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Wwyd when dps ex tries to cause problems with everything

(20 Posts)
CinnamonAndSpice Sun 10-Dec-17 20:33:19

So he obtained a court order with set times and dates as was one step forward too steps back with everything... All sorted or so we thought
Very occasionally on his weekend he has to work a sat morning till maximum 12pm. So DSD stays with me.. Which his ex has created about. But it's OK to let what was my home be the home for dsd etc. But as the court said what he does with his dd is his choice he's her parent and it's not causing harm.. So done and dusted

He or myself take his dd to her Saturday club. Which again is fine. We have no issues.. However we get told late Fri night that she has a show the Saturday to be prepared for.. Why couldn't she of given notice

Everything for sch, newsletters etc we received via email.. But things like sch photos they supply one copy to her mum and it's up to her mum to show us and let us order.. We asked she said no.!

School play. Is two tickets per child so In my eyes dp should go with his ex and have a ticket each. She's said no nanny is going!

Then today. The court order states in school holidays spring break is 5 nights not to be joined on his weekend (as building his dd up.)
Summer then going forward each holiday its 5 additional consecutive nights. Which either way would be Sunday to Fri (5) night then his norm fri to Sunday =7 in total.
Or would mean his Fri to Sunday 2 nights then keep her 5 nights from Sun to Fri.. Which was stated in court.
The court order does NOT state its not to be joined onto his weekend.
She has gone bat shit crazy today saying the 5 additional summer nights should include his 2 norm nights so would be Fri to weds!

So he's got to get a copy of the transcript and is going to contact cafcass guy to clarify, then if need be go back to court.
He has done everything by the book, never ever let his dd down. His ex booked a Saturday club knowing it would cut into his time with her.. Which imo she should discussed to check OK.

How would you go about trying to stay amicable? , every text has a please or thanks or if that's OK etc.. He gets ignored.
He's tried to give 8/9 months notice of holiday dates he has from. Work to have his dd, and he gets ignored.
And each time he drops and collects his dd there's always an audience, may that be a neighbour, parents, the newest boyfriend. All blatantly trying to be little in some way.
Any positive experiences with this sort of thing?
Genuine advice needed as this has been going on over two years.
We've thought about recordings etc but that seems too far. He's kept all texts, to show he gets ignored if needed and to show he's trying in every way to be amicable..

Does it get better? Or are some people just like this? Eden after two years!
I'm so confused as although my relationship with my ex isn't brilliant, but we've always been amicable I. E we both take DS abroad, we swap weekends if needed for whatever reason etc.

OP’s posts: |
LineyRunner Sun 10-Dec-17 20:38:27

I can't see the age of your partner's daughter. Sorry if I missed it.

CinnamonAndSpice Sun 10-Dec-17 20:44:11

Sorry she's nearly 7

OP’s posts: |
CinnamonAndSpice Sun 10-Dec-17 21:04:53

Nearly 6! ( in 3 weeks) stupid me had 6 on the brain then was thinking oh her birthday would be 7..doh

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NorthernSpirit Sun 10-Dec-17 21:06:50

I feel your pain.

I’m also a SM and my OH’s EW is extremely difficult, despite a contact order. It’s control on the mothers part. These women are so emotionally damaged they can’t see past their own bitterness.

As you say, what you do on your time has nothing to do with the mother. My OH’s EW has also been given the same warning in court.

WRT the Sat club / show. Rise above it. The mother does it to exhert control. Rise above it and don’t fuel her fire.

We also had the same with the school. Mother refused to let father attend parents evenings etc. Your OH should register himself with the school - he has the same rights to attend events and be informed as the mother. If the school refuses take it up with the LA.

The mother sounds unreasonable WRT contact. My OH’s nutty EW is the same. Won’t let my OH have the children for a minute longer than is stated in the order and anything that’s ambiguous of course always works in her favour. Take her back to court if the stays are ambiguous - it’s the only way. You can’t deal with these women. Your OH can represent himself.

I would say it gets easier with time. The kids were 4 & 7 when my OH’s contact order was first issued. They are now 9 & 12 and they want to know why their mum won’t let them speak or see their dad. We never say a bad word about their mum. The kids are starting to work things out for themselves.

