BM and SM. Need advice.

[choosingpeace]

Hello all,

Unsure of the abbreviations being used so please bear with me. I'm a bm of 3 girls (ages 20, 13 and 11) I became a single mom in 2009. And remained as such until 2014. Now I'm also a sm of 4 children (ages 26 boy, 17 girl, 13 boy and 11 girl) I have so many things I could ask for advice about but today is concerning my bio kids stepmom. She has been involved in children's lives for 5 years. After 8 years into this divorce I'm still very mentally exhausted. My exh and I had a very unhealthy relationship, him being very verbally abusive and at times physical. not that any of this matters anymore I just want to coparent in peace. sm and exh have eow, shared holidays, and more time in the summer. My 21d and 11d both don't see exh at this point due to break down in the relationships. Only 13d goes on his parenting time. None of which has been influenced by me (although I am the one blamed). Anyway on to the issue Im choosing to address first. Stepmom has been very up and down. There have been times we have gotten along fine. But has said very harmful things to my children over the last 5 years all of which either myself or the kids have shared with father. Things such as their older sister shouldn't have been born and has shared with them that their dad never loved me and didn't want more kids but I sneakingly went off my birth control to trap him into 2 more kids. Implying they really shouldn't have been born either. This is not mentioning the horrible things she has directed at me which I prefer to my kids being the target. She just recently became a mother herself so I was hoping for a change but she almost seems worse.

I couldn't begin to share all the hurtful things that have been forced on my kids in this first post. So I'm reaching out to bm and sm both for any similiar situations and what you did to best deal with this kind of treatment? All kids at one time or another have been in counseling as well as myself. But I'm tired of my kids hurting. I'm tired of hurting. And I have no hope of it ever stopping. We as parents and step parents mess up continually, sometimes even loose our cool, but I can't and never will understand blatant emotional abuse.

Btw, I have a great relationship with all stepkids.

[TwoDots]

I don't for one minute think her behaviour is acceptable. Quite the opposite actually. No matter how much you don't like someone, when there are kids involved you keep it to yourself/partner/close friends

Just to try and gain understanding, can you think of a reason why she might resent you so much?

[choosingpeace]

TwoDots, thank you for response.

I've racked my brain for understanding, there are a few things. 1) she is young, she came into situation with exh at age 21 and had no children at the time (she is only 6 years older than my oldest daughter) 2) exh is not an involved parent and I think she was often stuck with the responsibity during his parenting time. (Not much time mind you) 3) her and my exh have a very disfunctional relationship (I was in her shoes for 15 years so I get this one the most) so she is very very insecure. 4) just this year she gave birth to twins (wasn't suppose to be able to have kids) 14 weeks early. The baby girl did not make it but baby boy is home now and as far as I know doing good. Has to be on oxygen but progressing. This one has softened me the most to trying to understand where she's coming from...hoping herself becoming a birth mother would even help her to understand what she was doing to my little loves. But this has made her even worse, very verbal about the ex having the boy he's always wanted and how he was actually excited for this child, etc. 5) her and I have had words, I have a very awesome support system, and for the most part can be talked into not stooping to her level but admit that at times I had reached my limit and let her have it and stuck up for my children. But even then she can't address the issue and only feels the need to let me know ex hated life with me, how I tricked him into more kids, etc. I feel I'm honestly dealing with 2 people with personality disorders.


Sooooo even putting this all in perspective I still can't wrap my mind around purposely emotionally abusing children. I've read book after book about dealing and coparenting with toxic exs. Books on forgiveness. Books on letting go of anger, control, you name it. Many a hour in a therapist chair. and really close family and friends to vent to. But I'm still suffering, so decided maybe finding someone who has dealt with the same thing can help me better. Ultimately I would prefer none of my kids should go (2 already don't) but I believe it should be their choice.

[wheresthel1ght]

If your exh was abusive to you it is probably a safe bet that he has spun her a huge story about your part in the breakdown of the relationship. She is probably convinced he is telling the truth and as such it will colour her opinion of you.

That doesn't excuse her behaviour but it might help you understand where it comes from. I
My exh and I never had kids (I was told I was infertile in my late teens and he had virtually non existent spermicide count) and after I left him for being emotionally and financially abusive he told the world that I left him because he could not have kids. We got together knowing neither could have kids so his claims were bullshit but that didn't stop some of my closest friends believing him. Some men can be incredibly believable!

The other 2 have obviously seen through it and ceased contact, your 13 year old will get there.