Investing time

[purplepigs]

Alarm moment
We have been away for two nights come home to our son who had his Grandad stay with him
I am in a relationship with a woman and have been for 5 years
I suggested that my son our son needed some time with us
He is 13
I suggested we wash cars he loves cars
Or may be a board game he lives them
Her response was that she wanted to wash her car and that I could do something with him while she did that

I responded with
I thought it could be all of us

Good idea?

Anyhow conversation moved on to how we could invest more time in him and she said I'm not being funny but it's my time off too

I have said I don't mean day long trips just an hour here hour there

Thoughts

[blackcat86]

Is she warm, welcoming and generally supportive or your child and your time with your DC? If so then she's doing just fine. If not then there is a bigger issue. Unfortunately trying to force her into wholesome family fun or playing happy families is counter productive. Why couldn't you find an activity do with your son yourself rather than trying to dictate what she does with her time? If she's working full time then she's right, it's her time off to. Your child is your responsibility and whilst she should be supportive she shouldn't be forced to co-supervise activities with you so that you don't need to do this yourself.

[Magda72]

Why do men do this? Why you they expect their partners (who are not the mothers of their kids) to constantly play happy families?
I second @blackcat86 - so long as your partner isn't rude to your son or isn't freezing him out then she's doing great & you should respect the fact that she's not his mother, and that she is respecting your one on one time with him.

[Jaxtellerswife]

Because when you have a relationship with someone that has a child you become part of a new family pp. when living together and being committed I mean.
Working to build s bond is great but maybe in less of an arranged way. Let everyone have space they want and need and remember to be aware of how your child feels.
If there's an ongoing long term feeling of unease from partner or child it could be a potential problem

[purplepigs]

@blackcat86
She is generally supportive of my son but at the same sit along the sideline for most of it all, i understand it may be counter productive and i realise that from last night. I can find an activity that my son and I can do but due to shift work we do that at stuff on our own when she is at work so when she is home I don't want to leave her out - I try to include her on most things we do in this kind of situation.

[purplepigs]

@Magda72

Firstly I am not a man I am a woman.
I don't expect my partner to be a mother to my child but she says that she doesn't want to feel left out so I always include her - happy families can't be happy all the time but to invest an hour in a child when we have been away for 3 days is that too much?

[purplepigs]

@Jaxtellerswife

I think that when u have a step child it is important to have time all together - didn't want it to come out like an arrangement

I'm not sure About long term unease

[Jaxtellerswife]

Of course it's very important. But if one or both aren't feeling it at the moment or try not to do it then best to let them have space. I'm a mum, stepchild and step mum and I totally get where all of you are coming from. It's a minefield at times!

[Magda72]

@purplepigs - apologies for assumption. However I still advocate the same. Flip it for a minute. Possibly having been away for a few days your partner thought your dc might like some alone time with you?
Also - you will of course have missed your dc while away & will understandably have wanted to spend time with him when you got back - that doesn't mean your partner will have felt the same.

[TooSassy]

OP, you suggested that your son needed time with the both of you.
Have you had an open, non pressurised conversation about what your partner needs?

My DP used to do this, (and he was an ExDP for a while as a result). He would make what he thought were helpful suggestions around his DC and it is very clear to me now that he had no idea how hard I was finding it all. The suggestions then made me feel even worse as a human being because my default response was ‘well I don’t want to do xyz’.

Has it crossed your mind that your partner has had a lovely few days away and maybe just wants some down time/ alone time/ chill time without being made to feel like she needs to get involved in an activity with you and your DS?

I think your intentions are good. But I also think your expectations of what she should do are clearly mismatching with what it is your partner feels she should be able to do.

We can all theories on here, but the only way you will know is if you sit her down and ask her.
Also, I’m sorry, you’ve only been away 2 or 3 days, that’s absolutely nothing.

[TooSassy]

*theorise.

OP, too many people expect their partners to step in and want to do things / be a second family with their kids. If more people removed that pressure, I genuinely think that there would many more happy ‘second’ families.

I am far happier that my DP and I are doing increasing amounts with our DC separately. When I do now spend time with his DC, it is by choice and I am far happier. For me, at this stage, less is more. I am far more fulfilled by not feeling guilted into what I ‘should’ want to do.

[blackcat86]

That's great that she's supportive and should reassure you that it's not that she doesn't care. However, you may be at risk of damaging gf and DCs relationship if you try to dictate the terms of it, even inadvertently. If you want them to spend time together then plan some days out when your gf knows there is focused time set aside. I'm sure you were well meaning but she clearly wanted something different from that day and didn't think all of you washing the car was necessary.

[purplepigs]

Putting this post into perspective
The following day of writing this my Grandmother was taken ill at home and died the following day in hospital

My partner who I referred to in this post has been fantastic both with me and our son - I couldn't ask for anymore - it really puts things into perspective that she does care and may be every now and then she just needs her own space

But when needed she steps up

Which I think is great