Poor Social Skills leading to unhappy child

[OhSoVintage]

Hi
My daughter is really breaking my heart at the moment and I just need as much advice as I can get to help her out through a tough time.

She was isolated from her friends in junior school and teased so she ended up friend hopping with no real strong bonds. She did form close friendships with children a few years older than her but of course they leave the school and she ended up trying to fit in with her peers but struggling and feeling isolated.

She won a place in a top independent senior school through her own hard work and dedication. We arnt well off and could never have afforded anything like that so we were incredibly proud that she had won a place and felt that this was the fresh start she needed. A place amongst other book worms and aspiring historians where it was cool to learn and she wouldn't be seen as 'the geek'.
Great we thought!!

It started off great from September till christmas, she was loving school for a change and had genuine friends that liked spending time with her and where interested in what she had to say. Instead of the usual we will play with her because we have no one better to play with. Problem solved and she was thriving!! Until January/Febuary now I just don't know whats gone wrong!!

Her friendships started to drift but the real trouble started off that she had a terrible cough and the teachers sent her home for disturbing the class as it was pretty bad. So she was kept at home for a week, straight after was half term then when she went back on her first day she was sent home with the Flu, another weeks recovery not ideal. She got really down those couple of weeks feeling poorly and wanting to desperately to get back to school.

So when she finally got back to school she was really upset that she had lost her part as the main part in the school play and she was realising how much work she had to catch up on which got her down. I think she was very upset that another girl had replaced her as the main part and I expect she ruffled a few feathers especially as this girl that took her part is the 'popular' outspoken girl. Not the right person to get on the wrong side of. Ever since then NOnONE will speak to her, they call her names and accuse her of skipping school when she was ill. She now sits of her own in class and at lunch and if she sits with someone and tries to make an effort they walk away from her. She talks to the sixth formers and has formed some bonds their but however its the same story as junior school. She always got on with older children fine but they leave and she's left with her peers.

She's getting really down and desperate which is such a worry, the other day I caught her chatting on the internet to complete strangers and trying to find Ed shearan on Skype! She knows the dangers but I think she's just so desperate to fit in and she thinks finding someone famous will help her with her friends. I have had to ban the internet after I caught her on a forum telling them she wanted to die as no one liked her and giving out her Skype contact. I have had to go through internet history and her private emails which I hate doing as I feel like I'm invading her privacy. But I needed to remove these accounts to keep her safe.

Ive been desperately trying to help her, giving her the tools that I remember helped me as a child (I was bullied in junior school but did overcome it) She loves acting and goes to bible club (not my doing! My dear mother in law that passed away, She had a strong faith and past it onto her) But I have put her down to work at our local stables to meet new friends and give her a common interest with some of the girls at school as 70% of the children ride and I love riding just don't have the money now days. So she's working for lessons which

Even through all my efforts it doesn't seem to be getting any better, The weekend I went through her school bag as I hadn't checked it since before all this started and I was shocked. It was so disorganised, she had been writing in thick felt tip because she had lost her pen (not like her at all!), homework was ripped and screwed up and it was all over the place and she still hadn't caught up from when she was ill. I cut her some slack and wasn't to hard but I think it was just the fact I had seen it and she felt she had let me down that did it. She stormed out the house saying that she can't go on!! I grabbed my youngest and went out looking for her and couldn't find her. It got later and later over an hour and no one had seen her. Last place I checked was the church and I ended up with a whole army searching for her all getting increasingly worried the later it was getting. eventually she turned up on the door step in floods of tears and we both hugged, I spent the rest of the day helping her by photocopying ripped work sheets and getting her to re write work so that she could go into school today and even if she's still having friend issues at least she won't have her teachers onto of her too.

She's getting easily angry and aggitated and can be quite nasty to my 5 year old . The youngest is very popular at school and she's always having friends over and going to friends houses, sometimes I think she might feel jelous of this. I will try my hardest to create one to one time with her to talk things through and do things with her but sometimes I wonder if its helping or not. Sometimes I feel like when I do something for her to pick her up its not appreciated. Like taking her to see titanic it the evening last week just me and her. But she spent the whole way home sulking.

Im getting so worried about her. She's a very full on character anyway which is just in her makeup but she has a sweet heart and takes things deeply. She has just started puberty as well which doesn't help.
I keep talking to people and they keep telling me its just that she's a teenager and that its normal. But I can't help thinking its more than that.

Im deeply worried and need some advice, I just want her to be happy and it breaks my heart that she's not :(

Sorry it turned out quite long.... I didn't mean it too!!

[GnomeDePlume]

Okay, a few things which spring to mind:

• why are you checking her bag? It's her space and private. Make sure she has the necessary to keep her work neat (plastic folders are great for that) and provide pens regularly. I keep a stock of bics. Other than that leave her to get on with it.
  
  
• she stormed out during the day and you went after her? Was that really necessary? For goodness sake she was only gone an hour! Does she have a mobile phone? If not (and assuming you are in the UK) she could probably do with one now.
  
  
• Does she want to work towards riding lessons? Is this giving her something in common or just highlighting the 'poor kid' image?
  
  
• My DCs all do activities which are completely unconnected with school. Is there something in the drama line which she could try? This could help take the pressure off school friendships and also give her an outlet
  
  
• Alternatively what about cadets of some sort?
  
