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If you had been with your new partner for less than 1 year, would you be happy to take on his 2-month old baby fulltime?

(25 Posts)
Ceebee74 Wed 23-Sep-09 15:29:45

My sister is in this position and I am finding it quite difficult to accept and would like some other point of views to help me get my head round it. I am trying to be supportive (particularly as our mum is not!) but am struggling.

The baby is currently in care, and has been since she was born (I am not sure if the mother is not allowed to have her or doesn't want her).

It all just seems so fast - less than 12 months ago, my sister was married, her family was complete....and now, she is seperated, with a new partner (who she was actually engaged to when she was in her early 20's so not really a 'new' partner) who left his (pregnant) partner - and now they are moving in together and likely to gain custody of the baby.

Her new partner cheated on her and then left her all those years ago and doesn't exactly come with a great reputation. Initially he wanted nothing to do with the baby so I think my sister has pushed him into it....but why can I only think that it will all go pear-shaped in a couple of years and she will be left holding the baby??

Hulababy Wed 23-Sep-09 15:31:40

It would very much depend on whether I was in for the lang haul and thought the relationship was going to last.

But after about a year I would hope to know eiether way. I wouldn't rule it out at all.

Maybe your sister feels that she can give this baby a better life?

Ceebee74 Wed 23-Sep-09 19:30:08

Hulababy - thanks for that - that is exactly what I need - other perspectives on it.

vacalocachachacha Wed 23-Sep-09 19:35:24

The fact that the baby is in care at the moment is probably making the situation more urgent and making your sister take the plunge when in normal circumstances she may have considered it for a bit longer.

What a difficult situation.

bigchris Wed 23-Sep-09 19:37:02

has she got children of her own?
I don't think it's something you can talk her out of tbh
and it might all work out okay, fingers crossed

CarGirl Wed 23-Sep-09 19:41:59

Could his ex be a drinker or druggie hence why he left her and hence why baby is in care?

All I know is that your sister needs to be 100% otherwise this baby will presumably get adoptive parents that SS think have a solid relationship and give it a fab life.

Ceebee74 Wed 23-Sep-09 20:02:34

I am not sure about his ex - she is mentally ill now (hence why she is not looking after the baby) and I don't think she was the most stable person when he was with her.

Yes, she has 3 children (the eldest is 12 and youngest is 6) of her own and certainly the oldest one has had a really tough time over his parents splitting up and this just seems like something else he has to deal with before he has really had a chance to deal with his emotions.

I think it makes a difference that my sister absolutely adores babies and would happily take in a random baby if she found one on the street - completely different to me which is why I am am struggling to understand.

CarGirl Wed 23-Sep-09 20:05:19

I think your sister has to understand that ss would automatically go to her partner and ask him as he's an interested party so he has to have the opportunity to say yes/no.

I think she needs to think long & hard about whether she would be doing it for herself or for the baby. She's got a lot going on in her life and a baby would be a lovely distraction, but it could be at the expense of her own dc????

Sorry that's a horrid thing to say but I would hope ss would be asking her the same tough questions.

hobbgoblin Wed 23-Sep-09 20:06:21

Well, if she is prepared to take on this child for the child's sake rather than for the relationships's sake it doesn't really matter whether she is left 'holding the baby' does it? If she is doing this for the relationship, as it were, then it would be a very wrong thing to do as there would be a huge risk of resentment towards the child should the relationship break down.

Bottom line being; if she is doing this for the child then it will all be fine. If doing it for any other reason then emotional harm could be done.

mrsjammi Wed 23-Sep-09 20:12:54

Message withdrawn

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks Wed 23-Sep-09 20:17:08

I would worry that she wouldn't be left holding the baby if they split up. If they split up in a year's time what rights would she have over the baby? I genuinely don't know but if she hasn't adopted the baby then I suspect it could be none.

The bloke could bugger off with the baby and how upset would she be?

CarGirl Wed 23-Sep-09 20:17:48

I think your sister really needs to clarify if her partner wants to take on his own baby, if she is pushing him into it then this is not a good start.

I don't think it's fair on a baby to be raised in a situation where it isn't really wanted, the relationship may fall apart, and oh it's older step siblings resent it.

I would just try and ensure that your sister is being reallistic and not looking through rose tinted glasses or being a "rescuer" or something.......

That baby will end up with loving parents if it's adopted.

