Mums' Opinions Please

[Malone98]

I am having a bit of trouble with the Mum of my DSD, who is 8. Nothing major, but she has decided that she doesn't like me, and is making this clear to DSD.

My question is, as a Mum, would you appreciate it if your ex's partner approached you so you could chat about issues and try to establish an amicable relationship? I have told my DP that I would be willing to have coffee with his DD's Mum so that we can get to know each other and she can talk to me about insecurities or other issues that she feels need to be addressed.

I would add that she has her own partner, who gets called 'Daddy' by my DSD (despite my DP requesting that she does not call him Daddy'). I feel her dislike for me is unjust, as I do not try to overstep my place, do not insist on being part of every weekend or event with my DSD, and my DSD really seems to like me.

From a Mum's perspective, how could I reassure you that I am not trying to take your place?

(For context, I am not the other woman. I met my DP long after he had split from his ex (she was already with her partner). I do not have children of my own. My DP waited a year before introducing me to DSD, and we've been together 2.5 years).

Constructive replies appreciated! xx

[OoooImBlindedByTheLight]

I have a thread on here at the moment about the mother of my SCs having an irrational dislike of me too. I can’t offer any advice unfortunately, but I empathise with you.

Hopefully things will get better in time

[MeridianB]

Can you give any examples of how she is showing this to DSD/you?

Presumably you get on well with DSD? For some parents, i can imagine it might be hard to hear your child being excited about your ex’s new partner.

Of course some like to have an axe to grind.

The grown up thing is to offer to meet but I’d hold off on this until you know more about what might be causing this and whether such an offer might be well-received. It could trigger the opposite effect.

[Malone98]

@OoooImBlindedByTheLight Thank you. Fingers crossed!

@MeridianB Early on she told DSD that she 'wasn't allowed a stepmum'. Neither myself nor DP had ever suggested to DSD that I was her stepmother, I was, and still am, 'daddy's girlfriend'. Subsequently, she's told DSD that I am an alcoholic, which I am not! This was because once in the 1.5 years DSD has known me, DP asked her Mum if she could be dropped to him at a pub restaurant, where we were celebrating a birthday. She'll also send DSD to us with questions about me (DSD will readily admit 'mummy wants to know...'). She'll then twist the answers into another negative. For example, since the lockdown I've been living with my DP. He video calls DSD regularly, but hasn't seen her as her Mum keeps getting symptoms. I never butt in on the calls, as she is his daughter (I've only participated when DSD has expressly asked). She told me she loved me in front of her Mum on one video call, and looked so anxious afterwards and kept glancing at her Mum to make sure she wasn't in trouble.

To be honest, the comments are so insignificant that I can't remember most of them, but it is evident she has taken a dislike towards me.

I actually think she seems like a nice person; I've never had an issue her, and whilst she and my DP didn't last, I believe it was just because they were different people. There's no negativity from my DP towards her. They are friendly towards each other and when drop offs and pick ups occur, they will chat for a few minutes (about DSD and what they have been up to, etc.).

Thank you for the advice on holding off on asking to meet. The sad bit is I reckon she's the sort of woman I'd be friends with, and I'd much rather we could get along than be bitter towards each other!

[MeridianB]

It sounds bit strange and I can see it’s frustrating. I would definitely wait to see if settles down. I would give very vague, upbeat answers to any personal questions. Don’t feel you have to share information that is being sought by proxy.

[Annaminna]

As a divorced mum i found infuriated that the new partner tried to constantly be involved with everything from first day she saw our children. She was buying presents and making cards and sending cakes and so on. Just overbearing and tiring. Yes, She was aware that if she will not have a good relationship with our kids my ex might withdraw. He is putting his kids first. But everything was fine, children liked her and she still over did everything. She was like a tornado.
The last straw was when she sent me messenger text telling me that she wants us to become friends, lets go for a coffee and have a girls talk. That was the point I had to tell to my ex to get her under control and she must leave me alone. Buy gifts and bake cakes but for children and I would like to live my life without her interruption.

[CottonEaster]

I had to tell to my ex to get her under control



Speechless!

