Advice please!

[Stepmumma]

First time poster! Forgive me I do not know all the abbreviations!

I have been in my 5 year old stepsons life for about 2 years now, my partner and his mother split when he was very young.

I am very frustrated as I really try with him but even after all this time he is so so rude to me. Every time I ask him something even before I am finished speaking he just shouts NOPE - it’s his answer to everything!! If I am offering him food for example he does this & then immediately goes up to his Dad and whispers in his ear that he in fact does want it!! To be fair my partner doesn’t take any off his shit and he is made apologise & when I ask him again he answers properly but this is every time I ask him ANYTHING! He has absolutely no manners at all. At home is mother lets him do whatever he likes when he comes to us his father displines him but there’s only so much we can do as he is with us one day/night a week. Also it was his birthday recently and I bought him a present and I gave him it immediately he shouted DONT WANT IT - DONT LIKE IT! Before he had even touched it - I dont understand what his problem is with me when I do everything I can for him! What more can I do?

His mother is very bitter towards me even though I have never laid eyes on her so Im unsure if maybe she is telling him to be like this with me?

[blackcat86]

Are you sure you're not just trying too hard? Sometimes DCs can respond better to a cool, calm, caring approach. Ive found with DSS thay if people fawn over him its just too much pressure. His dad should absolutely be putting down boundaries and not tolerating rude or disrespectful behaviour to anyone. When DH moved in with me DSS would be very rude to my parents and his grandparents whenever they came over. They would pick him up from school (gfs), give pocket, buy him stuff and he was horribly rude, disrespectful and sullen. I spoke to DH and both of us really clamped down on it. Everytime after that we nipped it in the bud but also encouraged positive activities together. His mum was always slating my family and the gfs who she sees as very affluent (incorrectly) but you don't have to tolerate poor behaviour. Do you spend quality time with DSS and do activities together?

[Stepmumma]

I’m not even trying too hard I’m asking him simple things like - do you want lunch or how was school this week? Giving him a present on his birthday isn’t try hard? My partner doesn’t take any of his crap at all so I don’t understand why he is continually doing this as he isn’t getting away with it? Yes we always do things together the 3 of us, swimming, petting farms, the park, soft play areas etc but it’s like he doesn’t want me there! It’s so upsetting because all I want is for him to be as kind to me as I am to him!

[blackcat86]

Then my only answer is that perhaps you're bang on in your perception that he doesn't want you there. It sounds like you're doing all you can OP. Maybe he's being told negative things about, maybe he's heard something at school, or just wants to spend time with his dad? If you're doing all you can then he'll remember your efforts when he gets older. Does he also get time 1-1 with his dad?

[lunar1]

How much time does he get with just his dad? I'm not saying it's ok for him to be rude, but at his age he has limited ways of controlling his life and it sounds like he wants you to back off a bit.

[stuffedpeppers]

A 5 yr old does not give out shit

Sorry your tone and terminology is really offensive.

He is telling you in 5 yr old language that something is upsetting him. What that is may not be related to you but he does not know how to express himself yet.
Good that Dad picks up on behaviour but try finding out why and help him express himself

[RagingWhoreBag]

we always do things together the 3 of us, swimming, petting farms, the park, soft play areas etc but it’s like he doesn’t want me there I guess there's your answer. He only sees his dad once a week, he just wants to spend time with him.

As nice as you are, you're not his parent, you don't HAVE to be involved, even if you do actually want to, so perhaps try and leave them to spend some time together and you do something for yourself when he's there. Maybe once you have made yourself scarce he will start to ask after you and want to spend time with you?

[swingofthings]

You do sound like you are trying too hard and sadly this is resulting in him not accepting you. You say his dad is good at disciplining him, so let him. It's his role. Take a step back and build a relationship with this boy based on more fun and complicity rather than communication based on discipline and chores.

Let his dad parent, you do the nice bit and as he relaxes around you and see you as the person he can be comfortable around he will start to let you in. The refusing your present is so telling. It's not the present he rejected, it was his way of telling. It can only get worse unless you change things yourself.

