Feeling a bit lost

[Stepparent]

Hi,
I'm really new to all this - I'm in need of some help and advice please! I have a stepdaughter who is now 3 and she is very shy and the most fussiest eater!
I find if difficult because I can see through Dad's actions and grandparents are allowing her to get away with it and only make the situation worse. Her mum just gives in for what seems an 'an easy life' and she is still on formula milk morning and night at this stage!! And still has it in a proper baby bottle!!
Because she isn't 'mine' I feel like I need to keep my mouth shut and just go along with everyone else - but it really doesn't sit well with me.
I have a fair bit of experience with kids and never encountered anything like this before.
Please can someone helpppppp 🙏🏼🙏🏼

[Butterflyone1]

You have to be very careful how you bring the subject up. Us 'other women' are always in the wrong... I struggle with talking to DP about how he raises his DC and we've come to blows many times.

I'd suggest you write a list of the things concerning you and try and broach a few subjects at a time.

For example, using the baby bottles and formula come up with reasons why that's not good such as can it harm the DC teeth (this might be a myth though lol) and how cows milk should be tried it's cheaper, easier etc.

How often does DP have his DC?

[TwentyEight12]

I think the issue is that, even if you do what you think is right and attempt to take the bottle away whilst she is with you, she will still be given a bottle by her mother. This will then create confusion for the child and how can I put it... yeah, create a ‘personal hell’ for you. What’s likely to happen, is that you’ll be blamed and shouted at for trying to take over and blah blah blah...

It may be niggling you and annoying you, but personally, I would let it go.

Speak to your partner about it if you haven’t already and then just leave it to him and the mother and move on.

[swingofthings]

My DD still had a bottle at night at 3yo. She is now studying to be a doctor.

Stay out of it, it's not for you to judge if it's right or not. It doesn't have to 'sit right' for you. It doesn't affect you directly, what matter is that your OH and her mum are OK with it.

[Catclock]

I think you do have a right to voice your opinion on things. As to whether it gets heeded is another matter. But you're part of a child's life, and hopefully a positive part. So you can only just mention it (casually if necessary) and then just leave it. X

[readitandwept]

*she is very shy
*
What about this is she "getting away with"?At 3 years old?

[Stepparent]

Her shyness suddenly becomes OTT when her family members are around her - but when she is with me albeit not the most confident but she will interact with other people and not just turn her back like she does with family. She also 'gets away' with eating a few small food groups - mainly bread if I'm honest! But if I ask her to try something she is more willing but it's like everyone has formed the opinion she is a fussy eater so let's not bother trying - that's the hardest part. At the moment because of her eating and shyness makes it impossible for us to go out for food etc go see family members because she is just a nightmare. And then that stresses my boyfriend out but he doesn't seem to be as focused as me with trying to 'fix' it if that makes sense? We have her every weekend too so it would be nice for her to interact with other kids and other friends/family so we can all have an enjoyable time.
And this is what frustrates me with the milk situation because obviously she needs vitamins etc Cos she ain't gonna get it all from bread and I feel I am stuck in a vicious cycle.
Thank you for all your feedback it's really appreciated xx

[QueenAnneBoleyn]

It’s nice that you’re taking an interest but it’s a difficult one as you’re “not the parent” (despite the fact it impacts on your life).
You may get some negative comments on here as us stepmothers are damned whatever we do.
Personally I wouldn’t stress about the formula / milk, at the end of the day it’s fluids and has vitamins, etc in. It’s not as if she’s drinking fizzy drinks. It could be she finds the milk comforting.
Continue to try offering her new food but please don’t stress. Preserve your sanity and energy and take a step back when you need to. Her parents need to figure this out. You’re entitled to express your opinion if she’s staying in your house. If it gets too much, take yourself off out and leave your partner to it. Take it from someone who’s been there......

[stuffedpeppers]

She is not a nightmare - she is a 3 yr old child who has had her life blown up and food is her method of control.

She knows it bugs people and she will play on it. My 3 yr old did the same when their DF went off with OW. He would eat yoghurt by the bucket load - in it I would put fruit , veg etc and it was ok. Took about 6 months to change slowly.
AS to shyness - some kids are just shy and they do just fine.

The child is telling everyone they are not secure and scared . She needs security.

[stuffedpeppers]

By the way - single parents do give in for an easier time on occasions - lone parenting is bloody hard work and sometimes having that fight at the end of the day is one step too far.

[SandyY2K]

Sadly children are a product of their environment.

It sounds like she would be open to more things if she was with you.

Just be like an Auntie to her. Let her dad give her the bottle and deal with anything you aren't comfortable with.

Some parents keep their children doing baby stuff for longer for an easy life. Like using a dummy at 4 and 5 years old.. .or pushing a reception aged child in a buggy.

I find it annoying...and it's not helping the child's development...but you can only leave the parents to it.

[user1493413286]

I do think you can do things to help when she’s with your DP but stay clear of trying to change anything at her mums and anything within the family needs to come from your DP. I’d also consider that she may react differently to you; my DSD will refuse to do something her dad asks them do it when I ask because I’m not her dad and I’ll be a bit firmer. Maybe suggest to your DP that he lets food be done your way for a couple of months and see if it’s helps, same with the bottle.

[amylou8]

Keep out of it! I learnt this the hard way. In the end I just let XDH raise his DS as he felt fit, however much it grated with me. Some of it was really bad, think along the lines of energy drinks at bedtime for an 8 year old!! I only intervened when it directly affected DSSs safety. Unsurprisingly we are now divorced.

[newmomof1]

OP how long have you been with your BF?
Do you live together?
How long ago did he introduce you to his children?

This is all relevant