Feeling disheartened.

[babygoose48]

A bit of background. I have DD who is 8, my partner's DD is 6. My partner moved in to ours in January, and only has custody 5/14 days of his DD.

I'm really struggling with my partners DD at the moment concerning her behaviour.

It's been quite difficult from the onset - I don't like to say the word 'brat' but her behaviour can be very deliberate and 'bratty' at times. It seems at the moment the problem is that she cannot seem to handle when she can't get her own way - even if it's something really small. Eating her tea, brushing her teeth, getting dressed anything. A lot of the time she is fine doing these tasks, but she makes is clear it is only when she choses to. She will take her time with everything (it is not uncommon for her to take up to an hour, sometimes more, eating a piece of toast or a small meal) and if you push her or remind her to continue eating or hurry up with her food she will flat our refuse to eat - she does not like being told what to do. We are often late for things and rushing around last minute because of how she can be.

Her teeth are full of fillings it's heartbreaking. More than not she will refuse to do her teeth because she 'doesn't want to' and after ten or so minutes of trying to reason with her he has to resort to physically making her - she will go floppy and clamp her mouth down
its that much of a fight. Other times she will just do it herself with our assistance like she enjoys it - it's hard to get her to stop sometimes!! It makes me think that we are dealing with more of an issue with compliance here, she is deliberately naughty and difficult. Nethertheless, we make sure she has clean teeth every morning and night no matter what we have to do. We have made the decision that she needs more structure in her life regarding rules so at the
moment we are being very stern and 'our say is the final say.' My partner has been soft in the past with her because he doesn't see her as much as he wants to (court agreement), but hes getting better at laying down the rules. Anyway - But from the state of her teeth shes getting away with not doing elsewhere.

The background with her Mother, is seemily and more proving as time goes on - a 'I can't deal with the arguing so I will get what I want' situation. I wont go in to too much details about this as there is only so much I can say.

Partners DD has a total meltdown when she cannot get her own way.

Last night my partner made her tea, and she had an immediate tantrum because there was peas on her plate. She didn't want the peas. He softened and said, you don't have to eat the peas just eat everything else on there. She screamed at him to take the peas off the plate - and he refused. The tantrum went on for a good part of 40 minutes 'I am not eating this until YOU take the peas off the plate',
'You have made me very angry', 'it was a good day until you ruined it by not doing as I say' 'you are upsetting me because you are not doing as I say!' a lot of punching the couch, screaming, threatening to slam the kitchen door at one point. I try as much as I can to let him deal with the situation, but for anything I find unacceptable I will tell her out right. Last night after trying to reason with her, which is always our first tactic rather than losing patience, she screamed and I told her sternly that it is unacceptable to scream in the house. She stormed in the kitchen and grabbed the handle to slam it, I got the door and said to her 'we do not slam doors in this house'.

I suggested to my partner to maybe change tactics and bring a plate of just peas in for her and see her reaction (which we both knew wouldn't be pretty but it used to work with my DD when she was a toddler) then ask if she would eat her tea if we brought the plate back in. She screamed and refused again until we did as she asked and took the peas off. Eventually my partner lost his usual calm approach and took her upstairs. After 10 minutes of arguing and shouting her told her that she would be going to bed without any tea (it was about 7pm by this point). She kicked and screamed again and tried to leave the room. He closes the door and holds the handle whilst she was fighting against the door, and I consoled him as he broke down in tears as he does regularly when he feels like he's not doing enough of a good job with her. It guts me to see him like that.

She eventually finishes her tea, it was bedtime for both the girls by this point. The cue a massive tantrum again as we explain to her that it is now bedtime and she can't watch tv.

We had more tears when they finally settled in bed.
Then again when she got out of bed twice upset because 'she cant breathe through her nose properly'.
The thing is, when she spends a weekend with us, we get to the point where her behaviours excellent, shes finally getting used to the rules we lay down in the house and she will do simple tasks without (much) issue. But then she's back at her mums for a week and she comes home and its back to square one - wanting her own way, not accepting when we tell her otherwise.

