Sister in recovery. I feel a mess still.(9 Posts)
I don't come on here much but I thought there might be someone who may be able to shed light on how I feel or have gone through/be going through the same. I'll try to be brief;
I'm mid forties she is couple of years younger. We grew up close. Best friends. Over the past ten years her behaviour towards me got noticeably nasty and at times emotionally manipulative and over the past 5 years, although we've kept in touch and I love her, I like her less as she blames me for many things and is very very abusive at all times of the day and night via text, whatsapp etc..
We (me and my other sister) had worked out over the last 12 months that she had a drink, cocaine and prescription drug problem. She hit rock bottom earlier this year (took sleep pill overdose) and between us we got her to a good recovery unit where she seems to have done well and is still working at being sober. This is good news.
I have read so much about addicts and seen a counsellor as this obvs has been like a grenade dropped on all my family. I am trying to stay strong and mostly managing but sometimes I still feel so rubbish. Her friends were completely unaware to what has been happening as they have not had any of the abuse that she directed at her family. In their eyes we are the bad lot. This is what is upsetting me most. Why does she seem to hate us, blame us and punish us so much? - I say us but I think I mostly mean me. I haven't seen or heard form her since she went into recovery because she frankly scares me and I don't trust her anymore and also because I think its better for her to do her AA and get better without having to think about us lot. I guess she'll get in touch, or not, at some point?
Sorry for outpouring. I think I need to try Al Anon don't I?
Thankyou for any advice or support anyone can offer.
She talks regularly and has seen my mum and dad. She has told my other sister that she'll be the one to "initiate contact" hence partly why I'm standing back a bit. She knows that we are here for her. I took part in a group addict thing at her recovery centre and I have never once left her or ignored her, despite the abuse, whilst she was at the height of her alcohol and drug abuse.
Yes, I think she is probably still working hard on her AA steps and maybe hasn't reached the facing up to the damage bit yet. Gosh, I really don't know. All I don't know is that there is lot about addiction form the side of the family that is not talked about publicly so much. Like the whole blaming thing so that they can carry on. Its quite tough.
Drugs transform a person completely. I think you need to let your sister go until she has done what she needs to do. Drugs destroy so much more than the addict, I have been through this and have not seen my sister for 5 years. I'm so sorry OP.
Thankyou [SandysMam] and I'm really sorry to hear that you've effectively lost your sister because of her addictions. I really am sorry. Also its so hard because anyone who hasn't experienced all this mess can really understand the nuances, the treading on eggshells and the hypocrisy involved in it all can they. Ha, and that's me putting it politely!
Step 8 is the one where people make amends with friends and family, so perhaps she hasn't got there yet. It is good she is still there, you obviously care a lot for her.
It's great that your sister is following a 12 Step programme. Addiction is very much a family disease, I go to Families Anonymous meetings, there are meetings in most of the UK, their website is www.famanon.org.uk. Hope you find support
If you haven't read Rachel's Holiday by Marian Keyes, I can highly recommend it. It is hilarious but it's also unflinchingly honest about how addicts will find ways to blame everyone but themselves for what they've done. Facing up to this is a key part of the recovery process.
Either way you need to accept that none of what happened is your fault. You aren't all the bad things she said, and you certainly don't need to tolerate abusive messages from her. (In your first paragraph you imply that she is still sending these, but later you say you've not heard from her, so I assume you mean she was sending these before she went into rehab?).
It feels like you need to give yourself permission to get angry with her. She has done this, not you.
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