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(10 Posts)
struggling23 Thu 11-May-17 16:20:14

Hi All,
I'm new to this site and was just looking for some opinions to see if I am being reasonable or going crazy.
Would you live with your DP who has full custody of their 3 children, boy- 5, girl- 3, girl 10.
DP had vasectomy after 3rd and is not willing to have any more children ever, not even consider it.
I am not sure if I want children but I would like the choice and I feel that the choice has been taken away from me.
The mother sadly passed away over a year ago which is why he now has full custody.
I am 30 and DP is 6 years older.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Many thanks

user1486334704 Thu 11-May-17 16:29:51

You are taking a lot on. However your relationship with your stepchildren to be is likely to be less tumultuous without the common problems associated with stepparenting where the SM clashes with the real mum, particularly with the children involved being so young (please - I am not for a second suggesting it is anything but terribly tragic that the mother of the three children has passed away).

Vasectomies are reversible - but only if your DP wants it to be which sounds at the moment like its not perhaps the case at the moment. If you're as yet undecided, but there is a possibility that you do want children (I couldn't abide the thought of kids until I was in my early thirties, then wanted one so much with my second husband we went through Vas reversal and 4 cycles of ivf) whatever you do DONT carry on in this relationship believing you can 'change his mind'.

I'm sure you already have but how about a 'nonholds barred' honest discussion about how you both see your future and what you 'expect' or want from one another.

There is the potential for a lot of resentment if he wants you to help raise his three children but won't have one with you.

Good luck xxx

swingofthings Thu 11-May-17 18:23:14

It is much much too soon to be considering moving in together. Please don't consider it. His wife/partner died only a bit over a year ago so they probably haven't fully grieved anyway, and then surely you can't have been together long to have reached the stage of being confident that you can move in together and make it work for everyone.

Whether you want to continue in a relationship that would mean that long term, you would need to take on 3 children and not being able to have your own, only you can decide.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 11-May-17 18:31:54

I really wouldn't rush into this. Do you stay often? Before you commit to moving in you actually need to get a feel for the dynamics of looking after three children and all that it entails.

Have you discussed who will be doing what in terms of house keeping etc? Three children generate laundry and mess enough to keep you on your toes well after work is over!

Lunar1 Thu 11-May-17 18:51:27

I wouldn't live with a man and three children who lost their mum just over a year ago. I can't imagine anything worse for those children. At least their dad isn't entertaining the idea of more children!

Wdigin2this Sat 13-May-17 08:48:47

Take a step back, don't even consider moving in yet! Spend short bursts of time with them as a family, to see how you/they feel. See if it's possible to have one night a week together, (providing a reliable babysitter is available) where you can just be a couple, take it from there....don't rush it!

llhj Sat 13-May-17 08:54:49

Move on from this. There's no future here. He doesn't want more children, his choice. You possibly will. Complicated situation where you're giving everything and him nothing. Just why?

neonrainbow Sat 13-May-17 09:02:53

If you want children of your own and he won't consider it then no. Don't waste your time on him. Step parenting is extremely difficult. Don't put yourself through it if you're not sure that this relationship has legs. Think forward 5 years, you now want children. He still doesnt but you're now stuck having invested 5 years and you now find it difficult to leave. In any event its way too soon to move in.

swingofthings Sat 13-May-17 09:38:38

* Complicated situation where you're giving everything and him nothing. Just why?*
How do we know who is giving what? Maybe he does have a lot to give and OP little. My friend took on three kids under the age of 5 when she got with her partner (and she was only 18!). The mother did a runner. He didn't tell her that they would never have a child together but said that he couldn't promise it as they couldn't afford 4 (before tax credits). She still went for it.

They will soon be celebrating their 35 years marriage. In the end, they did have another child, but she accepted when she went into it that she might not. She treated the kids just as if they were hers and they see her as their mum. She gave a lot to the relationship, but so did her husband and the kids.

I'm not saying that OP should go ahead. She clearly has doubts if she is posting here and I definitely it is much too soon, but I find it very unfair to assume that she would be giving everything and have nothing to gain from it.

llhj Sat 13-May-17 10:06:32

This man has explicitly declared he doesn't want more children. She may. So she's being asked to subsume her potential desires for him. I don't really see how your comparison is valid? In your case, he was prepared to consider it. When someone tells you who they are and what they want, believe them!

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