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Does anyone else feel the imbalance

(14 Posts)
dogsbodymum Tue 20-Nov-18 20:59:55

So I have 2 dc of my own, 2 dsds too. Mine live with me full time and his 50% of the time. We live in his home town around his family. I don't really have any family both parents died and me and my sister are not close. It just feels so imbalanced, I feel all the rules apply to my 2 and not his! He doesn't see it if I mention it even with examples, his 2 at different times have been rude and disrespectful towards me were as mine are a bit scared of him, cos of his rules! His mum who is a lovely lady likes to take her grandchildren out and treat them but never does mine, I know the bond is different but why doesn't she try my 2 have no grandparents. I get down about it sometimes. Next week his stepdaughter from his last marriage is coming over she is also his dds half sister, she's bringing her boyfriend and his mum and muggins here is cooking for them all. I feel there's them and us sometimes.
On top of that my dh had a heart attack a few months ago so I walk on eggshells with him atm as he gets stressed easily and I have to try not to let that happen. I feel trapped

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AjasLipstick Tue 20-Nov-18 23:08:36

mine are a bit scared of him, cos of his rules

I would simply never live with a man who made my children afraid.

Why are you?

swingofthings Wed 21-Nov-18 05:41:05

How long have you been together and living together? How old are the kids? It takes time to welcome someone new into your family? It's understandable that you feel sorry for your kids having no family and desperately want your OH family to include them but you can't force someone to do so, it happens with time and affinity.

Did you discuss house rules before moving in together? It sounds like everyone is quite stressed which is understandable as going from two kids to 4, and for him kids only half the time to 7/7 days is a big change. The heart attack certainly won't help and his health has to be his priority? Not sure all living under the same roof is what works best in your situation.

dogsbodymum Wed 21-Nov-18 08:43:18

Well seen as we're married and lived together for 4 years been together for 7, I don't think we rushed into it and hard not to live under the same roof! I'm aware it takes time to get to know each other etc but come on! They are all at difficult ages which doesn't help 12,13,14 and 15. And when I say scared I don't mean scared he's going to hit them or anything I just mean aware of his authority! He does laugh and joke with them too just since he's had his heart attack we're all on eggshells really. Just feeling a bit fed up

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SandyY2K Wed 21-Nov-18 09:11:25

Your kids are scared of his authority, but his own kids aren't.

I think it would be insightful for you to really find out how your DC feel about him.

In years to come they could well be feeling that it was all so unfair...but mum didn't do anything about it.

If you feel this way.... imagine how they feel.

Redbus1030 Wed 21-Nov-18 09:27:33

It is soo hard when you a feel a bit out numbered. I can understand where you dont have extended family of your own. I think though if your kids have never had it they would not notice it, its proabbaly more youwho does which is understandable, you just need to do stuff with them when the DSC go off with the Grandmother.

It's quite political for all parties involved.

I do think you need to address the rules though, it does need to be consistent across all the children no matter how much time they spend living at the house. If he is enforcing rules on your DC but not his for the same things I would be addressing that firmly.

Rachelover40 Wed 21-Nov-18 09:30:47

I think you need to sit your husband down and have a good talk to him. He sounds awful if your kids are scared of the man but, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he may not realise how he is coming across and perhaps doesn't quite know how to behave with your children. So give him a talking to and see if things change. Hopefully, if he does change, it will have a knock on effect on his parents - who maybe don't realise how isolated you feel. People often don't pick up on things unless you spell them out.

His children should not be rude to you, that is plain wrong.

swingofthings Wed 21-Nov-18 10:45:03

No that's definitely not rushing but as you say, teenagers are a nightmare and 4together must be hard work.

dogsbodymum Wed 21-Nov-18 16:20:50

I want to sit husband down but I don't think he'll listen or even see my POV. I'm sick of it, it's so frustrating

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dogsbodymum Wed 21-Nov-18 16:26:04

I mean should I expect his mum to make an effort with my dcs or is that expecting too much

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KristinaM Wed 21-Nov-18 16:28:50

YANBU

Don’t cook for all his family, let him do it.

Take your kids out somwhere and give them space to have some family time.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat Wed 21-Nov-18 16:35:57

"muggins here is cooking for them all"

See this is exactly the kind of sexist shit that I'm referring to when I keep banging on about how step dads are very rarely expected to take on as much stuff as step mums.

OP if your DH can't cook for you all because of his health issues or whatever then he can take everyone out for lunch.

369goosedrankwine Sun 25-Nov-18 15:28:01

I don’t think it is expecting too much and I think they should think of it considering they must know you don’t have family. I’m sorry they haven’t. I agree with another poster...let your in laws and husband sort dinner out while you take your kids somewhere nice and have a much needed break together!

dogsbodymum Tue 27-Nov-18 08:54:10

I felt sorry for my dd last night so I Cooked for 9 people including dp mum and his step daughter and boyfriend, his mum said she would bring the pudding, she bought all these lush lavish puddings that everyone loved just my dd couldn't eat any of them because she can't eat gluten. It would of been nice if she bought something for her really but instead she had to watch us all eat them!

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