Husband is inconsiderate among other things

[Addy2018]

I am at a loss here. It’s been a few months since my last post and I’m still very unhappy in my marriage. There have been so many things going on I don’t know quite where to start. I have tried for years to help my husband parent his two children SD9 and SS11. I have taught them all their manners. I have made the house a home. I encourage him to stick to rules and chores because I do not want to be the enforcer because I get no back up. So I leave it to him but I try to encourage. Over the last year they skids have become very rude towards me. I am pretty sure it is because I am the only person in their lives that provides any structure. Their mom is an alcoholic and a very drama filled person to say the very least. DH and her “parallel parent” because of many reasons on both of their parts. I have come to learn that DH has anger issues that get exaggerated when he drinks so lately I have been asking him to cut back which happens for a little while and then he seems to think he doesn’t have to anymore. His personality is very inconsistent. And he’s basically a “Disney dad”. We have a toddler together and I recently found out I am pregnant so I don’t know if this is hormones or what but the reason I’m writing this thread is because I feel such resentment lately and feeling of anger and hatred towards him. Today our elf on the shelf appeared on our mantel for our toddler so mg husband told our daughter and myself to pose in front of it, he took a picture and he never sent it to me or showed me but he turned around and sent it to his kids. They are at their mothers house and I got so upset because not only was it not just a picture for us but now their mother will be able to see me, no makeup, first thing in the am and I don’t know why it’s bothering me other than that I feel like he is so inconsiderate of me by not asking if it’s ok to send a picture when I feel he should know better because he knows how she is. She will snoop through their phone to see pictures of myself and my daughter and our lives in general.and I feel it is an invasion of my privacy. This happened after he handed out my phone number to his drug addicted brothers girlfriend who always creates problems for my DH over texts and one day she was being nice and asked for my number and he just gave it out. Bottom line is I feel there is no respect for me. Does anyone agree? I know there are much deeper issues here and I’ve scheduled counseling. I’m sure all of the past events have just built up and this is the icing on the cake but I’m just fed up with the lack of respect and inconsideration of me, who does everything. Oh and I didn’t mention that we now live with my mother in-law who has dementia- two months after our wedding and it has been an exhausting year full of unnapreciation of me.

[AjasLipstick]

I think it's incredibly precious of you to be so vain that you're worried his ex will see you with no makeup on. That's beyond my ken...as a parent, I've moved on from that mindset. I think you should too.

[lunar1]

There is so much going on here, but underneath it all what hope is there for you as a family if you see his children having a photo of you and their sibling being an invasion of privacy? If they can't even have that then what's the point.

I go through my 10 year olds phone, not because I'm snooping, but because he's 10 and I'm responsible for keeping him safe online.

[HeckyPeck]

I understand where you’re coming from OP.

You’re living with a man who has angry drunken outbursts and doesn’t respect your boundaries. Two kids who are rude to you with no consequences. And you have a kid with this man and one on the way. Plus living with someone with dementia.

If you had to list all the good things about your marriage would they outweigh the bad things? Does your marriage make you happy?

I know you might feel trapped, but you don’t have to stay if it’s making you unhappy. You only get one life OP.

[Addy2018]

Lunar1 I understand going through your child’s phone to make sure they are safe. That is not what she does. She drives around drunk with them. Safety isn’t her priority. Invading my privacy is.

[Addy2018]

Heckypecky thanks for your reply. I needed to get that off my chest. A lot has been built up over this last year. I don’t see many good things in this marriage anymore but I struggle with the idea of not seeing my daughter daily and mostly, ever trusting him to care for her because I witness how he does not parent his other 2. It’s a scary thought. Hopefully withcoubsrling I will figure this all out. Thank you for not judging me and attacking with a hurtful reply. I know how the OP msg found to someone who doesn’t understand

[Addy2018]

May sound*

[HeckyPeck]

Yes, that must be hard to think of him parenting your kids in the same way as you see him parenting the step kids.

I hope the counselling helps you to work out what will be best for you.

Keep posting if you need support, just try to ignore any snidey comments. They’re not about you, people often project their own experiences rather than trying to understand.

[bumbother]

She drives around drunk with them. Safety isn’t her priority.

And who has reported her for that?

[lunar1]

Is he currently going through the courts for custody given the children's mother is driving them around drunk? That should be his priority right now.

[Addy2018]

Yes that’s being handled. That’s not the point

[Addy2018]

I was posting for support. I thought that’s what we were all here for? Not that it is relevenat to my OP but he has many priorities, a mother with dementia who is dying, a toddler, a pregnant wife, 2 other children and a legal battle. I wasn’t asking for his priority list. Thanks though

[blackcat86]

Fellow SM here. You need to step back OP and look after your DC and yourself/unborn baby. If he's a Disney dad then make him step up. Why are you having to take his DCs rudeness and try to teach them manners. Find an activity to do with your toddler and go out for the day. He may feel differently if he has to deal with all of this rather than it being part of your emotional load. You are stretched in too many directions and it doesn't sound like you have much support. Do you have people IRL that could support you?

[HeckyPeck]

That’s good advice from BlackCat. If the SC only visit a couple of times a week maybe you could find other nice things to do with your child.

At least whilst you figure out what would be best for you.

[Addy2018]

Blackcat86 thank you. I will begin to step back. It’s nice to hear. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that we’re “allowed” to take care of ourselves. I have a few girl friend IRL some are SMs some aren’t, we support each other. I appreciate your advice. Thank you again.
Heckypeck I will take your advice too. Thanks so much ladies.