How to help my step-son?

[ButterfliesFlutter]

Hi all,
So.......I'm not sure whats steps to take to help my step-son or make his mum or my husband see what needs to be done. Both of them treat him like he's an adult, he's 9 years old, and they're creating a monster. My husbands/his mums discipline is inconsistant & his mother seems to just like point scoring (although my husband has done this before) and I find is disgusting behaviour. I've been in his life for nearly all his life. My husband and i have gone on to have other children, as has my step-sons mum & her husband. We didn't see him for 18 months as his mum cut all contact. She told my husband that she'd rather he had nothing to do with him. I said he should sort it out between themselves & if not, mediation and then family court for the child. It isnt about them & how they feel about eachother. Her husband has been abusive to her in the past & my SS has told me that he has witnessed this. I dont know if this still happens as we have only just starting seeing him again. The first visit was fine & we went on after a few times of having him over for sleepovers. My SS had his birthday & his mum got him a phone. My SS came over for a few days. On the first day we had family over so all was happy & the kids played well. The next morning, mum rings SS phone & asks if he wants to stay here again, he said yes. I dont think that a child of 9 should be making that decision. I believe that both parents (mainly the parent that the child resides with most of the time) should make these decisions. Later that day, about 3, my SS asked if we were going out. I said no, we're staying in today. He replied with, "well i aint come here to sit in so if you dont take me out, im ringing my mum to pick me up."
I told him that in this house, children dont make the rules & he will not be going home because i wont do what he wants. He continued to say he was ringing his mum because i wont take him out. I told him to speak to his dad. He spoke to his dad, cried & then calmed down. Later that evening, he said he'd stay over again but if he wanted to go home, he'd ring his mum. My husband and I both told him that he is more than welcome to stay again but he will not decide what time he will go when he isnt doing what he wants and that is something for parents to sort out. He had a cry at bedtime but i comforted him & said that the next day he was going home to mum so would see her then. Next day, we all wake up happy & take the kids out for a few hours bowling. My husband didnt go as he was working. SS was happy at first because he was winning. Then, one of the kids won the game & his personality changed straight away. Clenching his fists, gritted teeth, storming off. I called him over & asked him to sit down and calm down. He was rude to me, shouted at me, swore. We all left & started to get the kids in the cars. SS got in car & started to cry. I asked him what was wrong. He said that the child that had won had rubbed it in his face & he was angry & wanted to hurt them. He said he wasnt coming over anymore because i told him off & got everyone involved. This was all said again with clenched fists & in an aggressive tone. I asked him to not speak to me like that & he should be grateful that we all went out as it was someones birthday. When we got back home, my husband was back from work at this point. He asked my SS what the matter was and he told him that i had screamed & shouted in his face the whole time we were out. Made fun of him because he lost. Let all the other children make fun of him. It was a total lie. I'm just so glad that i had another adult to witness it all so they could say it was all made up. This has not been the first instance this had happened. Im at my wits end. My husband doesnt think its a problem most of the time, he did ring his ex to discuss his behaviour this time though. She told him that she wouldnt have let me take him bowling as she knew what would have happened. She told my husband that he wont speak to him or his Step dad like that but he always does it to her. He speaks to me like this & lies about me too. He doesn't like playing with any of the girls in the family. If i tell everyone to play nicely together, he'll question why. Is this normal behaviour? Does anyone think that it has to do with the step dad abusing his mum? Im genuinely worried about how he's seeing this behaviour & preceiving it to be normal to treat any female this way? He has told me before that I am here to be a slave to men & i should serve my husband. We were both gobsmacked when he said it. Its apparent that his behaviour is worse since the gap in seeing him. The first time he came over, we had a family gathering and he tried to fight another child. Ive tried talking to his mum about it all & she blames my husband. He most definately could play a bigger role in his life. They both like to play the blame game instead of speaking amicably for the sake of their child. Im always met with, "its got nothing to do with you, you're not his mum." I know that. I just dont understand her. I have his best interests at heart. Im asking that he abides by the same rules as his brother & sisters have to. We do not tolerate any type of bad behaviour in this house & there will be consequences i.e. removing ps4/phone/tv, being sent to room to think about behaviour. I always expect an apology. My SS is not a bad child. Once here for a few days, he gets into the swing of knowing the wrong & right things to do normally. I think it may have gone beyond this point now tho, i have never seen so much aggression, swearing & rude behaviour from such a young child. And i especially don't agree with giving him free reign on when & where hes going when he wants to. Dad dropped him home last night & mum smiled when he told her their son had been threatening to ring mum & go home when i didnt do what he wanted. Is there anything i can do to help the situation. I dont want to be constantly reading the rule book to him when hes here. I dont want him dislike me. This home is just as much his as it is the others. I dont want him to feel left out. Unloved. Like he doesnt belong. Im just guessing his behaviour is down to this/what might be going on at home. He told my husband that step dad doesnt like him & only likes his little brothers. I take it with a pinch of salt at times as he has lied about me before but something is triggering this destructive behaviour? Any helpful suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[Needsomeflapjacks]

