Need advice on behalf of my own parents (long)

[Ironmaiden]

I have been a member on this site for a while and have a six month old of my own, I've found the advice invaluable and am now appealing to anyone out there who can offer help for my own mum. I realise this is the Teenagers section but was unsure where else to post this, after all, you don't stop being a parent just because they've left home, the problem is my brother who is 31 years old. He is and has been for many years a very big worry, over the course of the last 3 years he has slowly dwindled into a virtual recluse, he had a health problem which caused him to lose alot of weight and he was off work for about 6 months, but once it was all sorted out he found it pschologically impossible to return to work, became panicy and had terrible anxiety attacks, after another 6 months of promising to return to work every week and failing to do so he was made redundant. He was given a very generous pay settlement which lasted him about 6 months and now, 11 months after losing his job, he is living alone, on benefits, has made no effort to look for a new job, is drinking and smoking too much, rarely goes out, has few friends and cannot pay his rent / bills and I believe he cannot even afford to buy food. My parents have helped him finacially in the past but since this has been going on such a long time and he is making no real effort to help himself they are reluctant to give him any more money because it stretches out the stagnant mess he has got himself into. He does nothing but play on his computer, he never calls anyone unless it is to ask for money. I live in Ireland and he lives in the west of England, if I was closer I would be in a better position to help, but all I can do is listen to my parent's desperation over the phone. I have had enough now and want to help in any way I can. I am appealing for any advice, websites, organisations that could give support to my parents as they are at their wits end with worry and are hoping to retire soon but can't with the potential finacial burden of their depressed son.

[auntymandy]

I know you never stop worrying but at 31 he needs to stand on his own 2 feet. Just skimmed the message so might have missed something. but if they keep bailing him out he will never do it himself!

[mancmum]

I think the key to this is curing his depression and getting some counselling/ADs for him...can they talk to their GP to find out the best way to access this sort of help?

[zippitippitoes]

These websites may help Mental Health foundation
and Mind
and Depression Alliance
and NHS Gateway

There was a thread a while ago in site stuff with suggestions for meantal health websites which was going to be permanently housed on mn somewhere but I don't know if that project came to fruition

[Carmenere]

He sounds like he badly needs counselling and AD's and no amount of websites or organisations is going to help him if he doesn't want to help himself.
Would it be possible for you to jump on a flight and show up on his doorstep one morning and just try to appeal to him about how much you love him and are worried about him (as you have a small baby, the fact that you left him or her to go and try to help your brother might show him how much he means to you).
Explain to him how concerned you are about your parents and how worried they are and how they don't deserve this at their stage in life. Could you spend a bit of time with him and go to the GP with him.
It's just and idea but it's what I would do and if it diddn't work then I woould know I'd really tried.

[zippitippitoes]

It is true by the way when you say that parenting doesn't stop at 18 or 21, sadly some adults require parental support for much longer if not permanently and it is very draining, but as parents we can't easily pass that responsibility back.

Perhaps there will be something in one of those links that helps you to help your family help your brother.

I hope you get somewhere but don't beat yourselves up if you don't and concentrate your main energy on helping your parents get some balance back if you can.

[Hattie05]

Have a look at this site and see if your parents have a local carers centre. As they are being carers of their son due to the state of his mental health. They are doing the right thing by not giving him money, no matter how hard it seems.

A carers centre will know their local authority inside out and be able to ensure that they and your brother get all the help they need. They will be able to advocate on behalf of your brother and parents, and they will also be able to provide emotional support to the whole family.

Somehow, someone needs to get your brother to face up to his problems because until he is happy to 'receive' help it will be useless.

I would suggest a good starting point would be to speak to his GP, either over the phone or by a letter, explaining the problems and asking his advice and also to see if he could invite your son into the surgery (often they will do this under the pretence that they need a blood pressure check or something) and then try to get your brother to open up.

At the end of the day though, sometimes we have to accept that people have these mental health problems and maybe don't 'want' the help. If this becomes the case, then be sure to build up a support network of professionals and friends, let your brother know that if and when he ever decides he wants help its there and for the meantime, whilst his family love him and will provide him emotional support - you will not help financially.

I hope this helps and wish you luck.

[Hattie05]

Carers do have the right not to care regardless of the relationship and ages.

[fireflyfairy2]

I agree with Carmenere, Flights from Ireland to England at the minute are chap s chips.. you could go and return on the same day with Ryanair (If you're in th South of Ireland)

FWIW I would be worried too, but as others have said, he needs to take responsibility for himself, it isn't fair on your parents at their time of life to still carry their 31yr old son...

I'm glad you are concerned enough to want to help him, maybe with a bit of support from you he will see what has happened to himself, because some times we are all so bogged down with our own problems we can't see whats happening. good luck to you in trying to help him.. I wish you well.

[Ironmaiden]

My brother is in quite regular contact with his GP and has been on many different medications for depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I would feel very awkward about interfering with that.
We have all tried the various organisations mentioned with little joy and my brother has shown no interest when given addresses and phone numbers as it is hard to even get him to admit that he has a problem, believe it or not. Hard to think that someone in his position could ignore his descent into the depths of dispair but somehow he does; he lives in a fanasy, alternative reality where books, films and TV shows are the most important things in the world and facts of life like getting work so he can get back on his feet and pay his rent so he can keep a roof over his head just do not feature. It's like if he doesn't acknowledge it it doesn't exist and I cannot talk to him about it, he will not talk.
I have wanted to fly over and show up unannounced so many times, believe me, I daydream about it! But first I was in full time work and very busy, then pregnant and ill with morning sickness for 5 months, then had other pregnancy related health problems I will not go into, then had a newborn and now my baby is 6 months old I would love to go over but not for a day, there would be no point. He would need at least three or four days just to start talking and we have alot of talking to do, which would require me to find a baby sitter I trust which I don't have. I want to help so badly, I am not making excuses for staying away, if things were different I would be there like a shot. I did go over once when I was 6 months pregnant and acted as mediator between my brother and my mum. Nothing was resolved and 9 months later we are in the same situation.
I am at a loss now. Something has got to give sooner or later. It's like watching your parents sit on a time bomb just wating for it to go off and wreck lives. God, I want to grab him and shake him.