Expectations

[Aroundtheworldandback]

If you have an ex who has zero interest in your child together and no relationship with them, do you feel you place more expectation on your child’s step parent to fill their shoes and love them as they would their own?

I think I do this with my dh. His children (older) have a mother who they live with and are very close to, and I’d be lying if I felt the same way about them as I do my own, so I’m aware this is probably unfair but I just can’t stop myself. Does anyone else feel like this?

[Winosaurus]

My DD is mine... I’ve raised her from day 1 on my own (her father lives on the other side of the world) but my DS is from my ExH. My DP has two DDs and I always hoped when I met my life partner that they would step up and be the father figure I had always hoped my DD would have.
However his youngest is only a year older than her and is extremely jealous so it’s not really happened yet. It hurt at first but then I realised they have a nice friendship, he’s always kind and thoughtful to her and that is all I can really ask for.
I do not want to be a mother figure to his DDs - again I like them, care for them when they’re here etc but I have no desire to be a parent to them... I’m more their buddy, dad is their parent and I help out where I can.
I suppose it’s difficult for me because my DD is with us full time, all living together. My DS goes off to his DF’s and DSDs live mainly at their DM’s... so that leaves my DD with just us so I sometimes expect him to fill a role he hasn’t asked for. He has this massive fear of upsetting his kids and so had put up a barrier with mine.
The relationship between DD and DP is happening organically though over time. She definitely sees him as a father (because she’s never had one - I’m guessing her expectations are non-existent) but he doesn’t really see her as his DD. But like I said I can’t be annoyed because I don’t feel maternal towards his kids tbh, but then again I see them 4 days a month and they come here to spend time with DP so it’s hard to build up that bond.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Thanks Wino for your honest answer. I know I’m being unreasonable in expecting him to feel the same about mine.. It’s just this irrational feeling! When you say his dd is jealous, do you think he’s stepped back from your dd in order not to upset his own dd? Like yours, my dh also has a massive fear of upsetting his kids.

My dh provides financially and practically for my children but I’d give that up in heartbeat for him to love them as if they were his.

[Winosaurus]

Yes 100% he has resisted being overly involved or bonding with my DD because his youngest is insanely jealous. Even with her older sister she gets annoyed if DP hugs her or sits next to her, she has to be his princess. She was a very insecure little girl but it seems to be getting better and she seems happier, which in turn has positively affected the relationship between my DD and DP xx

[TempusEejit]

If your DH's mother (or ) had to move in with you because she needed care would you expect to love her like you do your own mother? Just because the people you're talking about are dependent children doesn't magically transform them into people you can expect others to love as much as you do. It sounds like your DH does love them, maybe just not as much as if he was their actual parent. Of course loving them like his own might come given enough time or if he was there from when they were babies, but if it doesn't then it's not a failing on your DH's part. The main thing is that he treats your DC in a loving way with fairness and kindness, I think that's all you can ask for really.

[SandyY2K]

@TempusEejit

I agree with you. It's unrealistic to expect a stepparent to love your child like their own.

I think this situation is more the case when the actual father of the child isn't in their lives...there's a desire to want your DP/DH step into that role.

I also find it unreasonable to expect the grandparents to treat the children exactly the same as their own grandchildren and getting upset when they don't.

[TempusEejit]

I agree Sandy. I'd go so far as to say that the expectation to love stepchildren as your own belittles the concept of parental love, I mean how special can that bond be between parent and child if that depth of love could and should be expected from those who aren't blood related? (adoption excepted because in those cases the child is legally yours).

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Winosaurus so pleased to hear things getting easier. Tempus yes he does more for my children practically than a lot of dads. I know I’m being unfair, I just need ways to lower my expectations, or i’ll risk my marriage, our great life and my kid’s all round amazing stepdad.

[Winosaurus]

It’s does get better... but I also have realistic expectations. Does it really matter if he truly loves her? As long as DD is happy and feels cared for - does your DH have to feel like her father?
I don’t think I’d ever be capable of loving any other children as much as my own two, but I have it in me to love my SDs like I love my nieces and nephews

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Funnily enough he parents my dd, they have more or less a dad/daughter relationship and she adores him. It’s my ds (teen) who’s sensitive, needs a dad and feels both unwanted by his dad and not his stepdad’s priority either! I guess I’m just a little sensitive too. Thanks for listening!