dealing with rude 12 yr old in midst of parent seperation

[skevany22]

hello, help please. my normally mainly nice 12 yr old is getting really stroppy. i need better ways of disciplining him while taking into account that: his father and i are separating, he has had to change schools, countries, friends, houses everything in May last year (after already changing them all 2 yrs ago) due to emergency move back to france from peru because his 9 yr old brother was diagnosed with leukemia. the worst so far has been him - the 12 yr old - telling me to shut up (which his dad told me for years) and also, when i told him about the separation, saying 'fuck you and fuck dad'. currently we are doing a week without computer as punishment for the shut up (i was cross/hurt about the fuck you and said so, but mainly let it slide because it happened the day I told both children about the separation, and so far, has not happened since. btw: the 9 yr old said 'oh'). thank you.

[Jobforlife]

Poor you, poor children.... You have all experienced a bucket load of trauma that is bound to have repercussions. They have had to cope with so much with the illness, the move and the separation, that imo it's a credit to your eldest that he hasn't reacted more strongly!
Do the children still have regular contact with their father, and is the separation amicable? Are you able to deal with this together, or do you have any extended family around who you can turn to?
Whilst his stroppy behaviour might not be acceptable, it IS understandable, and maybe at the same time as sanctioning him about it, it would be worth explaining that you do understand the reasons why he might be behaving this way. It may be that he needs to be able to talk through the issues surrounding his traumatic past couple of years, and maybe a counsellor would be a good route to go down if there isn't anyone (granny/granddad/uncle/aunt perhaps?) that could listen.
I'd also hazard a guess that the younger child would benefit from some counselling too... it may be that he is feeling just as traumatised but isn't showing it in the same way.
I hope you all find a way through a very difficult time x

[honeybun11]

Hi three skevany22.
You all have a huge amount to deal with at the moment and that is really tough on you and your 12 yr old. What I would say is that your 12 yr old needs to feel that he is being listened to and that the very strong emotions he is experiencing are understood.
A couple of years ago our ds (then aged 8/9) was very seriously ill and our dd (then aged 10/11) reacted very strongly to it. The illness coincided with her move to secondary school. Her behaviour was far more difficult than the incidents you have described, with (at worst) screaming tantrums. She also started suffering anxiety symptoms, eg chest pains, shortness of breath, convincing herself she was going to have a heart attack.
In the end we were referred to family therapy at Great Ormond St hospital, which was amazing and really helped. Just simple things like acknowledging my dd's feeings and making sure she had a time to talk about them every day (even just ten mins at bedtime) made a really big difference. Two years on things have settled down a lot (though not completely!) and dd still talks about how great the family therapy was.
Good luck!
Honeybun

[honeybun11]

PS come to think of it, my dd (now 12) did tell me to 'shut up' yesterday....that wouldn't be too extraordinary in our household, sadly, though she did apologise when threatened with a sanction for not doing so!

[skevany22]

thank you both so much. just reading what you've said is very helpful. i think the most important bit, that probably gets most neglected in the daily run of things, is understanding. i do also think he is suffering from anxiety - he has started to have really bad dreams and more 'pains' in arms/legs/knees etc. that don't really seem to have a clear cause. family therapy is definitely on the list for all of us. the separation is - so far - fairly amicable (more than the relationship was at its worst) but that is helped by the fact that their father is still in Peru finishing his contract, plus the fact that we've not got down to the nitty gritty of splitting things/money up. that all starts in april. march better be therapy month for all of us. plus me reminding both children more often that they have been through a lot - so upset understood, though not rudeness. thank you again.