13 year old daughter and our lousy relationship

[whathefeckamidoingwrong]

Hello new here, so stressed it took me 15 attempts to log on. . . i am seriously in need of any advice as to how i can improve communication with my daughter PT. In short, she treats her reasonably good parents like proverbial and ANYTHING can trigger an arguement with her. The usual stuff, removal of priveledges (sp?) doesnt work. Worse than anything is i really fear for our relationship and so want to be close to her

[GypsyMoth]

Have been there!! You are nit alone. My trouble with dd2 started at 13, been through hell with her

15 now. Was getting better, got MUCH better, but now she is back with THAT friend. The one who is such a bad influence.

Sympathies

[crazynanna]

I think we should be allowed legally to comatose our teens from age 13 to 19..

[whathefeckamidoingwrong]

What helped? other than (temp) removal of THAT friend, that is. It's beginning to affect how I feel about her, I can barely look on the road she is on

[GypsyMoth]

What helped?

Well I got her arrested 3 times for her violence, that nipped that in the bid and we were then involved with youth offending team. They were good.
she then decided in a police career
We started a hobby together ..... Running
She discovered army cadets,I was getting 'poditive' postcards from school
I was buying her little treats, she was helping round the house. But now she is back with THAT friend again

[GypsyMoth]

*bud

[whathefeckamidoingwrong]

Arrested. . .Bloody hell (is that allowed?-there were way too many instructions to read about) 3 years ago I would have said impossible now I'm not so sure. Yep, tried the running thing, her fave thingds to do are: text, music, eat crap, sleep etc. Is it reasonable to get some industry out kids without always having to give them money all the time? What are your plans for FRIEND?

[GypsyMoth]

Plans. Not sure how to play this one. Look out for maryz. A poster who is 'good with teens' a bit like the co-op is 'good with food'!!

Really not sure where to go next with dd. Well, actually, I need to fix her laptop. That might keep her home and out of trouble up at the park. Cut her money a bit. Stop the treats.

Show disappointment maybe.

[GypsyMoth]

Yes, swearing is allowed here!

[EllieG]

DD very like this. We had a huge talk about it last weekend - she cried and cried and said how sad she was that we were always fighting and how she wanted to be close too. It gave me quite a shock to hear her perspective, I tried not to get too defensive and said what it felt like to me - i.e - it's hard when I get my head bitten off not to react badly, and we agreed to both try harder. I think we both have. She asked me please can you notice more when I try hard to control my temper, I hate my bad temper. It made me feel sad that I hadn't been and that I've just fallen into the trap of only giving her attention when she is badly behaved. So this week, when she has grumped I have tried to gently say, then ignore, then laugh at her a little, and if still grumpy have said to her - 'come here you, it looks like you need a cuddle' and that has worked so much better. I forgot sometimes she still needs to feel little and loved.

[EllieG]

Though it is irritating when you get it in the neck for terrible crimes like not providing enough money or asking have you done your home work. Awful, awful parenting that.

[whathefeckamidoingwrong]

Am beginning to feel hopeful and reassured. I think you're right- the knack is to catch her behaving well or at least trying to, I can forget this and just see the negative all the time. Oh well, guess we'll get through it, sometimes it just feels like this house wont survive another barny, but it does and we all live to see another day. We have had lots of 'constructive' talks like the one described- they do help get things back on track for the time being its just sustaining this for longer than , oh 2 hours thats the problem. Um, be back another day-thanksalot for the responses. its abit weird this at first isnt it

[whathefeckamidoingwrong]

lol, yeah I mean really, what is that 'how was your day' stuff all about? anyone would think we had some rights. . . going now definitely, man this is addictive

[aquafunf]

try reading "get out of my life but first take me and alex into town". It helped me a bit. also, finally getting some help from new school who have started a programme with her about anger management and body language. made a real difference. and try not to react, however much you want to.