  
• Hanging out with the sixth formers will mark her out so she needs to stop this. IME there really is no harm in pointing out to young teens when they are doing something weird!
  
  If I'm honest it does all sound fairly normal. She needs to mature a bit, you need to not baby her (stop trying to make it all better). She needs to work out for herself what sort of person she wants to be but you need to help her to see how other people will percieve things.

[OhSoVintage]

Thanks for your help.

I know what you mean about the privacy and Im very conscious of not invading her space. The trouble is I also want her to be happy at school and giving her help to organise her work and sort things out. I don't go through her work or private space but.... When there are funny smells coming from her bag and I find half eaten fruit at the bottom and screwed up home work I think its gone beyond leaving her too it. She obviously needs some help to sort it out. She didn't like it initially because she was embarrassed but she is pleased now as she is going to school feeling organised and on top of things with her school work at least.

She has a drawer in my office with spare stationary (parker pens in bulk from the wholesalers), plastic files, paper, folders etc. The trouble is she doesn't ask me for them. The last time I saw her bag was way before christmas, its not something I do lightly.

She is allowed out in the day, but it was the way she went out and not knowing where she was going that worried me, she was in a state and the week before had been telling strangers she wanted to die. So it was really worrying, She was gone nearly 3 hours until she came back and this is out of character for her to walk off, I just started to really worry after an hour.

My dd has been begging me for riding lessons for ages and I made the suggestion of working for lessons as its not something we can afford and thats what I did as a child. She's only just started but is enjoying it and I thought as a double bonus it would give her a common interest with the girls at school. I remember at her age all I talked about was riding! It is outside of school so it is a different circle.

Her acting is also outside of school, but she's done it since she was 4 and has been to the same acting school for the last 4 years so I wanted to give her something fresh in addition.

I think maybe I do over worry, but I just worry how much of it is being a normal teenager and if she is actually getting depressed. She's always so down on her self and this running off and wanting to die has really scared me.

[daisysue2]

OhSoVintage I take the opposite view to Gnome I do think you need to help them in the first year at seniors to get organised. Some kids will just do it naturally because their junior school has prepared them for it, others don't know how to do it. Maybe just asking your dd to get her bag and to go through it at night as part of the packing unpacking of homework, books, packed lunch etc and help her to organise it again ready for the next day. (My dd has to carry all her books so needs to go through for the next day what she needs).

Also a quick look through the books and a chat about the work and what they are doing in class is just taking an interest. My dd was off sick yesterday so we went through her books and had a chat about the work she was doing and it helped to move her on a little in areas she was struggling with. We had a great chat about some of the poets she is studying at the moment.

I would also be worried if my dd went missing for three hours.

Getting her organised at school may make her more confident in her school work and her confidence may come back.

Friendship issues are tougher to deal with. Maybe she just needs to sit back and be one of the quiet ones for a while and look out for a few other like minded girls that she can tag along with. Joining the choir or other clubs will give her something to do at lunchtime rather than feeling isolated.

[mumeeee]

I agree with daisy you do need to give them some support in the first year of high school. It's a big step-up from juniors and there is a lot more stuff to organise. Yes some children might be able to cope straight away but most don't. I'm not suggesting doing things for her but doing them with her.

[inkyfingers]

Why not talk to school? Hoping it's not an unsympathetic place for parents to talk to. Her form teacher may help? Or try to arrange a social event with some of the girls she was friendly with last term. It seems sad it's gone so wrong, so quickly.

[JannerBird]

ohsovintage I could have written your post (almost word for word) last year. I can completely empathise with how worried you are about your DD. I haven't got time to write a long post but will return this evening.

Unfortunatley for my DD things have got worse for her over the last year in terms of isolation at school and she too used the internet to chat to boys/men in an attempt to boost her self esteem. We are in the process of changing her school (which in year 10 is not an option we have taken lightly).

Please intervene and talk to the school if you are worried about your daughter, make a nuisance of yourself if you have to.

Will be back later.

[JannerBird]

I'm back. I suppose what I want to say to you is that you need to trust your instincts on this one. If you think it is more than 'normal' teenage stuff then it probably is. You need to keep lines of communication open which can be tricky. Firstly, if your daughter has poor social skills she may find it difficult to find the right words to tell you what is happening for her and how it is making her feel. Secondly, she may be trying to protect you - I now know my daughter was because she knew how much I worry about her.

In hindsight my daughter has been reaching out for some time - trying to tell us how unhappy she really is. Unfortunately, it has now reached crisis point with my daughter who has been through a period of sending intimate pictures of herself to boys at her school in order to try and be accepted, It backfired and now everybody in the school knows about it.

She has also started to self-harm. We have found her a counsellor and, as I said in my previous post, she will be moving school after Easter.

The school have been crap and did not put any support in place until things became really quite bad. I take some responsibility for this as I am not the pushy type and was raised not to 'make a fuss'. I really wish I had made the biggest fuss possible years ago.

It sounds as if your daughter is similar to mine (she also takes it out on her brother and sister and is really quite foul to them). I'm not suggesting that things will take the same path with her - I really hope not.

Good Luck.