This morning after she had her breakfast in front of her for over half an hour, we had 20 minutes to leave the house. My DD got her toothbrush and started brushing but partners DD just stood there. After multiple times of coming in to the bathroom and telling her to start brushing she said 'I'm still chewing my breakfast' (she wasn't, and started pretending to chew). With a smirk on her face - she 100% knew what she was doing.

I absolutely just lost my patience and give up with her. I went down and told him to deal with it. Im not usually snappy, im quite a patient person but I think the previous nights dramas and seeing him breaking down like that got to me. I got my DD to school the last second before her class went in AGAIN. same story every week.

She can be so ignorant at times too and again, its clear to me that it is through choice to her. Pretending not to hear so she can get away with 'playing dumb' in certain situations. Otherwise she is a lovely child who obviously is confused about sharing two different homes that's why I am trying my best to bite my tongue and be patient with her, but the majority of her behaviour is deliberate and Im finding it difficult. I of course see this more than he does, as its his child at the end of the day. he said he feels sorry for her and guilty because hes not there all the time. Hes a great dad who would do anything for her but There is a lot of conflict with her mum towards him and she has made his life and ours very difficult. She will do everything she can to avoid any sort of communication with him, even if it concerns her child, so speaking to her about his DD's behaviour is out of the question.

We all said goodbye this morning and I went to give her a hug and got ignored, she walked off. I thought to myself 'I wont force it'. My partner asked if she'd given me a hug and I just said to him 'she doesn't want to'. He half snapped and went 'she does want to, she was just excited to say goodbye to my DD'.

I've spent today feeling disheartened and defeated and teary today over it all. I don't even know what I want from this post, advice, reassurance, just to rant? I don't know, I just had to get it all down.

[MellowBird85]

Oo dear me, what a little madam! I could feel your pain as I was reading this post OP and you really do have my sympathy. That sounds so utterly awful and frustrating. It does sound like all your hard work is going to pot when she goes back to her mums. But it sounds like you’re trying your best to be patient and tackle the behaviour appropriately. Do you praise her when (if) she does something well? What about one on one time with her dad or you?

[disconnecteddrifter]

I dont really know what to advise but I have one like that although shes got better as shes got older. Its heart breaking and frustrating. I left my partner to deal with her. I didn't delay my routine and sometimes he had to take her to school later, or miss a train on a day out etc. It gradually got better.
My partner dealt with it by just calmly insisting and go through with consequences which were due to her will fullness. ie if she was late to brush teeth she was late for day oit/ school etc. Really tried not to shout although sometimes he did and then felt guilty.

[Windydaysuponus]

The best day of life with my exh was knowing I never had to deal with a similar dd.
Head +brick wall op.
You need to decide if this is the life you want your dd to be in...
Her living by acceptable boundaries while Little Miss Bratty Pants isn't will be unfair ime...

[Cherrypicker01]

Thank you so much for your response. Yeah we do praise her and make a point of good behaviour, and she seems happy enough when we do so. My DD is very patient and compassionate with her, she saw how frustrated we was last night and came in both to myself and my partner separately and gave us each a hug and said sorry on behalf of her. I’ve never really had this situation myself with me and my DD as she has understood from a very early age that my rules are there to protect her and for her wellbeing, so even though she huffs and has an attitude sometimes she will still do as she’s asked. This is brand new for me.

It’s difficult as well because I can increasingly see her mother in her. My partner was very submissive with his ex as she was also very ‘get my own way or else’ and controlling. You can see it’s reflected in the way he worries and panicks about saying or doing the wrong thing with me sometimes, he will literally jump through hoops to please me, I have to constantly reassure him that he’s done nothing wrong. It’s all very sad he’s had it bad in the past. The last thing I want is for his DD to pick up horrible and nasty behaviour and turn out for the worst, and for me to start feeling resentment. She has an elder child who is extremely difficult in the same way and of course this doesn’t help as they look up to their siblings don’t they



As for one to one time, not so much only when one of us is working late she will be with the other for an hour or so. We’re very much family orientated and do everything together. Even my daughters swimming lesson we all go as a family. We have given both the girls the option in the past to have a one to one time but they love being together. The only exception of this is with me and my daughter we will have a girlie date without my partner about once a month. Maybe it would help him spending that one on one time?

