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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Calling a friendly voice......

12 replies

Nelli29 · 09/03/2005 08:30

Hi everyone, Nelli here. Things have been quite calm for a while so I should have expected this. My DH and I have been trying for a baby of our own (he has one 6 yr old) for about 10 months with no success, which is hard enough in itself. Just heard yesterday that dh ex is expecting, it would have had less of an impact if I'd have been kicked in the stomach. I know it shouldn't matter to me, but I just just wanted my dh and I to have that first experience with sd, I just don't seem to measure up, feel like I can't do anything right and that someone up there really doesn't like me for some reason. I know I am lucky, I have a good life and I am grateful but I can't feeling so gutted about this. My mind has gone into overdrive, I just know she will gloat, sd will be talking about it all the time, we will have to go and see the nursery, and baby when it gets here etc...and even if we are lucky enough to conceive, everything sd mum does is obviously going to be the 'right' way and my way will be wrong. Worst case senario is that if we (god forbid) have problems trying to conceive...what then, I know I won't be able to carry on pretending everything is fine, listening and seeing her in her perfect world. I know I sound bitter , and I don't think I am, I just feel like shouting its not fair!! I'm just not sure I can cope with it. I feel so sad

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MunchedTooManyMarsLady · 09/03/2005 08:34

your way will be your way and her way hers. There's no perfect way to do this child rearing thing. Hope you get pg soon. {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

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TracyK · 09/03/2005 08:35

Sorry - don't have any advice - just sending you my sympathy!
Have a read through some of the old threads - I sometimes do - it makes me feel better that there are people a LOT much worse off than I am!
I know it must be devastating for you and I don't know what I would do in your situation - hugs anyway. x

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Spanish26 · 09/03/2005 11:10

Nelli,

I'm worried about your references to measuring up and not doing things right, plus saying she has the perfect world.

Have you thought she may not have the perfect world? She may look at you or others and think they have the perfect world.

Maybe you have a little bit of a self esteem problem. Learn to love yourself, have confidence in who you are and how you live life.

As the lady before said - your way is just a different way. Its not the wrong way. Just be confident in your way and love who YOU are. You'll soon find happiness that way....and I bet when you are happy the baby will happen.

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TROUBLE1 · 09/03/2005 11:30

My advice is try to forget about her and start having fun making a baby! Try to take the stress out of it and enjoy it. Maybe suggest some things in the bedroom that you haven't done before so the emphasis is taken away from trying to make a baby to just having fun and enjoying each other. It will give you more confidence within yourself and your partner and maybe it will take the pressure off trying to concieve? When you do have a baby you wont have much time for it again so take advantage!

When we started to try for a baby I was told that it could be difficult for me so I made my mind up not to worry about it. If it was going to happen then it will - and it did. I'm sure it was because that I wasn't stressing and thinking about trying to get pregnant. Just let it go after all it shouldn't be about her it should be about you and your partner. Sorry if I've rambled on good luck

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squirrel3 · 09/03/2005 11:37

Sorry no advice - only lots of sympathy and hugs. I hope you get preg soon. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Every child brings its own love and is an individual so therefore treated differently, my own kids were so different, one was an angel the other cried all the time so I did things differently with them, there is no one right way and when you do have your own child (very soon I hope) you will do things the best way for your child and when it happens I am sure your sd will love your child to bits.

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valentine5 · 09/03/2005 11:42

i so feel for for nelli29 this must be so hard,my partnr has a 6 year old too and i feel ready for a child of my own but he doesent feel ready yet which hurts very much ,i always feel im not good enough to have a child with and thats the reason he doesent want children with me, i know this is not true but i still feel like that sometimes.all i can say to you is just remember who hes with and realise he obviously wants you and not her or he wouldent be with you,i hope the hurting stops but i know where your coming frm, sometimes you wonder when it will all stop i feel the same,you think you have a grip on things and then something makes you feel the bad feelings again its like you say in one of your threads" 2 steps forward 3 steps back" i agree with spanish26 when she says about it being a confidence thing ,thats so true i think you need to work on your self esteem and realise how much you have to give xx

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littlerach · 09/03/2005 12:00

Just to offer you some support, keep trying, and have fun doing it!!!!xx

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tarantula · 09/03/2005 13:05

Hi Nellie Sorry to hear you are having a bad time again. Dont really knwo what to say except to offer hugs. You are wonderful caring person who has worked hard at being a good stepmum. Jsut remember that you and yor partner are together and he wants to be with YOU and wants to have kids with YOU. Ignore what the x says and listen to those that really matter. If I had ever listened to dps x on childrearing then Id be in a right 2n8 (comments like 'dumping kids in nurserys' knowing Im a working mum and 'bedtime routines are crap' knowing Ive got one I could go on and on). IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE and repeat after me...DH is with me and not with her and we will ahve the BEST BABY in the WORLD together. YA WILL YA WILL YA WILL (ala Mrs Doyle)

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Surfermum · 09/03/2005 13:33

{{{{hugs}}}} Nellie. I can't really add to the really good advice others have given here, but it must be awful for you, as I know you would dearly love a baby yourself.

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Nelli29 · 10/03/2005 08:55

Thanks to everyone for your replies. Feel a little better today. Have spoken to a friend at work which has helped, although she has just repeated everything you have all said! Had last night on my own as dh was out, had a think a cry etc...can't seem to pull myself back up yet. I just wish I could switch my mind off for a while, I have a huge headache and every other thought I have is about the situation. I just want it to stop for a while. I mean its not asthough anyone is ill or died or anything so why can't I get a grip?? I feel like my mental energy has run out.
Sorry to start the morning off badly, I really appreciate all you support and I know eventually i will get a handle on things....I WILL I WILL I WILL!!!!

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otto · 10/03/2005 10:21

Would it be possible for you and dh to go away on holiday for a while or even just for a weekend? It would give you a chance to concentrate on your relationship with him and hopefully an opportunity to try and put this out of your mind for a while.

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Nelli29 · 11/03/2005 17:40

Just to say that I feel much better now. decided that theres nothing I can do about it so I need accept its happened(ing) and although all the feelings I have described are still inside me, they have subsided a little. At the end of the day negativity breeds negativity so I need to let it go. (untill the next scenario ofcourse!!) I know that when we have our own baby none of this will matter and it will be a very special time for us. Thanks for all your replies, it really helps me you know so thank you very much!