AIBU to think this isn't a favour?

[Beanstalkk]

DPs exW has this really infuriating way of acting like she's doing us favours all the time.

Recent example... It's my birthday at weekend and we advised weeks ago that we'd like to book a meal for the evening and so could we factor that into contact for this week.

For background DP has his DC 3 nights a week but there are no set days, it's just decided at the start of the week by exW which nights she needs. If it's relevant, he does pay CMS.

She's now texting him things like 'seen as I'm doing you a favour so you can take her out at the weekend...'

I'm sorry but when was having your own children, doing someone else a favour? We asked if it was acceptable for us to make plans one night of the weekend and she agreed weeks ago. We are still having DC three nights just asked that one of them not fall on Saturday due to our plans. I don't think this is unreasonable? She makes plans regularly and contact always works around those.

She did the same about holidays this year. Me and DP couldn't afford to take the DC abroad (we took them away here instead) and she said 'dont worry, I'll just do it again for you then'. As if we're choosing not to and she's doing us a favour by doing so...

It really grates me. I know it's petty but it just winds me up sometimes!!

[Disfordarkchocolate]

How old are the children? I'm surprised then don't want regular days so they have a set routine.

[Beanstalkk]

5 &7.

Yes I've thought this before but DP and exW say the flexibility works best for them so I stay out of it!

[user1493413286]

It would irritate me too; DSDs mum acts like that about the school holidays as we can’t have DSD for half of them as we both work and she’s doesn’t so it seems fair that she have them for the majority and we take what we can but that’s not her view.
I think never knowing what 3 nights would drive me crazy for the exact reason that it’s hard to make plans and must be unsettling for the children.

[NorthernSpirit]

God, same with my OH’s EW. Makes our she is doing dad a ‘favour’ when it’s usually for her benefit.

Ignore.

Get yourself a set contact order.

[Beanstalkk]

Yeah it did at first but it doesn't overly bother me anymore except on occasions like this. We aren't massive 'go out'ers anyway and I enjoy them being here.

It's why we always make sure to make her aware if we want to make any plans well in advance though. We're never granted the same courtesy though, we usually get 'can I drop the DC off in 10 mins?' but that's another thread!!

It just catches a nerve every time she says it!

[SwitchTo]

She sounds like a self-serving asshole. How transparent can you be - ugh.

PLEASE for the sake of the DSCs and your relationship (this will only get worse and cause more and more arguments in the future) put a contact agreement in place. I cannot stress enough how important this is. Does the ex do shift work?

[Magda72]

It may suit your dp & his ex but you can be sure it's not suiting the kids.
For the most part kids that age need routine - I know mine did. My exh didn't want set days either as he likes to pick & choose what he does any given weekend but I said no way - the kids hated it & set days was part of our divorce agreement.
As pp's have said, that will get worse & worse as the kids get older.

[runningscare]

Can't be far on the SC not having a set routine.

Tell your DP you need a routine so you can plan ... I know you stated you don't get involved... however you are involved and you are important.

[Beanstalkk]

Thanks all. I do see what you mean. I feel sometimes that it isn't my place to get involved but perhaps I should mention it.

They do only live 5 mins from us so it isn't a massive journey each time.

[SwitchTo]

It IS your place - you share your life with this man, you have a say. If something isn't working for you, it isn't working. You matter. You are important. What you need is important. Your life doesn't have to be dictated by his just because he has kids.

[swingofthings]

She's an idiot, but if she wants to be self-congratulating, I would just let her do so and laugh it off.

[takeittakeit]

OP works both ways - too often on this forum you hear the SM complain they are having the child because the BM wants to go out and enjoy herself - so works both ways!

Either way - bloody annoying!

My Ex and his DP woudl scream down the phone at me that theyw ere dong me a favour when they had the DCS 6 weekends per annum. Went form Friday- Sunday then sat-Sun and me pick them up because I was exploiting their good nature.

I had to work those weekends as part of my job - so with one years notice and me shifting my weekends to accommodate their needs - they were still doing me a favour!!