DSD negative, issues and always something wrong with her

[penguinparty00]

Name changed for this post, just after some perspective really, teenage DSD has many issues, depression, anxiety, social issues and I'm not sure the root cause as I've not been on the scene long enough to know the background and I'm always accommodating and try and help her if I see her struggle in a situation as she is a lovely girl, however I feel drained whenever she comes to stay as there is always something wrong with her from the minute she arrives, sore knee, sore back, sore finger, sore leg, sore toe etc etc but it's so dramatic like if she has a sore finger she claims oh it's probably dislocated or a sore stomach - some kind of disease. Everything is just so dramatic and negative like if we watch tv and someone has an issue she will chip in with oh you think you have issues try being ... ( insert whatever the scenario is - socially awkward, have head issues have extreme anxiety) everything is focussed around these issues, I know her mum has very similar issues and it's quite obvious she has inherited traits from her with oh I can't work or do this or do that because of all my many issues " poor me party" just after how to deal with it as you say oh are you enjoying your drink for example she will reply my back hurts and because you've heard it 99 times this hour you ignore it and she continues to repeat it until you acknowledge it! Please help it's driving me bonkers !!

[StephenBelafonte]

How old is she

[StephenBelafonte]

I've actuallly got a daughter a bit like this. You could try telling her to stop bloody moaning all the time or the other thing is to do it back to her. So everytime she complains about one of her ailments, complain about one of yours. Try it. It does work. After about the 12th time, they finally click whats happening and they realise that they are going on about their ailments all the time.

[KoalaOok]

Just say ok? Or tell her to let your partner know.

[penguinparty00]

@StephenBelafonte

How old is she

She's 13, it's so frustrating it's like the boy that cried wolf situation! I might try that but to be honest I think she may then see it as a competition.

[StephenBelafonte]

Yes good idea of PP to refer her back to her parents. So every time she says something you could say "oh no. Does your mum/dad know?

[Haberdasheryhen]

How about trying to recognise it for what it is - a physical manifestation of a mental health problem - with hormones on top.

Give her some slack! And by that, I don't mean indulging lies (although she may not see them as lies) about her health, but by distraction, positivity, kindness. And by considering that she doesn't feel happy in herself and the situation she finds herself in. And that these physical issues are an "acceptable" way of her expressing that unhappiness.

As a thirteen year old, she doesn't have much power. Not generally, not at school, not over what caused her parents separation, not over where she needs to be at weekends etc. Physical symptoms are a way of gaining some control over her own life , and from what you have said, it is obviously learned behaviour too.

So try and empower her. Encourage her to take decisions that will make her feel more in control. Could she decorate a room at your house and make all the decisions about it and do a lot of the work herself? Or help her start an extra curricular activity where she will gain confidence and independence and stretch her and get her to do things she thinks she isn't capable of? Or buy her a pet so that she has something she can look after, think about, and take responsibility for, other then herself?

[Haberdasheryhen]

Is her father on top of her my issues btw? Is she receiving help for them at home? Thirteen is very young to have depression or anxiety and as a parent I would be stepping in to get her help. That's not your responsibility as a sp, but I would want to know she was getting the right help.

Please bear in mind that:
20% of adolescents may experience a mental health problem in any given year.
50% of mental health problems are established by age 14
and 75% by age 24.2

Encourage your DH to seek help from Young Minds if her mother isn't doing so.
youngminds.org.uk/

[SpaceshiptoMars]

Can you see any physical evidence of any problems? Any redness, swelling, visible stiffness? If everything hurts, it may be something rheumatic, or food allergy related.

[penguinparty00]

@Haberdasheryhen

How about trying to recognise it for what it is - a physical manifestation of a mental health problem - with hormones on top.

Give her some slack! And by that, I don't mean indulging lies (although she may not see them as lies) about her health, but by distraction, positivity, kindness. And by considering that she doesn't feel happy in herself and the situation she finds herself in. And that these physical issues are an "acceptable" way of her expressing that unhappiness.

As a thirteen year old, she doesn't have much power. Not generally, not at school, not over what caused her parents separation, not over where she needs to be at weekends etc. Physical symptoms are a way of gaining some control over her own life , and from what you have said, it is obviously learned behaviour too.

So try and empower her. Encourage her to take decisions that will make her feel more in control. Could she decorate a room at your house and make all the decisions about it and do a lot of the work herself? Or help her start an extra curricular activity where she will gain confidence and independence and stretch her and get her to do things she thinks she isn't capable of? Or buy her a pet so that she has something she can look after, think about, and take responsibility for, other then herself?

Really Appreciate your advice and of course I'm kind , accepting , and have a good relationship with her I've just come on here because I could never say any of this anywhere else and to understand if this is normal behaviour. I will definitely try and encourage her dad to give her more responsibility and like you say push her out of her comfort zone a bit. Problem is My other half has very little say in her life she is ruled by her mum and if he doesn't agree with something or challenges her the mum will stop contact and tell his daughter what he's said so it's tricky for him, he can only parent when she is here. We have a very calm household where she likes to come to get away so we are trying to show her a different life which isn't chaotic with shouting, screaming and fighting for attention.

