Help me make sense of this

[Racmactac]

I am really really struggling to know what the right things to do is.

I have 3 ds, 1 lives with his dad (low contact with me) and the other 2 live with me. I split from dad 5 years ago, he was emotionally and verbally abusive. .

I have been with dp for 4 years, he lives with us. He does lots of family stuff with us and has fantastic relationship with youngest.
Very hands on, do lots of fun things together.

Things have been rocky, ds dad has caused us an awful lot of grief over the years. Shit to the kids and threats to me, has been court proceedings.

Dp has said things to the children about their dad. He has told them off when they have been naughty.

I now have a very unhappy middle child who is threatening to live with his dad because he hates dp

Is this normal for kids to hate step parents in this way.

I can't work out if I am being manipulated by a child because he doesn't like being told off and he's having a tantrum. Or am I at risk to loosing ds to his dad.

I've lost sight of everything and my head is very muddled as to what to do for the best.

[usernameavailable]

Many people will disagree with me. But my DP will tell my eldest DD off. He is her stepdad. However, it depends on how your DP tells your children off. Is it too much? More than what you would do?
The main concern here is your DP should not be talking to the children about their dad in a negative way! My DP and ex cannot stand each other. Yet they will never be negative about each other to DD. It is almost making the child 'take sides'
Your DC will never accept your DP fully if they feel they need to take sides.

[Tinselistacky]

You need a family meeting to discuss house rules!!
Make it clear to dc that different houses function in different ways and what may be OK at df isn't necessarily OK at your home. But both sets of rules need to be stuck to and all can be well!!
Ask dc how they want tho gs to run at both places and make changes if necessary. Maybe dp is out of line if they feel he is trying to be a df when they already have one in their eyes - but make it known adults have to be respected also, a parent or not! But the slating exh needs to stop!!

[Racmactac]

I have made it very clear that it needs to stop and it has come to crunch time. I don't think ds trusts him anymore though.

Dp feels that ds will never be happy and always blame him for everything

I feel stuck in the middle and want to run away but of course I can't.

[NorthernSpirit]

Your partner should not be saying things to the children about their dad. It’s not his place and he is putting your children in a very difficult situation.

My OH’s EW is a complete nutcase. Stops contact when she feels like it (despite a formal contact order). Swears at the dad at drop offs and pick ups, tells the children she loves them more than the dad..... I could go on. My OH, their dad and me never ever stoop to her level or say anything to the children about their mum. The children love her and it’s not our place.

Your OH has a right to discipline the children (as long as you agree and is in line with your parenting).

Children do play homes off each other. You need to sit the child down and set the rules and boundaries.

[Gem2018london]

I don't think it's completely 'normal' for your child to 'hate' their step parent. (I had a step parent, so did my partner and I am a step parent myself. There will definitely be more to it then being 'told off'). If the middle child wants to move in with their Dad, then I would let them. You aren't 'losing' them. The child has 2 parents, he can live with either one and still maintain a relationship with the other. Just be supportive of them and I would try and make the middle child feel as a happy and comfortable in their home as possible by getting to the bottom of the strong dislike of their step parent. Hope all goes well