Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[peonyfairy03]

I have posted before but it seems whatever I do is wrong.

I have 2DC 15,12 from previous relationship DH has 3 DC two live away come holidays one DD 9 comes EOW.

So my problem is not with SD but with her mother DH has never been in a relationship with her never lived with her she was a ONS who got pregnant.

So when DSD comes we try to do things as a family all together be it a walk or trampoline park cinema or bake ect. But this seems to be thrown back in my face and issues arise that her mother texts DH saying I need to back off I’m not her mum ect. Then he had a text saying DSD don’t want to come anymore because she never gets time with her dad I’m always there my children are there despite it being their home. So I have backed off and DH spend time with his DD taking her out playing games ect just her while I’m taking my two to various places ect or doing things with them nothing major just walk or helping with homework. Now this is being thrown back at me her mother is texting DH saying I’m leaving her out doing stuff with my children with out her DD.

I really don’t know what to do seems I’m damned if I do damned if I don’t. DH is at a loss and seems to not stand up to DSD mum because she then causes more issues like accusing me of abuse or unfit to be around her daughter.

I really don’t know what to do anymore or how to handle it and I’m now starting to dread the weekends she comes because of the backlash I get. Take tonight he dropped her back at 6.00 by 6.30 he had a text saying it was unfair I didn’t take Her DD to the vets Friday night and she felt left out! It seems she questions DSD and jumps on anything ounce of information whether it’s correct or not.

Any advice would be appreciated as it’s really wearing me down and not once do I ever make my DSD feel unwelcome I treat her the same as my two.

[peonyfairy03]

The reason she didn’t come to the vets was I went straight from work and DH wasn’t back with DSD because her mother was late as they decided to go grocery shopping after school despite DH picking her up at 3.30 ended up not picking her up until 4.45. Vets was booked at 4

[JanusLooksBothWays]

Whatever you do the deranged mother will find fault with so stop worrying about her. Just do what you, DH and DSD want to do. If the mother kicks off ignore.

DH needs to grow a pair.

[Honeyroar]

I think you have to (as a family or perhaps your husband on his own) speak to your step daughter and ask her what she wants to do, spend time with her dad alone or hang out with everyone. You could have a big friendly family tea when she arrived and plan what is going on for the weekend and see who wants to do what. Keep telling her that you all love it when she’s here, keep her feeling welcome. Then ignore 99% of the texts from the ex.

[peonyfairy03]

Thank you we do talk about plans on a Friday and what everyone is up-to and doing she always wants to be with us. Lately she withdraws from the room if it’s just me m sure her mum is saying stuff and making her feel guilty. DH says when he picks up mum is always saying look after her she’s all I have if anything happens I have nothing. The one time he did stand up to her I had the police turn up at my work saying there had been an allegation of abuse (hitting locking in cupboard leaving out in the rain) then it was all dropped. So I am very wary now of things.

[blackcat86]

Given there have been allegations you need to take a big step back for the safety of you and your children. This will start to wear you all down and take a huge emotional toil where you're walking on egg shells. Ultimately your role is to support DH in your relationship with his child. He needs to stop relaying all this info to you when he's getting ranty texts and just deal with it. He needs to tell his ex is unacceptable and wont be tolerated. Dancing to her tune just makes it worse and you'll never win. I mean why the fuck would a trip to the vets be a family outing? We had issues with DHs ex when DSS stayed initially so I've disengaged from all communication, planning and care. I'm welcoming, I'm polite, I provide a nice play to live/stay (we live in my house) and get his favourite food in but I now refuse to be involved in planning activities, buying gifts etc because if I'm in my own home I'm interfering and if I'm out I apparently dont care. The moment I disengaged the emotional blackmail stopped because ex didnt get the reaction she wanted anymore.

[blackcat86]

Typo - his relationship with his child!

[peonyfairy03]

I think you are right blackcat that is what I need to do. I will tell DH I don’t want to hear from her or when she texts. He is just as frustrated me with her and seem at a loss what to do.

[SandyY2K]

Tbh...if those allegations were made against me I'd keep my distance from the child and make it clear why.

[user1493413286]

I would be telling DH that you both need to ignore the messages from her mum and focus more on working out what your DSD wants. It sounds like she is quizzed about the weekend and will provide something to her mum to complain about to keep her mum happy even if she isn’t actually bothered about it so what you hear from the ex isn’t a clear reflection of her feelings. Tell him to reply to her mum something bland like ok we’ll take that on board for next time, he can’t be criticised for that but it also won’t feed into her need for drama.
Then when you have your DSD make sure she has some time with her dad, maybe every few weekends and get her input into plans for the weekend. You need to both practice letting texts like that flow over you; it’s hard and takes time but it’s one of the ways I can manage my DHs ex and not let it effect the time we spend with DSD.

[ColaFreezePop]

You need to have a discussion with your DP.

The most important thing you need to get across is your children have a right to have a family life with out his ex's interference whether his daughter is present or not. His ex doesn't have parental responsibility for your children so why is she trying to micromanage them?

Tell your DP he is not to show or discuss the messages with you. You don't have parental responsibility for the child so why is he showing you the messages? It is up to him to either give his ex a bland response or simply not reply.

Then discuss how you are going to deal with his daughter going forward. Make it clear to him that you will take your lead from him, and you will support him if he feels she wants time alone with him or she wants to be with you.

[Annaminna]

Ok. I took time to think should I reply.
Lets give a try. My partners DC is from an ONS too.
I felt similar like you described for first 9 moths or so. What ever I did, it was wrong.
My OH got those messages from BM and we tried to not upset her but it was impossible. So then he decided to start ignoring them. That was the fist step. She had to realize that we will not react.
We were lucky that she did not get a police involved. She is fairly intelligent I know that openly lying will be a bad publicity for her. (She wants to sell herself as a yoga ambassador and a school governor so she can not let anyone see police around her life). Endless verbal abuse was daily. When my OH stopped reacting, responding- those messages decreased to only one per every time when child was dropped off (She don't do any pick ups or drop offs ever).
Not reacting to any of those messages helped both of us to feel better. Its like ignoring someone shouting abuse to audience in a tv-program: you saw it but you don't respond.
My OH is intelligent too. Most of times he did not rush to tell me what did she write. He was protecting my feelings and I am very grateful for that. He told me that its his mistake from his past and he will deal with it and hes job is to try to protect me from paying for his mistakes.

You guys should try to build a protective wall around you two. You should be a team against the abuser not trying to run and hide and tip-toe.
She can not call police endlessly. With every false allegation she will be more known in police records. She might get in trouble by herself doing so. Second false allegation and you will get restraining order against her. That will make your life better as well.
I feel so sorry for that little girl! She must feel same as you: What ever she does, its wrong and her mum will be upset with her or with dad and you. She must feel horrible and devastated in this situation. Only 9 years old and already have to take those interrogations from her own mother!
Just protect yourself. Its difficult, but you might ask for professional help: Solicitors, Family centers, Citizens advice bureau even your GP.
Stay strong and stay sane!

[Whynosnowyet]

When I had a dsd her dm went mad we had booked a week end away without dd. So we reorganised it.
Then she said it wasn't fair for dd to have a holiday without her!!
We went without her in the end.
Explain kindly to dsd that life does go on when she isn't there but you are happy to include her if she wants but you won't be taking instructions from her dm as it isn't her house.