ExDH being extremely manipulative

[Chickenedout]

So ex and I share 3 DC ages 13 11 and 6. We split in Jan, since then he has been very sporadic seeing DC I offered him to see them every other weekend. He said I made him homeless so he can't have them weekends (I had him removed from the house by the police for domestic abuse ) he know stays with his sister in a 3 bed house .
Since I've met new DP back in April he has got wind of this (many mutal friends ) and has become so so bitter (understandable) however he now quizzes the DC when he sees them about what I'm doing etc, he keeps saying he is coming to the house to take what he bought (my bed frame) dinning table , TV unit , he still accuses me of being an alcoholic and says I starve the kids and that's why I'm so fat (I'm a size 16) bug but not overly and the kids are by far starved . I'm at the end of my tether with it , he is still calling all the shots now . He even called my next door neighbors the other night shouting down the phone saying my new dp is abusing the kids (far from it)

I'm exhausted, I'm off work with anxiety and stress, I can't afford mediation at the moment due to debt I'm just so messed up over this awful said excruciating problem and the kids are suffering .

[lunar1]

Taking your ex out of the equation for a minute, how much time is your new boyfriend spending with you and your children?

It's a lot to go through in under a year. Dad being removed for domestic abuse, and your new boyfriend being introduced so soon.

How often is your ex seeing the DC?

[Chickenedout]

Hi lunar he was introduced in October so after 6 months I also I agree it was too soon as well and very selfish of me , but I never get time away from the kids as I have no one to help me he sees them about once a month at a push

[Chickenedout]

I feel a huge sense of guilt every single day and wish I could make everything go away but it's happened and now I just need to fix it

[lunar1]

You can't fix what your ex is doing, unless it gets to a point where you can legitimately get legal advice over his behaviour there is nothing you can do.

As hideous as it is, that bit of guilt isn't on you, you haven't caused it and aren't to blame.

[LatentPhase]

Sounds like there is a lot to sort out and being in a new relationship might be a bit premature for you and your kids (sorry).

Where are you at in terms of recovering from this abuse. Have you had support, done the Freedom Programme?

What support are the dc getting? Is there a court order for contact?

How does contact actually happen, are you seeing him at handovers? Can it be done by a third party? What support are friends and family offering? Are school aware?

If you feel he is ‘calling all the shots’ I would say focus on you, get counselling, really look after yourself. Maybe a new partner is too much to add to the mix at the moment.

You can do this, you just need to recover first.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

Try the grey rock technique- google it. This can get better.

Basically minimise all contact. You’d be amazed how little there can be. Don’t reply to abusivr texts. Don’t pick up the phone. Just reply factually, in one sentence. Be nice but clear.

It takes time but eventually it will reduce his attention.

Also contact women’s aid. They will help.

[Chickenedout]

I've been in contact with a local women's charity who have been a help, sorry for delay is response. All contact I've had with him have been regarding the DC , he has now blocked me on Whatsapp and will only communicate through the children. He even turned up at the house the other day demanding a cheque book he had left , I don't want him just turning up 🙄

[Mumofaprinny]

Time to start taking a step back. You sound really stressed. If your new boyfriend is good with your children then there is no need to feel guilty about him being in your house when your kids are there. As for your shitty ex, do not make contact with ex through the children. If I was you, I would send a polite but to the point message and then block. Example: please don’t try to communicate to me, through our children as you are dragging them into a horrible situation. If you turn up at my house again, I will call the police and look into having a restraining order put in place... and block... when he takes the children, where does he collect them from? As for the stuff you have of his, if it was me I would give it back after christmas and try Facebook selling pages to get nice stuff in place of it, that might stop his bitching!😁

[ChristmasFlary]

Is it a joint mortgage owned home or joint rented ? If so he can turn up unless you can get a restraining order.

Legally he is entitled to half the items in the house. My ex and l had to make a list of what we both wanted and negotiate.

J

[Chickenedout]

Hello , it's housing association and luckily it's only me on the tenancy in my maiden name, for years he went on about him not being on the tenenacy , I'm glad I didn't add him now, I don't have an issue with him having his stuff, however on top of Christmas , him giving me the bare minimum financially (,yes it helps) but it's 140 less then what CMS says he should pay (still waiting for them to contact him) he hardly has them so again no financial burden on him , I can't just afford to go out and buy a new dinning set, a new bed, a new TV unit , everything else is mine I suppose , I'm happy to return it but I need time. And to top it he sought mediation they want 84 pounds, I'm not liable to leagal aid I just don't have that this time of Christmas, he however is going abroad for 3 weeks at Christmas 🙄

[Mumofaprinny]

Like I said, give him back his stuff after Xmas when you are a bit better off or wait until CMS sorts his payments out and then return when you have more money. Don’t replace with new stuff, second hand is just as good and half the price... you said he never takes them so why are you paying for mediation? That’s his job, not yours. If I was you, I would document every time he has them, what hours he has them and then if it ever does go to court you have some sort of evidence. How are thing going now?