Am I Pathetic?

[LJay1987]

Hi

I just wanted some advise on my current situation which has been going on since mid June and in some since my son came into the world almost 2 years ago.
I have a child with my OH who is almost 2 and am pregnant with our 2nd who is due in Feb 2019. He has 2 boys from his previous marriage (still not yet divorced almost 4 years on).
We have them every other weekend and also for a night in the week.
After having my son i developed PND as well as anxiety on our weekends all together - these were of course my own issues and as time went on they went away. There were times during this period where my OH would go to work on the weekends we had his children which I was happy to do at the time until his youngest child refused to do anything I had asked him to (get dressed, brush teeth and please make his bed) this led to a bit of a fall out - my anxiety went through the roof and ended up calling my OH in tears feeling sick and stressed. Since this mini fall out I have not had his children on my own for almost a year now and I naturally do feel guilty as I want to help my OH out as much as possible but at the same time don't ever want to feel like that again.
They are not bad kids and we all get on fine etc but since June this year his youngest has developed a bad attitude and it causes tension and an uncomfortable feeling in the house. Everything or anything nice that me and my OH try and do feels like it's chucked back in our faces. It's definately making me feel uncomfortable in my own home and I get stressed when things start kicking off (over the smallest things) but also I can feel the anxiety coming back on the time we have them which I don't want.
I always support my OH without sticking my nose in too much but then he doesn't really have mine and we end up having a disagreement or an argument and also most recently made to feel guilty.
I have explained to my OH that his son's attitude is getting me down as it has been consistently happening every weekend since June and I can't deal with the stress - he replies by saying he is stressed and made me feel like I am no help. I have said I would love to take his kids to school and help out in situations like this but at the moment I don't feel comfortable as I am unsure that his youngest will co-operate with me and the thought of me waking them up making sure they get ready to leave on time scares me (i know it's silly right) but i don't want to be the one responsible for them being late or if they forget something or even having a potential argument at 7am when I am 5 months pregnant and have also an almost 2 year old.

I don't know what to do anymore with the angry child situation or my stress / anxiety - any advise or words of wisdom is hugely welcomed.

[Aprilislonggone]

In your shoes I would concentrate on my own dc and let dh work through the issues his have. Why ask to put more on your shoulders when you have more than enough? He needs to parent his dc until they can be part of a decent family unit, which it isn't atm given you are so anxious and stressed.

[LJay1987]

Thank you Aprilislonggone
It is a very hard situation when blending a family and I want to be able to do things as a family but also feel that sometimes I should step away. It almost feels that his youngest causes the friction on purpose when he comes to visit. He tells his dad that he wants to live with him on a regular basis and also tells his own mother this also therefore, I have come up with a possible solution which we are due to try in the new year and will have them for a week on and week off in the hope this will help with his moods as he may be acting out due to this.

[hamabr86]

How old are his sons?

[LJay1987]

The eldest is 14 and the youngest is almost 12.
Could it be that his youngest (who is coming 12) has hit the puberty battlefield?
I have suggested that I may well remove myself from the situation if things start to get stressful - is that a sensible idea or not? I just never know whats best.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

The thing is, it's still a really new situation for them and you're expecting a 12 year old to have empathy beyond his years. He lost his dad and then his dad got busy creating another family, and then you withdrew from him (I totally get why you did, by the way). His bad behaviour starting in June - that's around the time you got pg, isn't it?

He's overwhelmed by the situation and he needs careful parenting by his dad and all the adults around him. Puberty is def in the mix too.

I absolutely cannot see moving to 50/50 care being the right thing for your family in this situation. In fact, I think that's bonkers. I think that you have this image of what a blended family looks like, but it's an image your DSS isn't ready to embrace. It sounds like your DH isn't stepping up either.

[hamabr86]

I also think it would be crazy to move him in 50/50. I cant see his behaviour towards you improving just because of this and you will be forced to do more parenting which will be extremely stressful if he completely ignores you. It may be that he's a teenager but you are going to get the brunt of it because you are a 'less' important adult in his eyes so fair game. Your DP needs to be managing it.

[Boux]

Why is he not divorced?
You will soon have 2 children together. He needs to get a move on with that!

[NicePieceOfPlaid]

Your DH needs to step up and not let his DS dictate what happens. He's a child, DH needs to be the adult and stop being a wimwam.

[LJay1987]

Thank you.
It's only in the last couple of weeks where I have not necessarily wanted to be around due to being sick of the tantrums which stem from silly things. I always am around as I think it would create more of a divide with the family doing separate things on the weekends we are all together but at the moment I am finding it hard to stay calm and not loose my temper which I regrettably did at the weekend (with my OH not his kids)
He isn't just unpleasant when he comes to stay with us he is like it for his mother too and my OH gets asked if he can pick up his youngest as she can't handle him either. I feel sorry for her as he is always saying that he doesn't want to live with her and wants to live with daddy etc.
I was pregnant in June but I don't think that was the reason or cause for me wanting to pull away as mentioned only the last couple of weekends and and also we didn't tell them straight away - we told them after the first scan once we knew we were in the "safe zone"
I have said to me OH on numerous occasions and when we are on our own (not with the children around) what I see as it is different to what he sees but I am now at the point of not wanting to bother as he gets defensive, and of course i understand as I would hate to hear anything negative about my children - no parent likes to however, have tried in a calm way to point out that to a degree he acts spoilt - makes me cringe to even say it but if its not what he wants to do then none of us can do it eg - going out for a meal.
Not divorced yet ... oh that is another conversation for another time haha

[Laloup1]

Does he give an explanation as to why he wants to switch to living with his dad?

[Laloup1]

(Ps to answer your question - you don’t come across as pathetic at all!)

[LJay1987]

Hey there
No I’ve not had an explication as to why he would like to come and live with us unless he has told his dad his reasons.
I just thought by having them for a week on week off they have more of a routine as do my children in this scenario. But also they get to see their father on a more regular basis.
He has his own business therefore can be flexible to a degree therefore, I won’t necessarily be responsible for the running around I will be there or used if I can be as a last resort as I will have 2 children of my own to look after as well as a part time job.