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Her insecurities!!!!!

(15 Posts)
talie101 Sun 13-Jul-08 12:25:27

Long story cut short but......after an incident with xh bringing his partner to dd's school play, which totally upset the applecart and caused lots of hostility again, we met up to get back to an amicable state for the sake of the children.

From what he told me his partner (OW) is not quite as confident as she makes out to me! She checks ALL his texts (inbox/sent etc) EVERY day!...espcially looking for ones between me and xh! I did have to laugh and said to him "so you've gone from bad to worse then!" hehe wink

He told me that she is adamant about coming to all school plays with him!...which I can see purely as a selfish act on her part to prove a point that he is with her and not me anymore and nothing to do with being there for the dd's! He managed to put her off for the Xmas one but couldn't for the recent one and can't promise that she wont be at future ones! I can see his hands are tied and that he is in a position BUT.....I am NOT happy that she come to 'our' children's plays....the main reason being that due to a history of verbal abuse/physical abuse and the upset of daddy leaving, it's taken a long time to get my eldest dd (now 6) to a secure happy state. She is not yet at a stage to cross the two lives over (as told to me by her psychiatrist). I also do not feel that I want to have to sit at a special occasion for me with the OW being there too! They are not married, he has doubts about the relationship and has told me that he wanted to leave her a while back etc, so all in all not a long-term thing perhaps?

Why should I risk further upset of the dd's when she turns up which then rubs off on me because I will be anxious about the problems that will occur with the dd's afterwards...making what should be a special occasion for all, probably a totally miserable one!

I DO NOT WANT TO BARE THE BRUNT OF HER INSECURITIES!....but don't know how to deal with this...he is spineless and would not stop her from coming but why should the dd's suffer just because she obviously still (after 4 years) has a problem with him being anywhere near me....even if it is at opposite ends of a school hall !

Can anyone help me find a way to resolve this issue?

ElenorRigby Sun 13-Jul-08 19:32:08

I cant give advice on how to resolve this but...

I am DP's new partner, I am not the OW (btw is that a general term for women who husbands/partners cheated with?)
DP and I met about 18 months after his ex ended their marriage. DP has a 5yo DD.

Personally I would not go to nursery/school plays/parents evenings etc even though we have been together 3 years. The reason being I am not DSD's mum and I dont want step into that parental territory.

The one joint function I do go to is DSD's b'day parties as DSD would want me there. Personally Id rather not bother becuase I dont want to be in DP's ex's presence but I go for DSD's sake.

Was their relationship begun with them cheating on you? I have a theory that relationships that started with cheating are prone to insecurity after all if someone has shown themselves capable of cheating once, they have crossed that line so could do that again.

lovelysongbird Sun 13-Jul-08 19:37:26

why do you even care if she is there?
do you still want to be with your ex or something?

paros Sun 13-Jul-08 20:16:08

Read the post

jammi Sun 13-Jul-08 22:16:50

Message withdrawn

youcannotbeserious Sun 13-Jul-08 22:17:39

he is spineless and would not stop her from coming

Talie - this is the root of the problem!!!

HE should be able to stand up to his partner and tell her, in no uncertain terms, that YOUR children's events are not open season.

I don't know how to resolve this - sorry! - but it does sound like you get a reasonable amount of pleasure from knowing that his OW is upset by you (Understandable, I will admit)

This really ahould be your xh standing up to his partner - her level of insecurity is mind blowinga fter 4 years!!

LongLiveGreenElizabeth Sun 13-Jul-08 22:24:13

She sounds like a basket case and ha ha, she is HIS problem. He sounds under the thumb and 100% surveilled if that is the right word.

So unless it upsets your daughter, I would jsut let her trail him, I mean accompany him to the plays.

I agree with Jammi, act like you don't notice whether she's there or not. She's so insignificant that she doesn't even bleep on your peripheral radar. That'd piss her off more than trying to tell your xh to come alone.

talie101 Tue 15-Jul-08 11:07:06

Thanks for all your opinions.

I do care about her coming mainly because when he turned up unannounced with her it totally threw my dd and problems that had been resolved for 3-4 months beforehand restarted! I have asked him to communicate with me and tell me what he is going to do so I can prepare my dd beforehand and hopefully alleviate any further problems....but he is in complete denial that there is or ever had been any problems and just sees it as me being awkward!

..but yes, I DON'T want her there either. Surely some things are special to the parents alone? If they were married or more committed maybe things would be different. If we are all playing supposed happy families...how would she feel if I attend her dd's school plays etc?!

I believe what he says about her and I know he regrets leaving his children big time. I do also agree that he would play one against the other....he makes me out to be the bitch of an ex wife, which I am NOT. I have not once given her a hard time, I leave them well alone!

