I find my youngest step daughter so difficult

[Bollockstoyou]

I have a dd of my own 14, a ds of my own 12 and 2 step daughters 12 and 14. So difficult ages!
My dsd 12 is so difficult it winds me up and I feel there is nothing I can do about it as she's not my own daughter. She's rude, stroppy, she is vile to my ds she hates anything I cook for her, she won't get up for school and her attendance is so bad her parents now have to attend a meeting with the welfare officer. We have her 50% if the time so this behaviour does effect me and the other children as they see what she gets away with. My dp hates to discipline her incase she decides she doesn't want to live here anymore and I'm forever biting my tongue. But I know it's building up and eventually I'll snap! She's not all bad and she's at a difficult age but she needs telling, getting up for school is a nightmare she just refuses to get up and says she's tired, I have suspected she may use her phone or iPad into the early hours and I have suggested he should take them out of her room at bedtime but he never does! I don't understand this. I had to do this with my dd a few years back when I caught her on her phone at midnight. The difference was though she still went to school was just tired.

The problem when your a step parent is you have no voice! I've known them 5 years and it is so hard not to have an opinion. Oh but dp thinks it's ok to discipline my dcs

[SandyY2K]

Considering her attendance is do bad....he's not doing her any favours by not taking her gadgets away at night. I had to do this with my DC for the same reasons as you.

What are him and her mum doing to address the issue?

Have you asked him why it's ok for him to discipline your kids...but not his own ? And why you can't discipline his kids? Because your kids will be seeing all this and think it's unfair.

I wouldn't bust a gut waking her up. Her parents need to deal with it.

Is she the same at her mum's? Not getting up for school? I wondered if you could discuss the gadgets with her mum... depending on your relationship with her.


She should be able to wake up with an alarm by herself at that age. Mine did without a problem.

[Wdigin2this]

In the time honoured tradition of Mumsnet, you don't have DSC problem, you gave a DP problem!

[PickAChew]

You need to discipline your dp.

[colditz]

Hmmmm

You need to wrap the discipline up as what it really is - love.

SO take her tech and if her dad kicks of, say "DO you want her to fail at school? I thought you loved her. I love her, so I'm taking her tech away at night so she can sleep. I thought you loved her enough to do that for her, but here we are"

[PickAChew]

Exactly colditz.

Ds1 is 14 and textbook difficult and happily hands this phone to charge and straighten up at bedtime. It's about keeping the trust going.

[QuiteLikely5]

This is ridiculous. Remove the phone at 10pm every night. Return as she is leaving for school. If she doesn’t leave for school she doesn’t get the phone.

[swingofthings]

She sounds like a very unhapppy, confused teenager lost amongst her 3 role model teenage siblings.

Teenage years are indeed difficult, much more so for some kids (It was for me). What she probably needs is more attention so that her self-esteem is better. That doesn't mean no disciplining, indeed, the sleeping issue needs tackling (as indeed a very common issue nowadays), but it needs to be balanced with more one to one time.

What's the set up with her mum? Does she have more siblings there too? Does she get along with her mum?

[Bollockstoyou]

I think she is unhappy in herself tbh, she always has been a difficult child though, she has always had friendship issues.
Recently her mum very quickly moved in with a new partner, he has 2 year old twins and a step daughter. Her mum spends a lot of time with her 'new family ' and I know this has effected both my step daughters!
Their mum has abandoned them in the past too so I'm sure this has had an effect on them. I am sympathetic to this but when she is vile to my son once tried to strangle him I find it hard to be sympathetic!!

[Candlelights]

In my view, a 50-50 split does not work well with teens. They don't need day to day care like younger children do. They need a home where there's at least one parent fully on top of their lives. Who knows what homework is due, who their friends are and who they've fallen out with lately, who sets ground rules and can enforce sanctions if they're broken, who knows where they are every evening. Otherwise they run rings round you and aren't getting what the need in terms of parenting.

On top of that you've a situation where you don't feel it's your authority to parent, and your DP won't parent because he wants to be the favourite (ie lax) parent in case she decides not to stay with him so much. It's a recipe for failed parenting.

But what would probably be much better for DSD would be to have one main home with a parent who sees themself as her primary carer (and doesn't devolve that responsibility to their partner) and just visits to the other parent. If you could help your DP not to be so fearful of such a setup he might do better.

We had two of my teenage DSC 50-50 for year and it didn't work well. Neither of them were particularly rebellious but lots of balls got dropped. The following year we had one of them full time while the other went back to being with her mum in the week every week. Both of those arrangements worked better than the 50-50 year.

[Bollockstoyou]

I agree in some ways, but then you don't understand the situation, i really don't want to talk down about her mum, she loves her daughters there is no doubt about that. Unfortunately though she has always been the unstable one, in and out of relationships, things always go wrong with jobs, she runs away from debts by moving around. She has been involved with drugs etc too. At the moment though she does live in a nice home, just got a better job and a new partner but the problem is we never know how long this will last.

My dp has really been the primary Carer since they were small, she left them all for a year, no contact and I also think this has had an effect on them. My dp doesn't want her to be left to bring them up and he see them occasionally, though that may very well happen in the future.

I am sympathetic towards my dsd but because I don't feel I can discipline her like I would my own, it causes a lot of frustration and bad feeling it's tough

[Candlelights]

I only know what your post about your situation.

You say your DP sees himself as the primary carer. But he's not behaving like one if he's afraid to discipline her. If her mum's as flakey as you say, it doesn't sound as if he's much reason to fear DSD moving to hers so he needs to step up as her parent. And if you're left in change ever he should be backing you up if necessary

[Quartz2208]

Yep as always you have a DP problem and you step daughter has a dad problem. Being a parent means sometimes making the difficult decisions and stepping up and discipling - at the moment he is failing you and her

[Bollockstoyou]

Her mum is flakey but that doesn't mean she wouldn't want to live with her mum, sometimes I think it would be better though but I know dp would be heartbroken. .

[HipsterAssassin]

If that’s his idea of being the primary career then dsd is being badly let down by him.

Left to be online all night and sleep all day aged 12. Holy cow. Time is running out. When she turns 13 the horse will have bolted.

The time for your DP to step up and parent is now.

[HipsterAssassin]

I would take the approach as per colditz

[BettyBaggins]

Do you chat directly with the Mum ? You need to.