Pregnant Teenage Daughter Advice Needed.

[rose1927]

I have posted about her pregnancy before during the early stages...she has decided to keep her baby and is now 16 weeks...we have offered to support her to become indpendent and have said she can live at home until her hair dressing apprenticeship is complete which will be about a years time. We have several problems...

She works long hours and I am happy to tidy her room, do the wasing and make her breakfast or a cup of tea as I am at home most of the day. I do ask however that she does bring down her plates straight away and leave her room in a resonable state. This has not been happening without nagging and 3 day old plates appearing.

Also she works late on a wednesday and although I do not normally cook for her as she tends to do her own thing last wed and this wed she said she would be home about 8.30 for dinner. I made her tea and and she did not come home till 11 ....I dont even mind her not coming home...but she did not even text or phone to say...

I feel although we are not happy with her pregnancy we are doing everything we can to support her to independence and I just feel taken advantage of...I told her today things had to change (over the phone which was not good but I just lost my paitence) She just huffed and puffed like I was being soooo unreasonable. How can I make her stick to some ground rules ....it is so hard.

I am feeling very depressed and anxious about the whole situations...will she be like this with a baby too?

[FattyArbuckel]

Just stop cooking for her if she doesn't have the good manners to tell you if she will be 2 hours late.

I think I would leave her to sort out her own room and to live in a mess if thats what she wants.

Does she pay her way and contribute to the jobs of the household? I think this is important if she is going to be independent at all. Can she cook a family meal for you all once or twice a week to a budget?

[lilolilmanchester]

I think it's great that you are supporting your daughter, especially as you'd obviously rather she wasn't pregnant just yet . But you write "....we are doing everything we can to support her to independence" - I mean this kindly, but it doesn't sound like you are. You're letting her walk all over you, which most if not all teenagers will do, given half the chance. If she is going to be independent in a year's time, it sounds like she has an awful lot to learn about running a home -especially when working and looking after a little one. I think you need some ground rules. By all means, make her meal, but if she's not home for it when she said she would be, she can heat it up. By all means do her washing, but only if she puts it in the basket. And leave her to tidy her own room. I think you're making it too easy for her tbh.

[rose1927]

Thank you, I dont tidy her room for her I clean it for her if she has left it tidy enough,she does do this after nagging it is the nagging I want to stop I want her to realise she is going to be a mother and a baby is going to have to share her bedroom . She does not do any chores at home as she works 50 hours per week and has low vit b12 and has injections for this. She does have an awful lot to learn about everything I will admit I do not know where to start. We would like her to finish her training so that she has some sort of skill that she can rely on. We have drawn up a contract which she agreed to the following:

To keep her room tidy
To bring down her plates
To do her own washing


She will do this but only after lots and lots of moaning...I dont know how to make her realise what lies ahead for her. She can cook but to be honest she splits her time between here and her boyfriends. I suppose I am so angry about these little things because I feel so angry that she just let herself get pregnant (I am not sure it was even an accident) and left us to pick up the pieces. We are supporting her because we love her but she really has pushed us to the limits.

She only really communicates with us when she wants something.

She does put £50 out of her £90 wage away each week for baby.

It is more her attitude and lack of appreciation more than the pregnancy that makes me so cross. Thank you for your posts.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Oh I remember you from last time. You sound like an absolute saint.

You are being very supportive, but she DOES need to pull her socks up and realise that cannot act like a kid any more, now that she has decided to become a mother.

I think you would be well within your rights to read her the riot act. leabing plates festering for days is horrible (I loathe this, and am very strict with dd if she does this). Letting you know if she is coming home or not is simple courtesy.

You ahve the right idea about ground rules. You sound very patient and loving. However I really think that you do need to be a bit harder on her.

[rose1927]

Hi, thank you , I have decided to say that I will not cook for her anymore and that as bringing down her plates is proving difficult for her to remember she must eat all her food at the table in the kitchen.

I dont mind giving and doing I just want her to realise that I have feelings too and I just want to feel she appreciates what we are doing not her pregnant and us still doing all the running....How to I make her grow up...she just needs to give a little back.

My son is the lovliest teenage boy you could wish for and is very considerate...they have both been brough up the same, why are they so different.