Good luck.

CinnamonAndSpice Sun 10-Dec-17 21:12:07

Thank you he is registered with the school. To. Go to parents eves etc.
But things like school play tickets is two per child no exceptions due to health and safety so it should be dp and his ex who attended, she is their daughter it's infuriating.
It's the children that get hurt in this as they want to see mummy and daddy talk nice to each other.
Her parents said to his parents last yr. Well we want him out of the child's life. They thought it was a load of hot air. But I'm starting to think thy are that deranged that they meant it.

OP’s posts: |
NorthernSpirit Sun 10-Dec-17 21:48:45

I’d to the school and explain the situation. Ask them to take it in turns with tickets or issue one to each parent? My OH’s EW won’t attend any events with her EX - she sounds the same? Ask her what her suggestion is?

Her parents sound lovely. My OH has to deal with similar. Detach yourself. You don’t know what the EW has said to them and they will support their daughter. Kids as they get older make their own minds up.

You can’t rationalise with these women. They so so damaged they can’t see past their bitterness. Get as much as you can formalised. And don’t give her any space in your head, she doesn’t deserve it.

CinnamonAndSpice Sun 10-Dec-17 21:56:52

Thanks that's a great idea for doing alternative years for play tickets. Dp said he'll email school tomorrow to ask. He's got a list of calls to make tomorrow to have as much formal stuff and as much info as he can as it seems she even act's up even with a court order. It seems she just can't get used to the fact he can do what he wants with dd in his time and that he has a say. And that maybe is hard for her.

OP’s posts: |
NorthernSpirit Sun 10-Dec-17 22:17:00

It’s control on the mothers part. She still thinks she can control your partner and the situation. As time moves on it does get better.

These women thrive on drama. It fuels their fire. Don’t let it get to you. Karma is a wounderful thing.

AllTheWayDown Tue 12-Dec-17 10:48:51

I know this was a couple of days ago now.
Dh's ex is exactly the same. Dsd is 11 and me and dh have been together since she was 3 and his ex is still the same! She was worse with me at first, I just put that down to another woman being round her child.. something that I imagined would be hard for anyone.
But even now he'll ask to have her an extra few hours if we're going to be out but she'll say no, he has to drop her back at the exact same time. Dsd will even ask her Mum to stay here an extra night in the half term and her Mum will have a go at her for asking. She'll book stuff for dsd to do on the weekends she's at ours and tell us a week earlier 'dsd has this to do on this weekend, hope that's ok but she can't back out now'
However if she wants her back earlier he gets text saying he has to drop her back at this time as she's going out. If dsd ever wants to do anything in the weekend she's at her mums she has to ask her Mum or dh has to swap the weekend. Sadly there's no court order in place as we can't afford to go to court so he just has to rise above it all. Dsd is realising what's happening though and always says she wants more time with us however she's scared to say anything to her Mum as she will most likely just get told
Off for saying it then dh accused of making her say it.
With regards to the school, dsd is at secondary now so it's not as easy but when she was in primary dh spoke to the head teacher and explained the situation so he got a copy of everything sent to our house, school photos to order, school reports, letter about school trips, letters about school plays and tickets sent to our house, separate times for parents evening. The school were really good about it all. Maybe your dh could do that?

Runlovingmummy81 Tue 12-Dec-17 18:58:26

I've got a contact order and the school issue 2 of everything, do school pics, letters about events etc. The school play we get 2 for the am and 2 for the pm, they get split between us. My ex husband is bitter beyond belief so it's him that we have difficulty with in terms of arranging holidays despite the court order. He just repeats himself until he gets what he wants. Interesting to read the kids start to see what they are like as they get older. I'm hoping mine do.

lifeandtheuniverse Tue 12-Dec-17 19:41:34

Allthewaydown - Something i imagine would be hard for anyone.

You have no idea and your comment if you have not had to do it, is patronising beyond belief.