Yes, I did get a little pleasure from him saying she is insecure....purely because when I have spoken to her she comes across as so arrogantly confident about him and her together and tries to put me in my place, which really winds me up and I have to bite my tongue!....which is totally the opposite to how she really is ...so why shouldn't I feel slightly pleased that's not the case!

I agree that she is HIS problem....and he should deal with it, not me....I have enough to deal with because of him!

Malibugirl Tue 15-Jul-08 12:24:54

This is a very interesting post. Can I just ask, does the OW actually have a relationship with your children? i.e. does she see the children when your ex has them? The only reason I ask is I am assuming she doesn't normally see them otherwise I cant understand why this affected your DD so much. If this is the case then I can see why you dont want her to be there for the sake of the children.

If however, I have read it wrong and the OW does regularly see your children during visits etc. then I am trying to understand why it upset your DD so much that she came to the play. If your ex has been with her for 4 years and she has known the children all this time (most of their life) then I would have though they might have accepted things a little by now. If this is the case then its only a suggestion, but perhaps it is you getting so stressed about her coming which could be rubbing off on DD?

Im not taking sides, as it does sound like your husband and the OW are in the wrong for various reasons and I dont really know your full situation, so I cant comment too much. Obviously your children (and you) have been through a very traumatic time. I understand you wanting school plays to be "parents time only" and from what you have said it would appear that she wants to go for her own insecurity reasons only.

My DH's ex doesn't even tell him when the school plays are and if the children tell him then when he asks for tickets he is told "they dont want you there"! When he asks the children they say they do want us (DH and me) there but that "mummy has only asked for tickets for her and her boyfriend" and you cant ask for extra tickets. Incidentally, im not even an OW and DH and I got together 3 years after they seperated. We are now married and the children have known us together longer than they knew their parents together!

jammi Tue 15-Jul-08 12:38:09

Message withdrawn

milknosugar Tue 15-Jul-08 12:42:27

if it upset my child for her to be there i would ask the school to ban her. of course they shouldnt get involved in arguments between parents, but this is an argument between her and your child. the teacher can always find out from dd how she feels to verify what you say (and no i dont mean ask her straight out, they will be able to do it without her realising)

jammi Tue 15-Jul-08 12:48:52

Message withdrawn

youcannotbeserious Tue 15-Jul-08 13:42:43

I would reckon it upsets DD so much because it upsets her mum.... Kids are very perceptive on such things....

My DSDs have a very good relationship with me, but would (even now!) get stressed if they thought their mum was about.

MNS - that is really quite funny! Do you really think the school would go round 'banning' parents on your say so!???

Again, I will say: THis SHOULD NOT be an argument between the mum and the OW. That is playing straight into the hands of the man who caused it.

Mostly, the OW will act only on the advice or instructions of the parent (and Talie has said as much here). She (the OW) is doing what she is doing because she is being told to. If she doesn't, she will be called a bitch for not accepting his kids. SHe's in a no win position.

She's trying to help, she may well have asked fro the number just in case, as she doesn't want to get into the kids' mum's face (HOW MANY POSTS are there on MN about THAT happening??????????????????????????)

She sounds like she is caring for the kids and that is what should matter.

milknosugar Tue 15-Jul-08 15:45:46

but if it isnt an argument between the parents and the dd is upset by something then they must have to do something, surely. and if the presence of the ow is upsetting for dd then they would be out of order to do nothing.

it is hard to tell if its an argument between parents or a problem between dd and the ow, as i said they shouldnt get involved in parent problems but the op said dd is upset by her being there. the school will be able to judge which is the case and can act if they think the situation requires it. and the school is not banning a parent, they are banning the friend of a parent because they are causing a child of the school upset, not because a parent has asked them to, op would just be drawing attention to it.

talie101 Tue 15-Jul-08 16:10:56

I am seriously at a loss as to why this affects my dd... the psychiatrist said because of everything that has gone on in the past between xh and I (verbal and some physical abuse) dd 'compartmentalises' the two lives and finds it difficult to mix the two...hopefully as she grows older she will be able to understand and cope more with this? Maybe my dd still thinks that xh will kick off at me being in the same room and more about him being there unannounced than her?...but she was excited about daddy being there and did not mention OW at all, hence the presumption? that her presence restarted the problems.

DD's have spent 2-3 yrs with her and yes, you would think would be used to this by now. I have no issues with them being with her on her own territory as from what I gather a good time is had by all and they do not refuse to go or say anything bad about her. I honestly believe she is a good person in their lives....but who knows what goes on in the minds of a 6 and 4 year old....maybe just the complexities of a such a young mind not being able to make sense of the situation?

I just think both xh and her should respect me as a mum and take things slowly and at dd's pace! I don't want her banning...I'm not that childish!...I'm just an over-protective mum who wants the best for her children and just think everyone should be working at their pace and not trying to force things at an adults pace or way of thinking!

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