[BilboBercow]

Get her under control?! Jeezo she actually sounds really nice.

[CottonEaster]

OP, I think if you imagine your dsd's mum to be along the lines of annaminna you'll realise you're wasting your time.

Forget the mother and focus on your DP and dsd. They're the ones who matter. Otherwise, heaven forbid, someone might have to tell your dp to get you under control!

[Annaminna]

Oh, she is very nice. Just very desperate to please and pushy.
It was 5 years ago. After my conversation with my ex, she backed off enough so we were able to start properly. First I wanted to see that they will make something stable. I really don't want to make friends with every woman he sleeps with for 6 - 7 months.
Our situation was different compared to OP. I had no bad feelings towards that woman. After they moved in and lived together for a year, I was the one who started to call her their step mum. I don't think my children ever did, they always called her by name.
I never befriended her but we are friendly when its children's birthday or school events. We chat, we laugh and we apart friendly.
We got divorced because we did not want to have blended lives. That means I don't try to befriend his friends. We are living separate lives after divorce. Not every mother can move on. They are trying to be on control what happens with they ex and his home life after separation. I am not that sort of mum.
If Op is dealing with a woman who has that need to have control over his ex's new life, then she might appreciate if new girlfriend asks for meet up. She might want to hear promises to be obedient and that GF is asking for guidelines how to be a partner to her ex husband.
Depends who is the person you are dealing with.

[happinessischocolate]

My ex has had numerous girlfriends since we split up 15 years ago, some I like some I don't. It is the pushy ones that try to be the perfect step mum, and my best mate that I like the least, but sometimes it's just I simply don't get on with them.

Just chill out, who cares if she doesn't like you, as long as you get on with the dc, as a pp said just be vague in your answers when questioned and forget about her. The more you try to make her like you, the more desperate and annoying you'll appear.

[peonyfairy03]

I’m in the same situation my DH ex is a nightmare and makes my life hell and it is impacting now on our marriage as he is helpless in doing anything. Any time he confronts her she just says well I know what I know or I’m believing my daughter. This is a child who will lie and say stuff just to get attention from mum. I’ve backed off completely and distance myself because it’s the only way to protect me.

[Tinyhumansurvivalist]

Op you sound so lovely and really considerate of the whole situation.

I was a step mum for years. I have split with ex but I still see his kids, they still view me as their step mum and they will always be my step kids. They are my dds siblings and I adore them.

However, their mum hated me for most of the time I was with their dad. Ironically she loves me now we have split up. I wasn't the ow. She cheated on my ex and then kicked him out. We got together about a year later.

There is no right or wrong answer. I did as you have suggested, I met with their mum, we chatted, it made life easier when we first got together and I first met the kids. She was fantastic as a support all through my pregnancy with dd. Really helpful in fact.

The issues started when my mil died. she never went bear my mil from the day her and my ex split. At the funeral I stayed in the background with dd, but the kids were very upset, they made a bee line for me for hugs and I think it touched a nerve. She isn't a huggy or overtly affectionate person where as I am and I guess the kids needed that affection. She took exception to the fact they turned to me and my parents for support and not to her. She chose not to stay for the wake but the kids demanded they were staying (10 & nearly 8 so knew their minds!) their dad agreed and they spent the whole time glued to me and dd. Ever since she went out of her way to be vile to and about me.

Ultimately my ex's refusal to deal with her and sort it was one of the big reasons we split. He would always put her feelings ahead of mine.

I don't know why us splitting up means she suddenly likes me again, but I suspect my ex blamed me for a lot of things around him being a shitty dad in the same way he baked her to me. For example all the times he would "get told" he had to have the kids at the last minute, the times she demanded I change my plans because the kids needed looking after... I fully expect that rather than tell her he had forgotten he told her I was refusing. Now neither of us is a scapegoat for him we are both seeing the crap he pulls.

Stay strong. I'm not saying that your situation is the same but there is usually a reason for it and you don't know what it is yet. Talking to her might help... But I would perhaps start on neutral territory with a coffee and don't expect too much