Oh dear god, someone need to help me with this...

[AbbyAbsinthe]

I'm sure this sort of thing is covered on most of the threads here - and this is the first time I've visited this section.

My teenage dd (13.5) is just turning into a massive pain in the arse. I've always been so proud of her, she's a funny, lively, polite, intelligent girl. But now she's changing so much, and I really have no idea how to deal with her

She's lazy, sullen, lethargic, smelly, rude and opinionated... I could go on. I'm sure a lot of you have seen this and passed through it. But I genuinely don't know what to do next.

We argue every single day. She won't tidy her room, doesn't want to wash, go out, do anything else but sit on her fucking laptop night after night - and now it's the first day of the school holidays, and all I can see is 6 more weeks of this stretching ahead.

What do you do with them? How do you make them do stuff they don't want to? How do you make them take pride in themselves and become polite and respectful again?

[mo3d]

I have a 2dd of teenage years 16 and 13. If I want their room tidied for example, I ask them to do it and tell them when I want it done by. If it's not done, I would remind them and expect it done straight away. If they refused, I would tell them of the consequences if they don't/won't do it.

Your dd laptop would be top of my list for being taken away if she didn't do as she was told.

[scurryfunge]

Decide what is really important to you - politeness, tidy room or whatever and tackle that issue at one time. Choose your battles. Everything is about bargaining. E.g. " If you want money for the cinema at 6pm, then your bedroom has to be tidy by 5pm". Limit the laptop if it is a coveted item.

[AbbyAbsinthe]

I've tried it. And her ipod. She doesn't seem to care - she'll do the one job that they were taken away for... and then as soon as she gets them back, it's back to square one.

She'll be great in the couple of days leading up to a treat of some sort - she went to Alton Towers last week - and then as soon as the treat is over, she's back to normal.

I do understand that she could be a lot worse, btw - but just lately, I find it really difficult spending time with her.

[mo3d]

Has she started her periods yet?

[AbbyAbsinthe]

Yes, she's been having periods for about 8 months now - it doesn't help that we're always on at the same time, and both see ourselves as the Alpha female

She's just so.... different. Occasionally I get a glimmer of the real her through the emo teenage crap. But I have no patience for it and it drives me crazy!

[mo3d]

I'm the same. I've no patience for the teenage strops. I don't think just cause they're teenagers that they should get away with the rudeness. I do think we have to pick our fights though.

If my 13yo is having a strop (but not being rude to anyone or hurting anyone) I let her get on with it. It's easier than getting grunted at .

Me and my 2 dds all come on within a week of each other and I've got a 9yo dd as well to join the fun one day!

I would stick with what you're doing with regards to getting things done/politeness etc. I think consistency is prob the best thing, so they know where they stand and what the consequences are (remember that when they were toddlers!).

[sponkle]

My advice? Make her a cup of tea and sit down and chat. Have a notebook handy and explain that you will isten to her side of things if she promises to hear yours...give each other a 30mins time limit. I tried this with my son and it worked! Ask her about what frustrates her, what she would like/how she would like to be treated etc and get her to write it down on one page, then put your views accross and back them up ie: I expect you to tell me where you are when you are out, so I know that you are safe, or I expect you to try to keep your room tidy so that I know you can look after yourself, respect the house you live in and all the priviledges that come with it, blah blah.......then put them on the other page. Both of you should sign it. try to compromise a little and then she should too. next time she's a PIA you can refer to said list and tell her that she agreed to it! Believe me, we have had a terrible time with our DS15 but this is what worked the most! You might even build some bridges just talking to her and taking the time to at least appear to be seeing things from her point of view too :) Good luck with it.

[sponkle]

oh forgot to mention, you should also ask her to suggest what sanctions she sees fit for being rude/stroppy/ not cleaning her room or whatever...she is more likely to accept them as a consequence if she has had a say in it, (and signed it to say so IYSWIM)

[Theas18]

Umm tricky one! I have a 12 yr old who is the teen her sister never was and has been for a year or so ( blame early Surging hormones she looks and behaves 14/15). Strop strop sulk etc!