For starters his phone gone in a top cupboard for two duration of his stay. As you say it's adults who make the decisions not a dc. .
Have a house rules meeting to confirm to him your expectations regarding behaviour /helping put in the home - he isn't a guest it is his home also.
Your dh needs to grow a pair and assist in the parenting of his own ds!!
Don't get into discussions about his dm rules, stress not the same rules for this house. .
Don't forget to put fun stuff on your list too. If he is the elder of the dc make a big thing about him having a later bedtime. Even if it's only half an hour. . He needs to feel he has a bonus as the oldest - it was a big hit with dealing with bad behaviour for my ds years ago.

[ButterfliesFlutter]

Thank you. I'm definately going to try the later bed time. He is the eldest & I'm hoping it will make him feel just as important. He definately needs reassuring & i praised him alot over the weekend when i could see he was getting frustrated but calmed himself down rather than blowing up. All done away from the ears of others so he didn't feel people were hearing it.
He took his plate out when finshed dinner etc so he did his bit, like i expect from the others.
The phone being put away is a good idea too. By day 3 (going back home to mum day) my dh put it in ss overnight bag and refused to charge it. He said if there was an emergency, mum & him both have eachothers numbers. Think I'll be sticking to that one.
And you hit the nail on the head with my dh. I've been saying this for years. I love my ss to pieces & feel as though i have played a far more active role in his life than my dh has. Under appreciated doesnt come close to describing how i feel when im thrown out of the loop and ignored when all i want is the best for him.
Thanks for replying, i'll definately take on board everything you said.

[swingofthings]

Is there anything i can do to help the situation.
Yes, step away from the situation and let -or it sounds more like force- his dad to act like a parent. At the moment, it sounds like you are doing more parenting than his dad is and that's what he is rebelling against.

This poor kid was taken away from his dad for 18 months, now his dad is back in his life but... isn't really. I expect his aggression is the expression of his frustration, disappointment and feeling like life has moved on since he was last part of the family.

You seem to mean well and care, but by doing so, you are putting into the situation of being the disciplinarian and that's not right. The comment about him not making the rules about going out or not should have come from his dad, with potentially you then stepping in with comments, but it sounds like it went the other way around. Even at 9yo, that would be very frustrating.

[ButterfliesFlutter]

You're right. Sometimes I feel that I am the only one that disciplines him & I don't want to. I want him to see me as a 'parent' figure with the fun but without me stepping on anyones toes.
If there is a situation, do I ask him to speak to his dad? Or ask dad to speak to ss? I don't want him to think I'm brushing him off as its been this way for some time.

[swingofthings]

I think you need to speak to your OH and tell him that you expect him to take over being the lead parent when his son comes to see him and that you will only act to back him up.

Really, ideally, you shouldn't have him when he is working. Maybe later, when things have settle and he feels more part of the family and will accept your disciplining better, but until then, his dad should be there to look after him.

Don't forget there might be an element of jealousy as your children get to enjoy their dad more and have a mum who offer stability, something that he is probably craving but not getting.

I expect the incident about your kids mocking him is just a matter of expression. Your kids are probably confident, so it is ok amongst them to make little comments that won't be perceive as teasing, but he, probably suffering from low(er) self-esteem will interpret some words or expressions as exactly that.

[ButterfliesFlutter]

Thanks swingofthings!
I spoke to dh last night & have both agreed that he needs to be more available to ss & when he's over, dh will not be going to work. I stressed my concerns about ss not having respect for women (i am only assuming this is to do with the abuse mum gets at home) and have stressed that me not being his mum & the main disciplinarian is only making his view of women stronger. It's time he stepped up & tried his best to break the negative view point & turned it into a positive one. He needs praise when being good and dealing with problems without aggression. However, he needs his dad to steer him on the right path when he hasn't behaved as he should. Dh is worried that mum will stop contact/ss will not want to come over. I have explained to him that if he speaks to mum fairly & neither point blame, the only way is up. There is no room for being pig headed from either parent. Still very frustrated, i know we all differ on how to bring up children. Can't understand how 2 parents can see what they are both doing to their child and are ignoring it. It took alot of talking to him to address this with ss mum. She pointed the finger at dh. He blamed her. I'm really hoping that they can come together. So much of what you said made sense. I believe he is suffering from low self esteem & does not feel settled at all. Heres to things getting better 😁

[swingofthings]

Totally agree with your analysis. Hope your DP involvement and your positive attitude soon pays off although it is very possible that it does take some time to do so.

I bet in the end, it will be you he will have more love and respect for when he becomes an adult.