AllTheWayDown Tue 12-Dec-17 20:00:31

@lifeandtheuniverse I apologise, I'm not sure how it was patronising but I didn't mean it to come across that way at all. I just meant I was trying to have a bit of empathy as it's easy to criticise someone when you haven't been in their situation.

lifeandtheuniverse Tue 12-Dec-17 20:16:15

apology accepted! - To watch the twunt who had caused you pain and your children then try to pretend everything is normal and having to accept his rules etc is something unless you have experienced you can not understand. When that is the OW it is even harder.

Nothing can explain how hard it is - OW phoned me to tell me tat now she was their other mother, she did not agree on my rules on food ( valid medical reason) and she would do what she liked ergo make your child ill - no one can understand how powerless you feel.

You can not empathasise

CinnamonAndSpice Tue 12-Dec-17 21:42:46

Thanks for your continued replies.
It got worse over weekend as in court the judge told him to give his ex the dates he can book off. She's refused that week. Without valid reason. She's tried to say shes m organised holiday club. But it's too early to book that for August 2018.
He has now said. I have a court order. I will be having her on the stated dates and times. If you do not comply you will be in breach of the order.
She's replied I'm seeing my solicitor!

Brick - head - hard place lol

OP’s posts: |
NorthernSpirit Tue 12-Dec-17 22:13:24

The line ‘i’m seeing my solicitor’ is a standard one, and more fool here as it’s circa £50 an hour / £20 a letter.

She sounds totally unreasonable.

If she breaks the order, refuses contact then your partner can very easily take her to court. He can self represent himself. The mother needs to have breached the order 3 times to go to court, but once there the mother will have to explain herself. Judges are very pro contact nowadays.

My OH’s EW was totally inflexible, continually broke the contact order (for example the dad is only ‘allowed’ to phone the children 3 set days a week at a certain time. If for some reason he is unable to call (he’s stuck in a work meeting etc) he asks her how if he can call at a later time, she always says no. She however doesn’t make the children available for the call and she doesn’t care.

You can’t deal with these unreasonable women. Take her back to court, it’s the only way.

The last time my OH took his EW to court, the judge threatened to take the children away from her and they would live with the dad. We still get vitriolic emails but in the whole she behaves herself since then.

Bananasinpyjamas11 Tue 12-Dec-17 23:47:26

Isn’t it the ‘grey rock’ response that they advise for people in domestic abuse situations that can help calm drama?

Basically, don’t get sucked in.

Only respond with facts or need to know information - any changes don’t respond but just carry on to the letter of the court order.

Any of her mucking this about, just stay calm, don’t engage, no texting a lot, just like a broken record repeating the court order. Note down when she does muck up everything and keep a record, but don’t get mad.

Post above from Northern has good advice on what to do.

Any stuff from the school, contact the School directly but calmly, ask to be copied in.

In the meantime, focus on the kids and having fun, not her! She’ll drain you.

SandyY2K Fri 15-Dec-17 00:04:10

When the new step mum was the OW I can understand the resentment...if not then it does seem like a lot of difficult Ex wives.

CinnamonAndSpice Fri 15-Dec-17 12:45:21

Definitely not OW at all. smile just plain jealousy maybe

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Nosleepforthewicked Tue 19-Dec-17 21:29:57

I'm a stepmum and my husband and I have had so many issues with my DSD's mum. She regularly contradicts herself and will hound us for an argument. My husband ended up getting a phone purely for contact with her. She would regularly harass him otherwise. She hates this but it creates a boundary. There have been umpteen issues over the years- we would need to get together over wine for me to go into it ! However I've gone at it from every angle... at one point it was mostly me whom she had contact with and we got on reasonably well until she decided to create yet more problems. On reflection, I can see that she struggles with control. She will probably always have control with regards to our ss but as our family has grown, her drama matters much less. Although i think she found this difficult- that she couldnt have any impact on our family (attempted trouble caused there too! ) I had to change my number when she started to cause trouble with me. Contact between her and my husband is very minimal and purely through text.
I don't see our situation ever changing really because it's more to do with her own issues and there's little we can do about that. However, YOU will change and the way you deal/cope will change. There are times where I still get that ball of anxiety in my stomach when there's a message from her but as I say- not as often.
cakewineflowersginbrew here's some supplies wink

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