[MadAboutQuavers]

She will realise alright, rose - just as soon as you stop treating her as though she still needs a mother to look after her daily needs.

If she wants to do adult things like having a sexual relationship with her boyfriend, and having a baby as a result of it, then you need to treat her more like a lodger (when it comes to household stuff), than your DD.

Stop washing, ironing and cooking for her. Just stop. The minute she's got no clean clothes to wear, and you ask her what the hell she expects if she doesn't wash anything, she'll get the message. She may moan about it, but this is children's behaviour and she'll just have to lump it.

Otherwise, when the baby arrives, guess who'll be looking after its needs? Not your daughter, unless it suits her...

[rose1927]

Thank you everyone, you are right I need to stop looking after her and make her grow up she can like it or lump it this is her mess after all....I will toughen up xx

[kickassangel]

i also think you need to treat her like an adult lodger - so her room is her concern, but the rest of the house is up to you. does she pay any rent, or is saving for the baby her alternative? (fair enough in the circ.s)

if you had a lodger - an independent adult who you had a contract with - what would you expect from them? think of it like that. also, if you went away on holiday for a week, what would happen? i think you need to stand back. yes, she'll make a load of mistakes, but she needs to make them before the baby arrives.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Mad and kickass are absolutely right.

Also, I know she is saving, but i think it would be a good idea to start charging her keep. Even if it is soemthing nominal like a tenner a week, it is important that you do so.

[rose1927]

Yes, you are all right.I think I will start taking some rent money too. Its is very hard to change the way you have been for the last 20 years but I think maybe if I do I may not feel so angry about things thanks to you all very wise people xxx

[MadAboutQuavers]

Good luck rose - and if she tries to lay guilt-trips on you, just remind yourself you're helping her to stand on her own two feet. As we all have to at some point!

[FattyArbuckel]

Unfortunately I think you don't really realise or appreciate what your parents do for you until you have to do it yourself.

Once she starts mat leave I would expect her to be doing a lot of the chores and cooking around the house.

In the meanwhile, I know 50 hours a week is a lot to work if you ar pregnant, but I still think that she should have regular household responsibilities eg cook one family meal per week and clean the bathroom twice a week. Not much in the scheme of things but understanding that she needs to make a contribution. Stop cleaning her room, that is treating her as a child!

[rose1927]

Thank you, for all your support. I will be strong xxx

[LynetteScavo]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say, she is still a teenager. Just because she is pregnant, and has started a job, doesn't mean she is suddenly a grown up.

Will she be like this with a baby too? Probably, which is why she needs you.

[MadameCastafiore]

Agree with Lynette - she needs you to get off her back for christs sake - her hormones are up in the air and you are bitching about 3 day old plates - god my sister had a lab in her bedroom where she grew penicillin (well just a collection of mouldy cups and dishes!)

I think you should start taking rent from her and stop cooking for her but is it really worth all this hassle because of a few plates, missed meals and a untidy room?

Did you think she would get pregnant and then become a perfect daughter? And I hope you don;t rave on abaout what a fab son you have to her - that would push her right over the edge.

Treat her like a toddler in other words - pick your battles, stick to ones that are really important and give her some responsibility whilst also giving her some independance to fuck up (more than she has already it seems!)

[rose1927]

I can see both lots of advice, and I agree with both. I can see from this afternoon that the problem is that things that I would normally let go I cannot let go any more because we are still so cross with her. This was not a contraceptive failure, this was stupidity. It has been the only thing we asked her not to do. She has known how we feel we had asked her over and over and she had promised she would not let this happen. I think because I still feel so cross about this, the little things just make me snap because I feel a fool for trusting her in first place. We do not ever say we just have a fab son, she knows we love them all exactly the same they just have very different personalities. We adore our daughter very much but we as do not want a baby in the house really and I do not want to have to change my job to help with childcare. She has put us in a very difficult position financially.

[FattyArbuckel]

She is lucky to have a mum like you

[colditz]

You will have to either let go of your resentment or ask her to move out. She is working a 50 hour week with anaemia and pregnancy. I'm surprised she's as reasonable as she is.

Tell her no more food in her room. Tell her you want a family meal cooked once a week.

