Am I too involved?

[wizzbangwallop]

Hi Mums - I am new to this so I apologise if this topic has been covered many times before! Basically, I find myself distraught that my 17yr old son has ended a two year relationship with a lovely girl for no reason other than "it doesn't feel right anymore". I knew that it would end someday but I am so upset for her and upset that he is moving on and upset that I probably won't see her anymore...any advice? www.mumsnet.com/te/3.gif

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

Hi Wizz.. As much as this may be upsetting for you and her as you have formed a relationship, they are very very young. I would prefer it to happen now rather than when they had children.

I can see that you are maybe more concerned about the reason? "it doesn't feel right anymore". My daughter is 21 and has been with her boyfriend since she was 18, although I 'know' his parents I haven't done the official 'meeting' thing, purely because of the age. I can't see this being the last relationship my daughter has. I'm sure I will be as equally upset...

[LoveBeingAbleToNamechange]

I agree it's a good enough reason and he's done the right thing. He may or may not decide he's made a mistake. But he needs to decide that.

[wizzbangwallop]

Thanks guys - he is a lovely lad and wants to do the right thing. And I'm sure she'll get over it - we all do! I just feel like MY heart has been broken which I know is a pretty ott reaction but I can't help it :( I'm such a saddo!

[exasperatedemma]

I was on the receiving end of this when I was that age years ago, and even though I realised the relationship was over, I really missed his mum! as we got on so well and I know she felt the same. All I can say is that it does get easier as time goes on and you know how everything is a phase in their lives - the next phase/relationship could be even better!

[LoveBeingAbleToNamechange]

As long as you try not to should that too much

[wizzbangwallop]

Hope the next one isn't too soon!

[Happymum22]

I've had this with my DD. She broke up with her boyfriend just before uni, saying he wasn't the 'one', and she felt she needed to move on in her life and that going to uni with a boyfriend would mean she was constantly missing him/restraining herself and she wanted to go single and able to enjoy herself.
I was gutted, he was a really nice guy, had been nothing but loyal and clearly really really liked her and he treated her so well. I hated the thought of her coming back from uni and her not seeing him, I just felt she was wasting everything.

Then she got to uni, a few months down the line the next guy came along, and I could see that her past relationship and first serious one wouldnt be right to go on forever, he wasnt going to be 'the one' but he did help her with the learning curve and relationships at that age are just about finding what you want from a relationship and learning to give and take etc.

Now boyfriend two had been and gone, and shes been in a stable relationship with the boy shes moved in with in their own flat and shes beautifully happy and in a very good relationship. I certainly can see how her past boyfriends have shaped this and that she wouldnt be as happy and stable if she was still with that first boy..

[exoticfruits]

If it 'didn't feel right' he did the sensible thing. You just have to support them in their decisions.

[wizzbangwallop]

Thanks for your support - it's good to know I'm not alone in feeling so upset! :)

[Tortington]

me too with eldest ds - we went to the gfs parents house for bbqs and knew them socially, the family were lovely etc etc

and then they split up

and i was the heartbroken one

[exoticfruits]

I would be upset too. DS has had a girlfriend for 4 yrs and we all really like her-even down to extended family-we would miss her terribly. However, if it doesn't feel right to him, problems would surface eventually.

[sue52]

It's right that a 2 year relationship started when your son was 15 has run it's course. Be happy that your son's first love was such a lovely person and that they will have taken happy memories from that. You will feel better in time and your son will have other girlfriends, maybe try not to be so involved in the future.

[Schtum]

wizz

I love my DD17's BF to bits.

I know that they are young and common sense tells me that this is just The First and not The One but I'd have had to have been made of stone not to have developed real and genuine affection for this lovely boy who adores my daughter and brings so much to our family life.

You asked for "any advice". Although I haven't been through this (The Break Up) yet, I'd be tempted to say allow yourself to grieve the loss of this time in your family's life and to give yourself permission to feel sad and disappointed.

We know that it's normal/ inevitable - also good/ healthy - that our kids will experience a few different relationships before they settle down with one person but this is a steep learning curve for all of us.

Perhaps you/ I will learn to hold back a bit more as the years go by or maybe we won't.. When those annoying people told us, as a Mums of toddlers, that it wouldn't get easier, it would just get harder in different ways, I guess this is the kind of stuff they meant.

Best wishes to you and him and her.

[wizzbangwallop]

Wow.....you're all so nice and sensitive and sensible. I do feel better for all your kind words. Onwards and upwards, eh?