[Notnowok]

Agree with ragingwhorebag you need to allow your dss to have alone time with his father. My dcs absolutely hated being forced to tolerate exh gf every time they saw their dad. She wanted to go to everything. The end result being they stopped seeing their dad regularly, stopped going on holiday when she insisted on going too despite having separate alone holidays with exh.
Now in their 20's they see their dad once or twice a year. The gf though refused to let my dc keep anything at their dad's house not even a football or change of clothes. ( that's what kicked off the hate which never left )
I don't mean leave the house, just let dss when on trips out go with just his dad.

[Frances003]

Children are very loyal to their parents and main care givers. I would like to add to everyone else’s suggestions that potentially ..:: if he is hearing mum say bad things about you to her friends / or her family for example he will automatically be wary of you. Psychology shows Children need to see that their parents are ok with a “stranger” (I’m not suggesting you are just merely saying... not his parent) before they will accept them ..:: it’s the same as when a parent sees a friend in the street , if the child doesn’t recognise them or know their parent is ok with this person they may hide behind parents legs.

I know this from my studies. And also witnessed this happening with my own step daughter but towards her dad. I had only know her a month and she would cry kick scream ... that she wanted me to pick her up from her mothers and not her dad- she was 3 at the time. She wouldn’t even get in the car if he was there.
I sorted this with her mum by suggesting dad went round to theirs just once or twice and they played as a 3. Mum admitted she had maybe not been cautious at what she was saying about dad on phone to her family and that child may have over heard . After once a week for one hour , in 3 weeks this problem was completely sorted and she didn’t cry again about him picking her up.
She’s now 7 they have a beautiful relationship, but she does still have attachment issues to her mother.

It’s just a perspective - may not suit your situation but it could, just could be a cause

[swingofthings]

Frances, what you describe is a very common stage of development and happens also in families where both parents live happily together. It is usually a result of kids spending a lot more time with their mum, little with their dad so they are more comfortable around females and a bit weary around men including their father.

My DD went through the same stage around that age rejecting her father. The thing is, he worked ft, had a long commute so the only time she spent with him was weekend and 3ven then I was the main care giver as he was very tired. We were still together and hapilly so, so her behaviour had nothing to do with me saying or acting negatively with her dad.

Like you, she got over it and by the time she was 6, she had only eye for him. My DF is the main earner for the family whilst her OH works from him and is the main carer. She experienced exactly the same thing with both her kids only wanting daddy when they were that age. 10 years later and they are still hapilly together and the kids are close to my friend.

Great attitude though to encourage them spending time together there. Not everyone would do that even though it was clearly the right thing to do for your OH and SD.

[Stepmumma]

Thank you all for your advice.

When he comes over tomorrow I will be out with my mum we have arranged to go Christmas shopping. I will try backing off to see if it helps.

[GreenEggsHamandChips]

He's five. Its what 5 year olds do when they can express themselves fully. Stay constant and kind. His dad has a good handle on it.

Just in case you forget, He's five.

[swingofthings]

Backing off doesn't mean not being present but not being so emotionally involved. Let you oh ask him what he wants to eat and pick him up when he is being uncooperative. You are lucky to have a partner who seems hands on so remind yourself that he isn't your responsibility but could be a fun little boy to share some good times with. It might take some time but hopefully he will become less weary and start focusing on the positives of having you in his life.

[Frances003]

Yeh it worked really well @swingofthings , I’m not sure I’d be so happy these days if he needed to do this again , but we are married , more established .... whereas back then I’d known a child a matter of months - and didn’t feel in any place to get jealous I guess! (Mum was with a partner , had another baby and I made it clear it just needed to be 3 of them so she actually sent partner out with her youngest) they’re now not together so whether I’d do the same again I don’t know !
Very interesting to hear it’s normal though and that you went through the same ! Thank you! X

[ghostsandghoulies]

I think it's a 5 year old's way of saying that he wants his Dad to do stuff like make lunch because it's a novelty (one day a week). I doubt it's personal that he's behaving like this. He will probably always prefer his Dad to you (naturally)

[SandyY2K]

he shouted DONT WANT IT - DONT LIKE IT!

He's quite a character isn't he.

Leave them to father and son time for a couple of months.

He might just start asking where you are.