[sassbott]

I feel for you. My exp’s youngest DC was like this. The minute everyone was settled / or a conversation was flowing - something would hurt/ be sore etc etc. It was constant. It too was a combination of learned behaviours (attention seeking) and anxiety.

It is very draining to be around, what did I do?
Exactly what PP have suggested. Make soothing sounds and deflect to the parent (my exp). Then I would resume whatever it was the rest of us were doing (it would regularly interrupt other people’s conversations). My exDP would give said child the attention required and bluntly I allowed the wider children’s conversation to continue. I could see it was an attempt to control the situation / focus the attention on her and I refused to let that happen when I was around. On occasions that would result in behaviour escalating at which point I removed myself/ my children from the situation (we’d move rooms or start a new activity).

Behaviours like this (IMO) need the parent to tackle them. At 13 if my children had these issues - they would be getting support. Is the child in any form of counselling?

[sassbott]

I do and don’t agree to the be kind and accepting.

There is absolutely a degree of empathy to be required, but equally, don’t let this behaviour rule the atmosphere of the home for everyone else.
I was always kind and empathetic but I refused to let the attention seeking behaviour set the tone for everyone else.

Interestingly enough on the few occasions I was alone with said child, it never happened. She knew it didn’t cut any mustard with me. When my exp (her dad) was around - it was constant.

[MissSomethingOrOther]

@penguinparty00 I think you've hit the nail on the head with We have a very calm household where she likes to come to get away so we are trying to show her a different life which isn't chaotic with shouting, screaming and fighting for attention.

Your SD's quirks are likely how she strives to gain attention in her mothers house. I imagine feigning illness is a safe way to get her mothers love. A sort of Münchausen syndrome. You don't have the disrupt the apple cart in that you other half needs to annoy the mother. Just begin showing your SD more attention when she does/says positive things, and less attention when she does/says negative things. Giving her the power to make activity choices would be a major thing (difficult under restrictions). She just needs to realise that actually, positivity makes people respond better than negativity. Which seems the opposite in her mothers house.

[KoalaOok]

I completely empathise, it is is tricky when one house is calm and the other is less calm. I think PPs idea of rewarding the positive behaviour and letting her have a choice in activities is a good one. Are there other children involved? (Sorry if you mentioned this and I've missed it). If there are it might be she is feeling at a weird inbetween stage of independence but still wanting to be a little girl. Does your partner spend lots of time with her? It is a tricky age.

[Haberdasheryhen]

I've just come on here because I could never say any of this anywhere else and to understand if this is normal behaviour.

Understood, it just wasn't entirely clear from your post whether your SD has mh issues that need addressing (anxiety and depression) or whether she is being "dramatic and negative" like lots of terns are occasionally. And, genuinely, I think that's an important distinction to make.

It sometimes is hard with teen girls to determine what lies within the boundary of what is "normal" behaviour in the context of raging hormones, and what behaviour needs a bit more attention or help. The book "Untangled" (Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions in to Adulthood) by Lisa Damour is helpful on this.

[Haberdasheryhen]

teens not terns!

[penguinparty00]

@Haberdasheryhen

I've just come on here because I could never say any of this anywhere else and to understand if this is normal behaviour.

Understood, it just wasn't entirely clear from your post whether your SD has mh issues that need addressing (anxiety and depression) or whether she is being "dramatic and negative" like lots of terns are occasionally. And, genuinely, I think that's an important distinction to make.

It sometimes is hard with teen girls to determine what lies within the boundary of what is "normal" behaviour in the context of raging hormones, and what behaviour needs a bit more attention or help. The book "Untangled" (Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions in to Adulthood) by Lisa Damour is helpful on this.

Thank you I'll defiantly suggest to my other half he/ we look at the book, she is doing counselling and has numerous doctors appointments to rule out anything actually the matter but still it's a massive issue even if she has a period it's like she's the only girl in the world to experience this and no one knows what it's like and makes her different to everyone else I remind her most women have them but it's not really acknowledged hers is always different!

[Fireflygal]

Consider if you can live with this (or worse) as don't assume it will get better.

Your bf has a choice in how he deals with this, if he does ignore it, because that is the easier route then it's unlikely to change.

I say this with experience of a would be step daughter who only ever got worse. 18 was much harder than 13. It is draining and impacts your life, also so frustrating as you have to sit back and watch both parents make no progress. The causes of her behaviour can be complex and even with the right help can take years to turnaround. Do you definitely want to live your life like this?

[MajorMujer]

The child is looking for reassurance. My DD was the same as a teenager. I just listened and sympathised then moved the conversation on.

[LatentPhase]

@Fireflygal

Consider if you can live with this (or worse) as don't assume it will get better.

Your bf has a choice in how he deals with this, if he does ignore it, because that is the easier route then it's unlikely to change.

I say this with experience of a would be step daughter who only ever got worse. 18 was much harder than 13. It is draining and impacts your life, also so frustrating as you have to sit back and watch both parents make no progress. The causes of her behaviour can be complex and even with the right help can take years to turnaround. Do you definitely want to live your life like this?

Completely echo this. Sounds like my would-be step daughter who has remained the same from age 15 and soon turns 20. She’s insufferable. Think carefully about how much you’re prepared to invest, emotionally. If both parents bury their head in the sand things may never change.