Fortunately she is the perfect, mature, organised young lady outside the home so I guess it has to manifest itself somehow !

How do I cope? Pick the battles that matter- remove her iPod, or for severe sanctions her beloved digital radio as well ( she has no tv or computer in her room) and try to make sure she gets to bed at a reasonable time- she's infinitely worse when tired.

Oh, and bite my lip and walk away!!

[Theas18]

Ita that her laptop time should be earned- and maybe turn the wifi off at night if she does have custody of the laptop ....

Smeliness- umm yes! - you are not going out till you wash and put a clean top on - familiar mantra!

[cory]

I would try to pick my battles tbh and restrain myself from trying to change what affects other people.

So be down like a ton of bricks on rudeness, bad language and not washing herself- but cut her some slack about the room.

When you say "refuses to go out" do you mean she refuses to join in family activities, or simply that she doesn't have the kind of social life you think someone her age ought to have?
Remember it is up to you to decide how she behaves but it is not up to you to decide what kind of person she is- some people genuinely don't want a social life at this age. And some can't get one.

I have found it useful to speak more to dd like an adult and give her more say over decisions, at the same time making it very clear that I will not stand for rudeness. But increasingly it is turning into "you must be polite to me because that is how decent people behave" rather than "you have to respect me because I am your mother".

I also try to make her feel that I actually like her as a person, even if I may occasionally quibble about individual habits of hers.

[BusyBodd]

We all know about the terrible twos...that time in a toddler's life anytime from one and a half to about four when they are awful???

I've been a youth worker for more than ten years now and in my experience the school year in which young people turn fourteen is a kind of teenage version of the terrible twos (I'm also a parent of an 18yo and a 14yo). The hormones are really raging, spots, boobs, hair in odd places, strange urges etc; the work at school has cranked up and the pressure about choosing the right GCSEs so they do the right A levels and go to the right university. They gain some independence, but still feel like they can't cope with getting their own breakfast, they look like adults and so people expect them to behave like it, but they are really only just out of childhood, and worst of all, almost everyone they spend their time with is dealing with the same thing!!!

Let her have some space and chill time at the beginning of the holidays - I'm a sociable and outgoing person but when I've had to put out and "make nice" for a long time I need to sit in my own space and noodle about on the internet for a while to recover my equilibrium (It's what I'm doing now). Then when she starts to get bored offer a treat attached to something you need doing, like "come and help me with the shopping and we'll go for coffee and a cake afterwards" and if she says no, just go without her. Could you do lunch in town and "happen" to choose nice bubble bath together (to encourage some washing)? Or a trip to IKEA for a certain something you need for the kitchen and say "that cushion would look lovely on your bed" and treat her (She'll have to make the bed first). If my DD (14) is being what they call mardy in the east midlands, I take myself for the treat anyway and when she moans that I didn't get her something nice I say "Well you weren't with me to choose it". I don't do it every time and I don't spend much money, but enough for her to know that if she comes with me and is friendly and pleasant we'll have a nice time and she'll get a little something. Also, wandering round IKEA (or whatever equivalent is near you) you can say things like "You could arrange your desk like that and it would look really cool" (In your head you're thinking: you'll have to tidy your room to find it first, but if that works...) It's about emphasising the positives, treating her like a grown up and giving her your time and attention, and it's the last one that she really wants, not tat from swedish furniture stores.

[Beamur]

The not washing phase does pass. Suddenly it dawns on them that smelliness and grotty hair is not appealing - our water bills have soared since the soap dodgers became evangelical about cleanliness.
DP used to have to remind them to take a weekly bath and wash their hair and now they both shower without fail every day.
I actually moved DSD to a different bedroom so I could tolerate her mess and simply close the door on it most days. Every now and again we ask her to give it a good clean and tidy and she does, but on the whole, we leave her to it most of the time and I go in and collect laundry, dirty plates and so on once a week.
Both of my step kids were horrors for leaving dirty clothes everywhere, so to make it easy I put a laundry basket in each of their rooms and said I would collect and wash clothes put in there, but anything left on the floor would stay there.