Advice Needed

[Antn]

Hi,

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, so apologies in advance.

I wanted to put my situation out there to see what others thought, as I really do not know what to do about things.

Firstly, I have a 7 (this week) yro Son with my ex partner. I pay over the required maintenance, plus his extracarricular activites, and he comes to stay once during the week and every other weekend. He will sometimes stay more as he constantly messages me from his mums phone to say he's missing me and wants to come over.

My first issue is with his mother. We seperated when my son was just 1. She has always been......reluctant. She has never held down a job for more than a few months, even when we were struggling to live she didnt try to get a job. I used to work, come home and clean, cook dinner and then do the night feeds. As she said her job was to look after our son during the day.
Anyway, now my son is just turning 7, and his mother is the same. She has a new baby (18 months or so old) and she doesn't do anything.
My son says all his mummy does is sit on the sofa and watch TV.
I can't stand in her hall at the house when i pick up my son because of the smell and the mess. My son comes over covered in bites from fleas, Is constantly in unwashed clothes, and has a terrible diet.

I often speak to him about food as he is soooooo fussy.
He tells me his mum buys breakfast bars (coco-pops type) that he gets himself because she is asleep and gets up too late to give him breakfast, and more often than not for dinner he will get pizza or pasta and cheese, because she freely admits that she can't cook.

I've started paying for his school dinners because she couldn't afford them and was giving him chocolate spread sandwiches for lunch. At least this way I know he gets a proper meal.
I've tried to introduce a game where he gets points for trying different foods, but when he is at his mothers, it doesn't happen.

Alongside this which really bothers me, there are things that happen with her that really really bother my wife.

She is still contantly in touch with my sister and mother (who didn't even like her when we were together!) and organises days out etc, or ringing and messaging me about trivia things.
Its like she is always in our life, but not just because of my son.

When my wife and I met, my ex used to tell my son that he wasn't too like her, because mummy didn't, so this has had a huge effect on their relationship. Even though it is better, there is irreparable damage that has been done, and my wife bristles even at the mention of my exs name. To the point that its all we argue about.

I just don't know what to do. My son wants to live with us (wife has 2 girls) as he is happier, but doesn't want to upset his mum (his words).

I think he should live with us, as I don't think his mother provides for him properly.

But his relationship with my wife (his relationship with his SS is amazing) would put a strain on the household, as they don't interact like you would expect from a happy family, so would that really be better for him???

Sorry for the length of this and appreciate anyone who finishes reading this!

[SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad]

Tough message, mate.

If your son is being neglected, you need to get him out of there.

If you are unable to give him a happy and lovong home with your wife, because of the state of their relationship, then you need to do so away from your wife (perhaps temporarily, while working on their relationship).

Kids first. Always.

[Antn]

I have thought about this option, and it's top of the list at the moment.

I have been hoping that in time the situation would get better, and it has slightly, but probably not enough. With my wifes kids it makes it even harder as my Sd's are like my own as well, but my son has to be the priority

[Hollowvictory]

You marriexsomeone who has such a poor relationship with your son that your son Has to live in flea bitten neglectful home with his mother rather than with you. Is this for real? It really does suck to be that poor kid.

[murree]

Is it possible the more time your wife and son spend together the relationship will become easier? Almost like him being there all the time will just make things become normal?
I'm a stepmum and to be honest it took me ages to really connect with my step children as I have never been around kids before. I hate to admit it but even now as we only have them every other weekend it is a struggle on the first day as i'm used to having my own space all week! But by the end of the weekend i'm just used to them being there and routine we have with them.
Hopefully your things will just become normal over time.

[Erinaz]

Well your have to tell her sort it out or your ring social services they might be able to help also his school should be aware and it might be a idea to talk to them. She sounds depressed perhaps cut the mantience payment an pay for a cleaner . Get her pet some good flea treatment this can be expensive from the vets. If no improvement you may have a try get custody.

[Prettyvase]

Enough is enough. Your son must come first.

[lunar1]

Your son has to come first here. He is being severely neglected by his mother by the sounds of it. Is your wife reluctant to have him move in?

How much do you have him now?

[Youseethethingis]

It sounds like your wife struggles to remember that the child is her husbands flesh and blood. To her, he “belongs” to your dreadful ex, and her negative feelings are all tied up together. I have, in the past, wrestled with similar feelings myself (although not to this extent) so I’m not unsympathetic.
The mother has to take the bulk of the blame for undermining their relationship from the start, but really your wife has to get her shit together and get counselling or whatever it takes to square her head up because there is a vulnerable, innocent child here whose future is on the line. He needs you, OP. Sort it. His mother isn’t going to.

[WhiteCat1704]

Don't destroy your relationship just yet....When/If you go for custody unless there is real proof of severe neglect you very likely won't get it.

Having dealt with my DHs toxic ex and having had awful relationship with SD in the past due to this womans lies and guilt tripping SD I will say if your son can came to live with you and your wife full time away from his mothers influence, in time, he and your wife will adjust and stand a chance of developing a good relationship.

[Pinkybutterfly]

I think you should be talking to your wife instead of us. You both have to look for an alternative and make a plan together. If not she will resent you. Speak your heart and she will understand. She has daughters, we wouldn't allow that to happen to them. Just talk to her, if you decide for him to come to live with you guys maybe he can go 3 days a week to his mum for you and Ur wife to have some time off? Good luck

[SandyY2K]

What's the point in saying talk to your wife, not us when a poster wants views of other ppl.

We could say that to everyone who posts about a relationship problem.

OP... how would your Ex feel about your DS living with you?
Would she prefer it if you lived alone?

Was there a reason she disliked your wife?

I would try and speak to the HT at his school about your concerns, as it is a safeguarding matter.

It might be make her improve the situation if she thinks SS are in her case.

[Pinkybutterfly]

SandyY2K he has asked for our opinions. If you can read you see my post wasn't only that line. to me it doesn't matter what the mother feels about am. she is not coping at the moment, she is not feeding him properly, I would be having serious concerns about his general health and will book him to see the GP and have bloods done. I have said that cuz I am a step mum and we have his child living with us as his mother wasn't interested in what is best for her son. So yes, you live with your wife and you have to make decisions together for everyone's wellbeing. I would be really pissed off if you were my husband came to ask for help here instead of talking to me to look for a solution. She loves you and cares about your son. Good luck op

[Antn]

Thanks so much for everyones responses.

Firstly, just to clarify, my wife would have no hesitation in my son coming to live with us, atall. My concern with it would be that as they don't have a close relationship, would my son be more unhappy than living with his mum.

I also, as someone suggested, don't think I would get custody anyway. SS wouldn't look at this case as a priority either. I know this as one of my close relations is a social worker.

After reading all the replies on here, my wife and I have spoken and she has suggested that she go speak to someone professionally. She knows it's not my sons fault, but struggles to seperate him from his mother, who she is really struggling with constantly being in our and my families lives.

I also know that I need to speak to my mother about the relationship they have with my ex. I hadn't really thought about the effect of this before.
As my wife says, hearing my mother calling my ex's new child her 'grandchild' is wrong. I think that too, but guess I don't let it get to me as I know how my mother is.

Thankfully my ex has really got under my sisters skin recently due to trying to make 'drama' apparently.......

Families!!!!

[IsAStormApporaching]

Even if you don't think social services will do anything you should still contact them and try.
Your son is living in horrible conditions.
Contact his doctor, contact the heath visitor, contact school or nursery.

Don't stand by and allow this to happen. You have just as many right as his mother.
Good luck