I am sending my 16 yr dd to stay with my friend for a few days

[lia66]

I don't think I want to but I am at the end of my tether with her. :( I feel really guilty and I don't want her to think I'm sending her away, (friend lives few streets away not the other end of the country)but I can't take the way she just doesn't care at all about us.

she is my oldest dd and from first marriage as is ds1, (13) have 3 other dc's from 2nd marriage, new baby due any minute. She doesn't see her biological father very much but craves his attention and that of her older siblings, (his 2 grown up children fron his first marriage). Every so often he'll turn up for a couple of hours and fill her head with how they all wished she lived closer, (an hour away) etc etc. He doesn't do or say the same to ds. After these visits she is impossible for a few weeks, most recent visit was her 16th bday couple weeks ago. He couldn't give a toss about her in reality, doesn't pay his way and is a complete tosspott but I understand why she wants him to love her. :(

So, her and my dh don't really get on, they used to, until she got to about 12 and starting stealing money fromn the home, trying to play the big I am in front of her friends, (again, wanting to be liked). She stole from my friends too and he own. Everey time she was forgiven, I called the police to talk to her and we thought she'd grown out of it. She was bullied at school and so spent the whole of yr 9 at home. She is now back in a school and has been offered a place at 6th form. She has expressed an interest in nursing, particularly midwifery.She's trying at school and is doing studying and homework, as she s aware that she can only take 5 gcse's.

At home, she is rude to dh and just treats this place like a hotel. She is especially vindictive to her 13 yr brother. She helps herself to whatever she likes, food, money, Eg 85p from my car the other day, WTF? she had over £200 in cash 10 days ago for her birthday. She stole my last £13 a few weeks ago that gave her a grounding for 2 weeks and all her possesions taken from her room.

On saturday night, she lied to me about where she was stayingm, then turned up at out house at 1.30am in the morning with her friend and climbed in ds's bedroom windonw to get in as she didn't have a key and I had gone to bed thinking she was staying at her friend's house. She scared the life out of 7 yr ds knocking on the window. For this, she was grounded again after having 10 days of freedom since the last episode.

Yesterday dh came home from work, and it transpired she has helped herslf to his ipod touch from his work bag. This has involved going in our room, actually looking through his bag and removing it. He went mental and this in turn caused a row between us as he thinks the answer is to just not let her use the house, and only let her use her room. Ideally, he would like her to live somewhere else. :( She is my flesh and blood but she just doesn't care about us. Every time, I personally give her chance after chance and every time she proves him right, that she is just a thief who doen't give a monkey's about anyone except herself and what she wants.

In her defence, dh doesn't like her anymore and she knows this, he treats her with little more respect than she treats him. I tell him, that as the adult, he has to deal with his feelings, she is trying to grow up and we have to help her, not be mean to her and tell her we'd like to throw her out. He's always on at her to get a job, (she's tried a bit). and picks on her about the slightest little thing. I am stuck in the middle.

I am now at my wits end though, the house is a nicer place without her but thats not the answer is it? She's only just 16. Dh won't go to councilling and dd did go a few times a couple of years ago but found it very unhelpful, (she said) and won't go anymore.

Friend also has 5 kids and dd knows her really well, she is more strict than me in that curfews etc, (her eldest will be 18 in sept)but loves dd and wants to help.

Anything would be good to hear. I'm sure that in a few years she'll be a nice person and a responsible adult but I can't live like this all the time.

thanks if you got all the way through that.

[pgpg]

I'm absolutely no kind of expert (who is?) but I sympathise. I think that a break would do you all good, so this seems to me like a really good temporary solution so that you can all draw breath. I don't think you should feel guilty that she has gone to stay somewhere else for a while (she's 16!)- seems really sensible to me and might allow all of you to get a different perspective.

[MADABOUTTHEBOY2000]

id insist you ALL go to councilling inc DH hardly fair a lot of teens are like this for a while,she knows what she wants to do after leaving school 6th form have you expplained her actio taking things without asking will jeopardise that id sit DH down first and chat with him whilst hes in a good mood while shes away explaining how sad your feeling and that shes obviously missing dad and has these quite common feelings towards him shes a bit jelous of stepdad life seems greener on the other side when her dad visits so maybe a visit to stay with him will make her see its not that great/ or it might make her realise what hes like if he refuses , dont feel guilty your a good mum HTH

[lia66]

her dad wouldn't have her and I'm fed up with his shit excuses so don't ask anymore, she knows he doesn't care but so wants him to. I feel very sorry for her. I know what it's like to have a father who doesn't care about you.

If dh would chill a bit aswell. Maybe family counciolling is an idea, Where would I start? SS maybe?

[lia66]

Will definately look into family councilling but i have to say Mary she brings it all on herself, she knows right from wrong, her brother isn't a pain in the neck, this is all about her and her doing whatever she wants with no thought or concern for anyone else.

She's not struggling at school now, she is working hard to do well with what she can having missed out alot, she is coping well though.

Thanks though, it's good to have other perspectives.

[charitygirl]

Some Relate's do family counselling - most clients are stepfamilies.

If you call 0300 100 1234 they can tell you if it's available in your area. Good luck - it sounds vety stressful. She really also deserves counselling on her own to talk about her shitty dad - I;m sure that's at the route of a lot of it.

[lia66]

Thanks mary and I totally understand you but I have to disagree, she gets more from me than any of the other kids. One on one time etc. I go out of my way to understand her and help her, she just throws it all back in my face.

I know you're trying to help and I do appreciate it, I don't mean to knock back your suggestions but I have done all of this and still, here we are. It's very sad and I feel terrible.

[MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay]

I don't think it wil do anyone any harm to have a few days break.. let everyone cool a bit:)

Just a few suggestions though from someone who ahs also been there:

1. a keypad safe (not a cash box with key..keys will be taken) and keep ALL your family money in there..do not leave any around, or let the other children leave it around. Removing the temptation really does help and takes one stress away. We had to do this with DS (who stole from 13-16 from us) and we made it clear that's WHY we were getting the safe. H'es 18 now but we still use it as it was a good habit!
   
   
2. As DD isn't getting on with your DH, can you agree to ONLY have you deal with behaviour and incidents. It's really tricky to do this but it helps a lot of there isn't a 3 way argument going on, especially if you and DH don't particularly agree on how to handle situations. Again.. personal experience here as my DS got on better with me mostly and really fired up with DH, then one or other would turn on me for not supporting them! When we decided (on the recommendation of a behavioural management course I went on) that I should handle DS alone, it was surprising how much easier it was!
   
   
3. can you try and ignore the 'lesser' offences. Teens can be rude, treat homes like hotels and seeming ly uncaring but I suspect in there somewhere is a girl who is unhappy and struggling to cope. The fact she is back at school and working is really very positive and it would be a shame if the miserable stuff overshadows it. Being the eldest of 5 IS tough and being the eldest where her Dad doesn't want her and her Step Dad doesn't either is a really really unhappy place to be. Can you find something to be positive about with ehr every day, even if it's one small thing? I found it really helped even if I didn't WANT to be positive!
   
   Hang in there..

[ragged]

You aren't the first and you won't be the last, OP.