Interesting caption

[SandyY2K]

I know there are quite a few dads who take on this role, especially when the actual father abandons ship or turns out to be so unreliable post seperation or divorce.

I just read an interesting caption though and wanted to share......

It said "I'm not the stepfather, I'm the father who stepped up"

Fathers who abandon their DC could do with having those words sink in.

I know people will say the same about some mothers... and the sane applies... but it's not such a common thing.

I found them to be very powerful words.

[HerondaleDucks]

I feel this applies to me these days.

But it's a much more common thing for men as they live generally with the resident parent.

However in some cases this sort of mentality justifies pushing out the real father or mother, therefore it's not a phrase I would actually use and especially not in front of the children...

[Spanglyprincess1]

I agree it's not a nice phrase, my partner ex uses this to push him out as wishes she had children with her current partner. He isn't their dad. We ahve them 50% and as much as she wishes he would dispaear they are his kids too whole loves!
Some exs push the other parent away both male and female and try to make acess as difficult as possible despite it not being what's best for the kids.

[SandyY2K]

I think the meaning behind it...is that some dads totally abandon their children and don't play a part in their lives.

It's not intended push a dad who is present and active in their child's life at all.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

It’s like a can of worms this issue isn’t it. I have a close friend who adopted his step daughter, and was a very good father to her. However it was very much instigated by the mother from when the child was a baby, as she didn’t want her Ex to have anything to do with the child, and also made my friend feel 100% responsible, for providing, so they married because my friend felt like he needed to rescue them. They were not well suited, had an unhappy marriage, divorced and his daughter is very, very needy with him even though she’s now nearly 30. I always felt uneasy. The biological Dad felt pushed out, wanted to be the Dad, didn’t fight for long enough although they got close again later.

On the other hand, I probably was the mother figure for DSDs, for all their teenage years. I stepped up when their mother was not as interested. Yet no one will ever acknowledge that, she got the Christmas lunches, I got every other single weekend! Sometimes people really do step up. However, acknowledging that is a minefield.

[HerondaleDucks]

Somehow I don't think anyone would go around saying the same phrase about us Bananas. I can only assume it's because step mothers should know their boundaries and not over step the mark.

[Shriek]

I think step up dad is an excellent description, but I dont think its intended use is for DC. I've been referred to as a step up mum, and I dont have SDC. You can be a step up mum or dad to any kid, its an expression for any adult that is there for a kid when its needed, especially where their own are not stepping up

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

Ha ha @herondale I think we’d be publicly lynched!

[Winterishere2018]

To be honest I think there’s a different in terms of a step fathers role and that Of a step mothers. In my case my ds step father is with him majority of the time doing the mundane of parenting doctors, appointments etc where as ds sm and df see ds twice and get to do the fun bits. DH has been in more involved in ds life than his own father although he does have a good bond with his df he has developed a deeper relationship with dh because he does live with him majority of the time and as such see him in a more active parental role.

[Winterishere2018]

But in ds case ex left when he was a baby so he knows no different.

[Spanglyprincess1]

That isn't fair winterishere2018 it might reflect your circs but we ahve the children 50:50 so are as involved in mudane doctors, homework etc as the other family. Many father's have 50:50 with their ex's

[HerondaleDucks]

We have full residency of my step children. I do many mundane things on a daily basis. I recently did parents evening with dsd on her request. It certainly threw the teachers when I introduced myself.
As I said before an unfair phrase to the parents and one that step parents cannot really and truly go around saying or thinking as for the most part would be lynched as Bananas said! I do think step father's get more accepted acknowledgement. I think sc mother would go mental if that was said about me!

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

@winterishere I had one step daughter living with me full time and the others 50/50. For 5 years their mother had them about 3 weekends each year.

[NewLevelsOfTiredness]

Well, firstly and to get it out the way, us step-dads get it much easier. Apparently for a man to take on the task of helping raise someone else's children is a monumental sacrifice against our manly man man natures and we deserve unending praise.

Step-mothers, on the other hand, are clearly just shifty characters trying to eradicate the real mother's very existence. And probably enslave the kids or feed them poison apples or something.

Despite the fact we're doing pretty much the same things.

