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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Worrying find

17 replies

bankofmum · 13/09/2011 19:12

I have found a 'dossier' that my 15 yr old son and a friend have prepared which looks like they are fantasising about being hit men. There are 4 'targets' all real people, one is a teacher. There is a map of the school with cctv cameras marked, a map of the area and great detail about the individuals and what they are going to do to them (too gruesome to list here). I have talked to son who says it was ages ago and a stupid game. Help! What should I do? Should I involve other boys parents?

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AngryFeet · 13/09/2011 19:18

Are you serious? Um I would feel like I should tell the police but that might be an overreaction...

bankofmum · 13/09/2011 19:30

Yes, serious, did think of police but don't think for one minute they would actually do anything, have spoken to a couple of counsellors, not much help, more concerned I was looking at his stuff - say it's invasion of privacy

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thisisyesterday · 13/09/2011 19:36

hmm i would be inclined to think it was, as he says, a game.
unless you have any other concerns?

thisisyesterday · 13/09/2011 19:37

could you speak to his teacher at school? don't know how it works these days bbut when i was at school we had a tutor group which we met in each morning and afternoon, so any concerns would have gone through our tutor.. so maybe speak to the relevant person and just explain what you've found and ask for their thoughts?

bankofmum · 13/09/2011 19:54

I have had other concerns, which I've mentioned to the school, last year he was 'pretending' to do drugs (white dextrose tablets crushed up in plastic bag,herbs looking like pot,matress slashed and hole cut in books to hide stuff) He is like two different personalities and I'm scared that fantasy/curiousity may lead to reality, he's also into that gangsta rap music and has written some disgusting lyrics.

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thisisyesterday · 13/09/2011 21:47

hmmm.
in some ways I think that "acting it out" (fairly blatantly?) is perhaps just his way of understanding it all and I don't know, kind of living it without having to live it? does that make sense?
I knw that is quite common in younger children at any rate, but not sure how it would be viewed in older children.

i guess I would be more worried if I wasn't seeing him act stuff out, but was finding evidence that he was actually doing this stuff?

sorry, words are not coming easy for me at the moment, so apologies if this is rambly! seem to be braindead most of the time right now

are his friends the same? if you know the parents it wouldn't hurt to ask them if they've noticed similar behaviour in their children and what they think of it. I honestly don't believe that acting things out is necessarily an indication that he is going to, or even wants to, do these things but I can understand why you would be worried about it.

it's probably worth mentioning it to the school again though, they may just be able to keep an eye on him and any friends who are doing similar things.

thisisyesterday · 13/09/2011 21:48

have you let him know how unacceptable it is btw? the disgusting lyrics, pretending to take drugs, killing people etc etc?

ImperialBlether · 13/09/2011 22:31

I think this is very worrying. I don't know what to suggest, I'm sorry, but I think I would definitely speak to his form teacher privately and at length. She should be able to recommend some course of action. I wouldn't leave anything out, either.

I'd want to see what internet sites he's looking at, too, though good luck with that as I'm sure he's got that covered.

frenchfancy · 14/09/2011 07:13

It wouldn't concern me any more than alot of the video games kids are playing these days. There are plenty of movies with this type of theme, so think of it as though he is writing screen play.

anewyear · 14/09/2011 09:42

I wouldnt be talking to the form tutor Id be talking to the Head of Year, possibly Head teacher
I have been having behavioural problems (which have esculated in the last couple of years) with my just 13 yr old since he was in yr1, we have finaly got refered to CAMHS, if he was doing/displaying any of this this I would be extremly worried.

bankofmum · 14/09/2011 14:47

Thank you all for the answers, I have let him know how unacceptable all this is, he promises not to do it again, then does. I have been swinging between it's just a game/really serious. I think I will speak to the head of year and the other boys parents, I would want to be told if it was the other way round. Just worried that school may be obliged to contact the police?

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fargate · 15/09/2011 03:48

Hmm.

Do you live in the UK?

Does your DS have access to firearms or explosives?

What is the real risk - in your opinion?

fargate · 15/09/2011 03:50

Do any of his friends have access to firearms or explosives?

bigTillyMint · 15/09/2011 07:19

Does he play a lot of computer games, etc. Watch that kind of thing on TV? Read those kind of books?

It could be just a "game" to him - a fantasy world. But even so, that is worrying.

What does he do in his spare time - does he engage with the real world - sport/other interactive activities with real people?

bankofmum · 15/09/2011 11:28

We are in the UK, he does not have access to firearms etc! When younger he loved dressing up and pretending to be policeman etc, this is not so cute! He has definately watched films with this sort of theme but does engage with the real world, goes to drama club, plays in a band. Behaves well at school. I don't believe there is any risk of him actually doing this stuff, just wish he would stop writing about it

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anewyear · 15/09/2011 12:29

I think, If you generaly have no problems at school or at home apart from say the usual teenage stuff etc at 15 he is old enough for you to be able to sit down with him, adult to adult if you like, and tell him why you dont like it, what you think it could possibly lead to, what others would think if they were to find this dossier and possible consequences of that, ie the police being involved, possibly Social Services? etc etc
I would still be having a chat with the other parents also, simply because it may not have been you son who instigated the 'game'.
And school, well Im guess if they had concerns they would have been in touch before now, however it might still be worth having a chat with his Head of Year.

fargate · 15/09/2011 13:20

Pleased to hear there are no shotguns in the attic, bankofmum!

I think it's one of the risks of looking at kids private stuff is that one doesn't just find out what they're up to/how they're feeling but also one gets to see their most intimate thoughts. They aren't sharing these things for the same good reasons that adults keep them private. And if ones going to look one has to be prepared to find out things you would rather not know, will give you sleepless nights etc

IMO The hit men dossier sounds like a hotline to the fantasies of a bunch of immature 15 yr old boys. I imagine he's quite embaressed especially if it was drawn up a while ago.

Thankfully, the vast majority of people, young and old, never act on their fantasies and they don't have the will or resources to put these 'games of the imagination into action.

If you are confident that there is no real risk to anyone I wouldn't tell school about it because it will make people needlessly anxious and could have all manner of unforseen repercussions. I definitely wouldn't tell the police.

Would you be worried if the dossier was a draft for a screenplay or a computer game? They do get up to some daft things together. IYSWIM.

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