Passive parenting....

[inmyshoos]

I'm not sure this is the right place to post as I'm not actually a step parent as such. But I have a long term partner who has dc and we sometimes as pend time together with my dc.

Recently his dd12 has been quite unkind to my dd11 and a few incidents of being extremely rude to her df... Telling him to f off...

Dp has spoken to her and asked her to do the right thing, apologise etc but nothing and I find it so upsetting. Never any consequences for pretty hideous behaviour and dp has quite significant mh issues so the stress of this impacts on him greatly.

I feel like I'm at watching a car crash...

Anyone have any advice... Keep my opinions to myself? Leave him to it and just protect my own dc...

[HillAreas]

Don’t wait for him to intervene. If a child is mistreating your child, you have a right to get involved to put a stop to it. It doesn’t matter whose child it is, she doesn’t get to just carry like that.
If your DP chooses to allow his child to speak to him like shit, well that’s his look out and he’s setting himself up for a world of pain as she gets older. That’s not your problem.
I would, however, be telling him to keep his unpleasant child to himself unless he’s going to start actually parenting her, in which case he will have your full support.

[LatentPhase]

Stop mixing the dc. Keep your relationship separate, if you want. Or pull the plug on the whole thing.

Those are your options, really.

[Whynosnowyet]

Advice would be to walk away. Parenting on different pages won't be feasible long term
Quit now before you are more invested.
Ime.

[inmyshoos]

I'm already invested. I love him. I'm not walking away.
I have stopped the dc mixing. I know how to protect and parent my dc. My dd11 came to me and told me everything and I'm proud of how she handled it. Dp also saylt my dd down and apologised to her for his dds behaviour and told her he was proud of her for telling me.

We don't live together so can keep them apart. It's just not ideal.

I don't leave him to sort it either, I absolutely sort it because I'm in charge of my dc, his are his... But watching it is painful.

He didn't break up the marriage but I have no doubt his mh stuff will have impacted on his dc and the relationship between the parents was not good

[HeckyPeck]

Leave him to it and just protect my own dc

That’s your only option really. His daughter won’t get better so long as he isn’t parenting her - she’ll only get worse.

Keep doing what your doing in staying away from his daughter & just enjoy the time with him/ him, you and your DD when you get it.

[Whynosnowyet]

Invested but accepting you can't ever live together?

[inmyshoos]

whyno his dc will grow up... 2 already have. We have no immediate plans to live together and can always wait until they do if the issue continues. Its not my job to parent her and ultimately its up to dp to makes the decision as to how he parents.
I know he sees that I parent differently and has made positive comments about how polite and friendly my dc are. He is not stupid. He can see what's going on. But his dd is tricky. She's a fiesty one.

It has been resolved for the moment. Long may the peace continue

[Whynosnowyet]

She may grow up but not change.... Just a bigger scale of awfulness.

[inmyshoos]

whyno yeah I hear what you are saying but she'll be an adult. Completely different to a child. And also my dc will be adults then too.
We love each other. I'm not going to give up because a 12 yo kicks off.

[HeckyPeck]

Don’t read any of the posts on here from stepmums with adult stepkids who’s father let’s them live with them permanently with no expectations of paying their way/housework/treating others with respect.

It’s scary & hopefully not a glimpse into the future 😱