Should I limit messages?

[whatthehelldowecare]

Context: DSD 10, been with her dad for 5 years and we're getting married this year. Do, and always have got on very well and no real issues in terms of her mum, relationship generally very positive. We have her Sunday - Tuesday each week.

The issues is that DSD got a phone for Christmas - her first and both us and her mum and her mums new partner have made efforts to make sure she doesn't spend too much time on it. It's worked to an extent, although she is slowly turning into that kid that can't put her phone down, but that's not the issue really.

It's that she texts me all the time from the minute she gets up, until the minute she goes to bed when she's not with us (except in school time). Not constant replies, but just messaging back and forth throughout the day. Just general chit chat, sends some funny pictures, talking about our day. It's been really lovely and until now I haven't really thought much of it.

Her mum has now text my dp to say that she's really unhappy with how much time she's spending on her phone and asking us both to make sure it's limited when she's with us. No mention of me, and I don't think it's a subtle hint or anything, but just a wider observation.

I'm aware that the vast majority of the time she's on her phone, she must be texting me. I have no problem with her messaging me, infact I quite enjoy her chat, but would it be sensible to take a step back?

I don't think for a second that it's only me she's texting, it'll be her friends too - so me stopping won't really provide a solution, just make her think i don't want to chat with her!

Thoughts?

[Popetthetreehugger]

Being as you all rub along ok , couldn't you have a coffee together and her parents explain their thinking ,with you and mums DP backing up what they say ? I wouldn't just stop replying with out explaining. So good to hear you have such a positive relationship with her 😊

[TriangleBingoBongo]

Just limit your messages.

[Quartz2208]

How long is she on her phone for though. You make it sound constant. Agreeing a screen limit between you that is sensible (and indeed quite normal) makes sense. Certainly at dinner time and an hour before bed.

And dial back the messages slightly you do not need to be in constant messaging with a 10 year old

[AnneLovesGilbert]

The parents should agreed rules on screen time/phone access, she’s obviously overwhelmed with the novelty and independence and getting hooked. Who wouldn’t. She’s 10 and needs clear boundaries. When you know what’s been decided, don’t reply if she messages outside of that time and think her mum doesn’t know she’s got her phone. Be consistent in your own home. A message or brief chat of an evening is fine but she sees plenty of both sets of parents and she doesn’t need to be in touch with you constantly. You wouldn’t be thrilled if she was staring at her phone texting her mum while she’s at yours.

[doritosdip]

You need to find a medium between ignoring her messages and texting back each time. You might need tactical "off to a meeting now" sort of excuses to keep the conversation short or a fixed time slot for replying to messages

Have you considered a group chat so you or her Dad can reply to her messages? So instead of replying to you both individually she will be texting half as much to you two?

[Greendayz]

I'd use it as an excuse to model how to own a phone without messaging constantly. So just take you time to reply some of the time. If you're using FB messenger or some other platform that lets get know when you've read the message then find out how to cover that up (there's a way of marking messages as unread when in fact they are) or simply don't read her messages straight away. And yes, tell her you're off into a meeting or about to meet a friend for lunch (things that are most similar to what she might do in her own life are probably best) and therefore will be offline for a bit. And if you're aware what she's up to at the time she's messaging encourage her to put her phone down and join in if it's something that would benefit from her full attention.

[kitk]

Suggest mum gets the google family link app- it allows you to limit time on apps and turn off remotely if the child isn't following rules

[Londongirl07]

I’m going to be honest here I think the mum May be jealous that her child is texting you a lot? I’m not gonna lie I got a bit upset when I saw my son was texting his fathers partner at times but I realised I shouldn’t be upset and I’m so glad he has a good relationship with her and she responds back. If you don’t respond back then the daughter may feel rejected.

Maybe to try cut it down say you’re so busy with work but you’ll text later then try to cut it more and more.

It’s just a novelty thing; she will grow out of it. My son texts me random pics etc and things he thinks is funny.

[florababy84]

When she's with her Mum, the amount of texting whether to you or anyone else is her Mum's responsibility not yours. You could just not reply as much but it's still her Mum's jurisdiction.

I don't think that her texting you is necessarily going to be the reason she's on it so much.

[FranCess003]

If you enjoy speaking to her , and she enjoys texting you then I would continue to do as youre doing. If her mum enforces a limit for screen time as her decisions , she won’t message you.... simple as that really

I think it’s lovely you have that relationship with your step daughter and she obviously thinks of you.
it’s how kids communicate nowadays, if you enjoy speaking with her and it’s not “too much” from your point of view then continue with this positive relationship. It’s all about the children isn’t it ? If you stop replying or talk to her and say you can’t message me so much, she may feel rejected !

She’ll be a teenager soon anyway and you’ll be lucky to get one worded response !