I sent my son to go and live with his dad :(

[pomegranate1975]

I have sent my 13 year old son to go live with his dad.
We couldnt take it living with him. He would come and go as he pleases, and when i give him punishments he starts getting agressive and smashing things etc.
He came home one day at 10.30pm and then we dropped him to his dads house one hour away. this was on monday.
He didnt want to go but we forced him out of the car.
He left his sim card here at home and i have no way of contacting him except through his dad. His dad is very angry with us cause he didnt want to have him in the first place.
His dad is a loser and bad mouths about to me to our son all the time and doesnt work with me about diciplining my son.
Anyway i am feeling so depressed and i know its unsafe to have my son here with us as we have four kids at home. We know he has odd and adhd was in the process of seeing a psychologist.

[pomegranate1975]

i havent spoken to him since monday night. Then the next day i had a dream i was in the ocean with people floating and i couldnt find my baby, and i thought someone was looking after the baby and i looked in the water and i saw my dead baby falling all the way down the ocean, so i swam all the way down and got him and started making my way up the ocean and was patting the babies back and everyone was saying the baby is dead and then the baby started waking up.
i wonder what it all means.

[LeBOF]

So am I right in thinking you have him from a previous relationship, and went on to have four more children with your current partner? And his dad is flakey and undermines you?

So he could be confused, feeling pushed out and like a cuckoo in the nest? On top of hitting puberty?

It sounds difficult for all of you, but him especially. Have you looked into family therapy?

[fridakahlo]

Step families and adolescence. Shudder. I would try and keep communication open. Perhaps try sending him a letter and using terms like when you do this, it makes me feel as opposed to your behaviour is wrong/bad/unreasonable.

[fargate]

I think LeBOF has it spot on here, again. Hope that doesn't sound patronising to LeB.

Sending DS to live with his flaky dad was a crisis solution - now you need to work on something more long term which gets the adults back in charge and makes DS safe and secure.

Hopefully the psychologist who is assessing his ODD/ADHD will be able to organise some family meetings/therapy. And/or involve SSD who might be able to help, too, if DS is a risk to himself or his younger siblings - and not being appropriately cared for by his father?

Not sure if you have lost a baby - sounds like you should see your GP for yourself, if the morbid dreams and your low mood are persistent. If you have lost a baby in RL you could contact SANDS for support.

It's a nightmare for all of you.

Good luck.

[DownbytheRiverside]

It was an emergency situation for you, but now you should all be working towards a solution because otherwise things will probably deteriorate.
All includes your new partner as well as your son and his father.
13 is a tricky age at the best of times, and the school may be able to help you locate whatever support there might be in your area.
Is he attending school this week? Are you seeing the psychologist through CAMHS, and so they know yet how complicated the problem has become?
Your dream may possibly be the result of all the anxiety about your son becoming lost to you at the moment, having a difficult teenager can often feel like suddenly having an alien land in your family where you previously had a more manageable child.

[pomegranate1975]

yes i was in the process of being called to get him in camhs but its been dragged on for so long that i couldnt wait anymore. they just called me yesterday and was asking question about my son and they said that i have to wait for another call by someone else in that department and then they will priotise who to see 1st. I told them he no longer is with me and they said they will call me next week to see if my son has come back to live with me. I told them i waited and waited for their call as i wanted to see them desperately. I kept calling them as well.

[fargate]

I'm a bit confused. Is the psychologist doing the ADHD assessment from CAMHS or school or somewhere else?

If the psychologist works at CAMHS, I'd probably not call again until Monday and then phone and ask to speak the psychologist via their secretary.

Or. If it's an Educational Psychologist, I'd probably ask school to get the Ed Psych to contact CAMHS.