But for fucks sake, she is handling an unplanned pregnancy as a teen better than I handled it aged 21, so cut her some slack and be proud of how adult she really is being. If she really was being immature, you would be drinking, smoking, taking drugs and blowing every penny she gets - as it is, she's working 50 hours a week and putting more than half of that aside for her baby.

She is going to need you, she's very young and she's having a baby. Whether or not you choose to support her without resentment is up to you.

[MadAboutQuavers]

She's works full time. She's (presumably) 16, not 13. And she still whines about doing housework!

She clearly still expects everything to be her mum's responsibility. If she doesn't grow a sense of responsibility herself - and quickly then the OP's life isn't going to be worth living. The whining and excuses will continue, and the baby will also become the OP's responsibility.

She's a teenager - not a baby! IMO, if you treat her like a toddler rose, she will play up like one.

You can still support her whilst taking no more nonsense and insisting that she grow up. She's got no choice, she's going to have a baby FFS!

[Aminata100]

Wow! Words fail me

[rose1927]

Hello Thank you for your replies...I think things will be better now, she and her boyfriend has parted company...he had no job and despite our best efforts was a constant drain on her little remaining money (too fond of the bookies). We had a long chat with her last night and I think she understands now that we love her and will help her but that she has to understand how this pregnancy has made us feel too. I dont think we are resentful we just feel very hurt we have had lots of other issues with her over the years and it has been very difficult and hard work, we did however think we were over the worst and she had come out the other side. She is doing her best to provide for the baby and she is working long hours. She has agreed to cook a meal once a week.....She will be nearly 18 when this baby comes so not that young really and we are trying to take some comfort that this could of happened earlier.
We have re-established some ground rules and I hope things will be better. She is a much happier person when her boyfriend is not on the scene. Of course we expect the same from our son, and yes does his bit and more.....We are trying very hard to be normal grandparents but we are only just 40 and cant really comprehend this concept that easily. We were just enjoying each other again and having some long awaited time as a couple. We are helping out with bits and pieces and prams and cots but the day to day cost of the baby must be hers. The views on here have been very mixed and all I can say is I feel all of these views at least ten times a day and I am sure my husband and daughter do too it is a very confusing and difficult time for us all. I either feel I am too hard or too soft. TBH I feel like a crap mother at the moment but I am doing my best and that is all I can do. I am sure we will all be fine....Thanks again it is just good to off load sometimes x

[GetOrfMoiLand]

You are not a crap motehr - you sound like a very loving mother who is trying ehr best with a terribly difficult situation.

You are being as supportive as you can, but I totally understand your fear that you will be looking after a baby again, when you thought your baby days were over (and not yet ready for grandparenthood).

I had a baby at 17, and it is tough. You do need to be quite hard on her, as she needs to step up to the responsibility of being a mother. FWIW I wish I had had a mother who was as kind as you when I found out I was pregnant.

Good luck to you and your family.

[rose1927]

Oh thank you getorfmoiland that is very kind x

[kickassangel]

when i made the comment about trying to think of her as a lodger, i was meaning that you should try to detach yourself from your emotions a little. if something she's doing is causing you a problem, you need to stand back & think 'would this be a problem if it was someone else?'

i know that's almost impossible, but it would help you to work out if it's her behaviour that is unacceptable, or if your feelings are making you more upset than usual. once you've tried to be objective about it, then you can indulge your feelings. it's just that any decision you make now could affect your relationship long term, so try not to make them based on emotion too much.

i had just turned 18 when i went to college & pretty much never returned. my parents had no idea about the state of my room, or what hours i kept & i'd have resented them interfering. it must be a hugely emotional time for her and she is still a teenager, it must be harder for her to cope atm than for you. Many people really do grow up when they have kids, she may suddenly mature & be independent in a way you don't expect - be prepared to stand back & let her do that, or you will have years of conflict. And don't forget how many first time mums just don't get what life will be like before the baby arrives. she may be feeling like her life is about to end & she'll never have another boyfriend/night out/new outfit again.

it sounds like you're doing pretty well - she hasn't run off in a strop & she is holding down a full time job when many people would give up. it will be hard, but finding the balance of both supporting her, but also pushing her into independence is what you need to do.

fwiw, it sounds like she does more round the house than my dh does, and he is neither anaemic nor pregnant.

(just to add, he works even longer hours than your dd & I don't work, in case people start worrying about my relationship)