DD in a funny sort of way. I think it's completely normal to feel envious of others whose children seem to be sailing through adolescence unscathed, I can't help but feel the same even though I know it's wrong. Yes we are mums, but that isn't only what defined us as people, and we have more to offer friends than competitive parenting, if you know what I mean.
Regarding DD, if you spend all your time treading on eggshells, some of them are going to break no matter how careful you are. You aren't superwoman and you can't be perfect all the time, you'll send yourself round the bend trying.

[teapot5]

Brightspark is right, Maryz. I read your comment (re: taking a note of good things which helped me) and what you said about kids looking for 'excuse' really make sense. I'm still in a kind of denial - it takes a lot to fully accept the situation (i.e. this has happened and it's not gonna go away suddenly, the way DD is - which is unberable to watch). DH's attitude is 'take it as it comes' which frustrated me a lot. But it seems like the best way. I think I've got to admit to myself and accept that 'I can't do anything rigtt for her at the moment' apart from not giving her up.

[lazymum99]

Another one here who has avoided social arrangements because I did not want to be asked what DS1 was doing. And I was also envious of how their kids were moving on, going to university, travelling and generally growing up. I was ok going somewhere where noone knew me, but old friends whose children had grown up with mine I found a very difficult situation. I sometimes mentioned the problems but I don't think anyone really understands if you have not lived with something like this. They may have been worried about a child with 'fresher's flu' while I was dealing with a son who was having a seizure due to a drug cocktail he took to try and blot out his mental health issues.

I have been on mumsnet for about 4 years and I cannot believe the increase in these sort of threads in the last year.

[AnyFucker]

Is a dedicated support thread needed here ? Just a thought.

[AnyFucker]

There is that.

[teapot5]

Oh dear. I know what you mean. It's especially hard to meet people whom I've known for ages. DD is not coming back (again). I have no idea where she is. She hasn't got much money and hate to think the worst possible senario (I can't write this. How does she get drugs?). Should I report to the police? Then what? It's all my assumptions. Most defenitely they wouldn't do anything, would they? Today even my DH who usually has better coping mechanism and more pragmatic approach than me seems very down. We have a younger DD, so need to protect her, too. I try to do something constructive - no matter how small it is (today it was weeding).

[lazymum99]

Funnily enough when one of the worst things you can think of does happen you cope with it. It is bad but the coping mechanism cuts in. And sometimes these things shock them as well and make them think about what they are doing.