I feel like one on one time with just me and her at the moment would be potentially be taking away that limited time she has with her dad.

[Cherrypicker01]

I have thought about leaving him too it and ‘disconnecting’ but he seems to really struggle. He’s told me he’s grateful for my input and the help I offer with her (he’s the same with my DD he treats her like his own), I don’t think I could bare to leave him to it knowing he’s struggling with the pressure whilst me and my DD are happy and calm and getting to places on time

[Cherrypicker01]

Sorry I changed my username before I’f anyone is confused!

[IfYouWannaComeBack]

My DP’s youngest is similar. I’ve just walk off when she’s like that and physically remove my own children from the room if she’s in there screaming, throwing a tantrum etc. My SD is 10 years old so I find it bizarre she’s behaving this way at such an age.
I used to do what you’re doing, I tried to help, pitied my partner, would try and get involved.
I don’t anymore.
For my own sanity I never have her without my DP there and I don’t get involved. I do all the normal stuff like cook dinner for everyone and run her bath etc just like I do with mine, but beyond that I leave it all to DP.

Last time she kicked off I put my kids in the car and drove off to the park... cue tears and upset from SD and my partner... but I calmly said to both of them “We don’t want to be here when you’re screaming and fighting. We don’t want to be part of it”.
We were gone for 3 hours and I turned my phone off.

I think I’m going to do that every time it happens now. My DP will get the message that he needs to deal with it appropriately and SD will realise that acting like a brat gets her nowhere, in fact she’ll be missing out as we’ll leave for the day to do something nice.

Im at the end of my tether with it. This is the last resort for me, if it doesn’t work then I’ll be forced to make them both leave. I’m not ruining my children’s childhoods to appease my partner’s kid.

[MellowBird85]

@IfYouWannaComeBack wow I salute you, that sounds like the perfect way to deal with it. It’s such a shame some kids wreak such havoc isn’t it. 10 years old....smh.

[Cherrypicker01]

I suppose it would be so easy for me to just say I’m detatching and keep it all separate but she’s not just my partners kid to me. She’s family. I love him so much I want to be 110% there for him completely and that includes his child too.

I spoke to him last night and was honest about how upset I’ve been over it all. I think he’s just as gutted about it all as I am. He didn’t ask for this situation with her and he feels like he’s losing his child.

It’s clear to me that she’s being fed all sorts at her mothers house which is upsetting. I’ve had her come up to me before and say “my mum said that you are a nasty person”.

I’ve said “well do you think I am a nasty person?”

And she has said no. And I’ve said “well that’s all that matters then.”

I really hope she doesn’t turn on me and sees me as an enemy

[IfYouWannaComeBack]

but she’s not just my partners kid to me. She’s family. I love him so much I want to be 110% there for him completely and that includes his child too
Again... I felt like that too. But she’s not your child and you have a child who needs you to protect her from this situation. If you’re exasperated, I don’t doubt your DD is too.
You can support your DP without exposing your child to it. Kids like your SD seem to consume the whole family and command the most attention and time, which means when she’s there if you’re trying to parent your DP’s child then your own child is likely not getting the attention and input she needs and deserves. Think about that.

My youngest SD takes over the whole house and changes the atmosphere when she behaves like your DP’s child does. It’s exhausting and after 6 years I now just leave when she’s acting like that. My DCs are relieved and so is older SD who often comes with us.