StewieGriffinsMom Wed 23-Sep-09 20:20:47

Message withdrawn

LuluMamaaaaarrrrr Wed 23-Sep-09 20:25:18

agree with stripey and cargirl in particular

taking on a newborn in the wake of everything else that has gone on is a massive undertaking, especially when she has other children to consider, who are probably reeling a bit

the child might be better off with a stable adoptive family, but no-one can see into the future and see if your sis and partner will make it work this time, they are obviously different people to who they were all those years ago, but for me, it seems a massive backward step, to get back with an ex and take on another baby

the health and wellbeing of the baby has to be the driving force behind this, not your sister wanting to make grand gestures or play happy families, or the new partner pushing her into anything

why does he not have his own child with him?

Ceebee74 Wed 23-Sep-09 20:53:22

The baby is not with the father as the mother refused to acknowledge him as the father until the baby had already been taken into care (the mother was seriously ill in intensive care straight after the birth and with no recognised father, SS had to step in) so I assume SS have to take precautions and the process of granting a residency order takes time I guess.

In the meantime him and my sis are not living together yet as he lives/works hundreds of miles away - so he would have to give up his job and move here which I am not sure he really wants to do.

I think my mum is just worried about the impact on her GC as obviously they are her priority - I can't blame her really.

LuluMamaaaaarrrrr Wed 23-Sep-09 20:56:51

it sounds like a recipe for disaster, forcing things to happen too quickly before eitehr party is ready

they have no idea if they can live together as a couple agian, with their children , never mind with a newborn

they need to know first that they can be a couple and a family before considering anything else

mrsjammi Wed 23-Sep-09 20:59:50

Message withdrawn

CarGirl Wed 23-Sep-09 21:02:50

With that added information - a complete recipe for disaster indeed!!!!!

Her partner needs to make the decisions whether he wants to be a Dad to his baby for life whether he is with your sister or not, in a way your sister needs to butt out. It's good that she is happy to take on the baby if they are in a relationship but it has to initially be his responsibility to make the decision and be prepared to be a single Dad if need be.

Ceebee74 Wed 23-Sep-09 21:06:06

Sorry - didn't mean this to be one of those 'drip-feed' threads blush

mrsjammi Wed 23-Sep-09 21:07:04

Message withdrawn

LadyGlencoraPalliser Wed 23-Sep-09 21:17:21

Stripey makes a very good point here. Unless your sister formally adopts the baby she is likely to have no legal status in its life, at least initially. How would she feel if in a year or two years the relationship breaks down and she no longer has a place in the baby's life? For me, not being left holding the baby would be the most worrying (and most likely) scenario.

CarGirl Wed 23-Sep-09 21:17:59

I really think the best approach is to point out to your sister that you will support her whatever does happen.

Try and gently point out to her that the best interests of the baby is that she ends up in stable family unit whether it be long term foster parents so that her Mum can have contact when she is better/well enough, or adoption. Obviously if the Dad has the baby then there is a chance that they may have to deal with the Mum being on the scene.........

Will she be open to hearing that her dc are struggling and that rushing into being one big family could be a recipe for disaster? The adoption process takes months anyway to give any interested parties the opportunity to come forward, this isn't something they need to rush into now.

Ceebee74 Wed 23-Sep-09 21:23:44

Mrsjammi - thanks for the word of caution. I haven't given her my view one way or another - I am just trying to support her (whatever my personal view on the matter is).

I am a bit confused as to where the process is at as she has told me that it is likely they are going to get an interim residency order in the next week or so - so I am assuming this means that it is a temporary arrangement pending a permanent arrangement being made? Her partner has tons of holiday to take so is going to move down here for 2 months to look after the baby (although her soon-to-be-ex-H is not that happy about him moving into the old family home but I guess that is a whole other story!!)

MrsMerryHenry Wed 23-Sep-09 21:24:01

I think it hinges more on the kind of person your sister is than on why she's doing it. Just as relationships can change, people's motivations can change all the time. This is an unbelievably complex situation, but if your sister is a strong woman with a huge 'listening heart' (i.e. she prioritises her and other people's needs/ feelings above the other stuff of life), I would think that she would be one of the few people who could possibly make this work.

It will be incredibly tough, incredibly so, but that's not a reason for her not to do it. She also needs to plan how she (and her new partner) will give her DCs the support and attention that they need so that none of the children is left out.

CarGirl Wed 23-Sep-09 21:28:37

I would suspect he has interim residency order because the baby still has a Mum who for all they know does want involvement etc. It could be a very long drawn out process.

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