So yes, I get all these kudos from my girlfriend. I have a keychain she bought me. It says "Anyone can be a father. To be a stepfather takes a real man." And I get it. It's lovely. This family is my life really. It's a bit like being a dad with the added stress of constantly remembering that I'm not actually one and making sure it doesn't look like I'm trying to be one whilst making sure that the girls know they can always depend on me but their daddy is still the most important man in their life and aaaaaaaargh.

I got a text from my eight year old SD the other evening when it was a little past her bedtime. I was on the way home. It read "When are you home? Mum and dad are arguing :( " The argument was actually my girlfriend trying to tell her ex on the phone that she couldn't talk now because the kids were awake and would hear, but it was touching that she trusted me that much. I guess that's what it's about, the dependability.

As long as my girlfriend recognises that if her ex gets a new steady partner, she's allowed to be great too. (Which she does, thankfully.)

I see 'stepping up' as doing a lot of things that maybe do cross the lines a bit - helping with homework, making their food a share of the time, being seen to be involved. Sitting down and relaxing when mum has a chance to sit down and relax.

The reason I think it's important to step up is this: My girlfriend left her ex because she did everything. Like, everything, and hated the thought of her little girls growing up perceiving that as normal. If I disengage, if I step back instead, they see the same thing. I act as half the parenting team because that's what my girlfriend wants her girls to expect from their relationships.

[SandyY2K]

In most cases both parents are involved...but it came from a place where fathers walk away never to be seen again.

I think many step mums are very involved... but the mother hasn't abandoned parental responsibility, even if they aren't a great mum.


@Bananasinpyjamas11

In the case of your friend... that's another thing I find odd. Both men... him and the dad did what they didn't really want to do.

The dad agreed to the adoption. He wasn't forced to. How much he wanted to be in her life is questionable.

Your friend...got pushed into it too. A similarity in the potential weakness of both men.

On distant analysis...sounds like she goes for a 'type'

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

Ha ha @newlevelsoftiredness your post both cheered me up and made me laugh out loud! That’s rare in the step parenting boards. Thanks! I fear it is true, men are given, usually, a lot of praise for parenting step kids. Whereas step mums are often seen as interfering, not knowing their place, trying to be mum, and just kind of evil.

I do really like your reasoning why it’s important for you to step up. You sound like a decent man. The reason I think it's important to step up is this: My girlfriend left her ex because she did everything. Like, everything, and hated the thought of her little girls growing up perceiving that as normal. If I disengage, if I step back instead, they see the same thing. I act as half the parenting team because that's what my girlfriend wants her girls to expect from their relationships.

@sandy some interesting points there. Often though as @newlevels also says, it’s not that the other parent has walked off into the sunset, they are around but distant/selfish/don’t really do much, if any, parenting. And that’s a tough position to be in as SM. The child lacks parenting. Yet filling those gaps brings a lot of animosity towards women, usually from the mother, but often slaps on the back for men.

My friend didn’t have to adopt the child, but it bought so much rewards and praise for him. Everyone said how fantastic he was. How kind of him. How lucky his daughter was. I was the first person ever to ask him what happened to the actual father. I’d expected to hear that the Dad was crap, had abandoned them etc. When he said the Dad was keen to be part of his kids life ‘but their mother left his name off the birth certificate, and just cut him off, as it was just simpler that way’ I was totally gobsmacked. I said I thought that this was very wrong of the mother, and he flew into a rage as he’d honestly never thought of it that way before.

I’m honestly not sure what that says about us as women... all these examples it’s very much mothers who control life with the kids!

[Spanglyprincess1]

That's shocking bannanass I'd be livid if I was the biological father - poor kid

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

@spangly yes it is shocking. No one had ever said it might not be good for the biological father to either my friend or his ex. They were engaged, the Mum and Dad too, it was a serious relationship. There was no reason to cut him out, he was not abusive or mean apparently.The daughter contacted him as a teenager but they fell out.

[OhComeOnRon]

Just come across this - and whilst they are lovely words - it is true that step fathers become amazing creatures just for living with a mum who has kids, whereas stepmothers are normally evil wicked witches who hate their step kids.

I get most of this is due to NRP being Dad and therefore step dad spends more time with them but its not always the case.

We have SS 50/50 (fri - mon/ fri-tues) so I actually spend much more time with SS than his stepdad who works during the week and then has the free weekend with mum. But no one ever talks about those women who take on their partners children - its always then men!