I know you want to help but it’s not working and your not the parent, which means you can disengage a bit more for your own sanity and the sake of your own child.
Disengagement doesn’t mean ignoring, being uncaring or not spending time with her... I am lovely to my SD. However, it means I disengage from disciplining her or trying to appease her during her tantrums. I tried for 5 1/2 years and it didn’t work so I made the conscious decision to walk away when she behaves like that.
As my mum says... “you can’t reason with unreasonable”, so I don’t try to any more

[SusanJohnson]

I am sorry for your terrible predicament but maybe she is pushing what she can get away with.I would never have behaved in this way towards my parents as I knew the consequences would have been a very hard smacked bottom and sent straight to bed, and it wouldn't have mattered who was in the room at the time to witness my awfully embarrassing situation.But it taught me there were consequences for my actions

[IfYouWannaComeBack]

@SusanJohnson I totally agree with you. My kids wouldn’t get away with it and I definitely think SCs are pandered to a lot of the time by their parents because of misplaced guilt.
I wouldn’t hesitate to discipline my own children but you just can’t do the same with your SCs because you’re not the parent.
It’s the hardest part of being a stepparent... the expectation to treat them the same as your own DC but when you do you’re made to feel it isn’t your place to discipline etc.

Honestly OP, is it worth the hassle?

[SandyY2K]

@IfYouWannaComeBack

I like your approach. 10 yo is old enough to not behave like that.

It's done for attention, so ignoring is best thing to do.

When they get ignored, the tears are pointless.

In fact when my DD was younger and misbehaved, I sent her to her room and if DH was in, I took older DD out to her cousin's and younger one missed out.

[ShippingNews]

Just regarding the " peas on the plate" tantrum....my sister is 62 and has always had a phobia about certain foods, peas being one. She also won't eat from a plate which has peas on it. Some people are just adverse to certain foods , maybe she is one.

Save yourself the grief - you won't win this battle. Give her a plate and let her serve herself , or ask what she wants and just give her that. No point battling over food , on top of everything else.

[HeckyPeck]

My youngest SD takes over the whole house and changes the atmosphere when she behaves like your DP’s child does. It’s exhausting and after 6 years I now just leave when she’s acting like that. My DCs are relieved and so is older SD who often comes with us.

I think this is the best thing to do. Also don’t make you/your daughter late if she’s faffing around. That’s not fair on either of you.

I wouldn’t get involved with disciplining OP. All that will happen is she will resent you in a way she won’t her father.

Taking a big step back will make you feel so much better about it all and also make you a better step parent.

I’ll be honest I read your thread and thought “run for the hills!”

[Cherrypicker01]

She doesn’t have a food aversion I’m certain of that. She ate peas on her plate the week before, she was just being demanding.

[IfYouWannaComeBack]

@SandyY2K I agree... my own DCs (not DPs, also from a “broken home”) are 6 & 9 and don’t behave like that and never have.
Her behaviour resemble a toddler tantrum, it’s shocking to see in a child of her age.

[SunMoonRainShine]

Have you tried rewards? My SD is very similar but responds really well to rewards (e.g. brush your teeth morning and evening with no fuss and you get a magazine on Sunday)

[Suppertimelove]

Poor little one she sounds like she’s in a lot of distress - you have identified teeth cleaning as
One flash point - can you talk to her when she’s calm and give her a reward chart with a treat for bricking her teeth nicely - physically forcing her sounds horrific for everyone involved - you can get a toothbrush with an app - make it more fun for her.

[Witchydearest]

She’s controlling. I wonder what her behaviour is like at school? You should ask then you’ll have an idea what she’s choosing to do and act accordingly. However I would run very fast as she sounds like a nightmare SC and it sounds very to familiar to me.

[Cherrypicker01]

We have tried making things more fun regarding the teeth brushing. She has gone through two different types of toothbrushes and THREE different toothpastes.

I think rewards work for her as a distraction but only temporarily. She seems to be entertained by it and then catches on really quickly and resorts back to her old ways.

After the bad Wednesday we had via the post, she wet the bed at the weekend. It makes me worry what’s going on at home with her at the moment. The last time she did that we was going through a hard few weeks where her mum was forcing her to call her dad by his name and not dad. She told us she got shouted at and was not allowed to call him that anymore.