Drained and stressed! Help!

[user1483721421]

I was in my previous relationship for 4.5yrs, we were engaged and had a beautiful little boy together (as well as my daughter from a previous relationship). I met my ex partner when my daughter was about 18 months old, my son was born a year later, from birth he had difficulties which then became multiple disabilities and he unfortunately passed away at 3.5yrs old after a 6 month fight in Hospital, my daughter was approaching her 6th Birthday and has always been exceptionally bright so had a much deeper understanding of what was happening than I would have liked. When my son was released on Palliative Care his father became very aggressive and mean towards me, he pushed me up against cupboards so i couldn't get away from arguments, he even said he would "put a f**king lock on the cupboard" to stop me eating because of 'the state of me' (I was a size 10!). All of this on top of our son being so critically ill was destroying me, he then began to tell me I'd never have another relationship because I was too insecure. Soon after, I found out he had been cheating (and ironically with someone much larger than me!) throughout our son's Hospital stay. His behaviour got progressively worse towards me and my daughter but I allowed him to stay at the house because we didn't know how long our son had to be with us and we had only the two of us caring for him as no carers had been provided. After our son passed away, he sat my daughter down and asked her if she wanted him to leave, she said that because of how sad he made me, she did... he had been her father figure for most of her life (he was a SAH Dad while I worked because I couldn't drive our son to appointments and he could) and he just walked out and never spoke to her again!

A while after, I started a relationship with my now partner (of almost three years) he was AMAZING with my daughter, fantastically supportive with how we both were emotionally about my son, and extremely understanding. He used to bake with my daughter, mess about and chase her round the kitchen, run after her down the beach, have movie days on his days off when I had to work... I couldn't have asked for any more! We are both in good jobs and after discussions decided to try for a baby, I fell pregnant quickly and 41+4 long weeks later our beautiful little boy finally made an appearance! I had noticed in the later stages of my pregnancy that my partner was becoming increasingly hypercritical of my daughter and it was beginning to affect her behaviour. I didn't know how much was my hormones and me being sensitive, but 6 months later, the situation is getting worse, there is a constant atmosphere in the house, he doesn't seem at all interested in her day at school (or my day at work to be fair), he is very snappy and argumentative (he even commented on the fact his boss pointed out how argumentative he is!)... he is very good at making me feel like an incompetent child when he wants to, and insists on having full control of the finances but doesn't prioritise the bills and then leaves me to deal with the mess. When I suggest doing things more fairly he throws it in my face and says "Fine, you do it, I'll just go to work and earn the money and do nothing." (We both work full time) He makes it so uncomfortable I end up backing down. We have a three storey house and he goes down during the night to make bottles but I do all of the night feeds, I do all of the housework, every morning he stays in bed for AT LEAST half an hour while I run around getting the kids and myself ready before wandering downstairs, sitting on the sofa and playing on his phone and then snaps at me if we are running late and asks why I didn't do more the night before. (when we were both home)

My daughter is approaching her 9th birthday, she gets up at 6.30-6.45 (no alarm so it amazes me!) gets herself ready for school, she helps occupy her baby brother while I make breakfast, eats her breakfast, empties the dishwasher while I feed baby boy, takes drying out to the garage to put into the tumble dryer while I get his bag ready for the Childminder, and then helps occupy him again while I get ready for work. She also makes her bed every single morning, brings washing down and never, ever complains about helping with her brother. We have on occasion had to walk a 7 mile round trip to get his formula from the Supermarket because I don't drive (my partner does) and she does it without any complaining at all!

She has had so much to deal with losing her other brother so young, losing a father figure and despite all of this, she is doing exceptionally well at school (she is working at Year 9 Level in English despite being in Year 4 and has had a short story published) and is popular in her school. She has her moments and answers back but she is a generally amazing kid 99.9% of the time and I am ridiculously proud of her... it breaks my heart to see my partner being so cold with her and turning it back on us when I discuss it with him.

I've now got to a point where I feel like I'm at a crossroads, I have tried to discuss it with him so many times and he just makes it seem like we are the ones in the wrong... I don't think I can carry on as things are.

It breaks my heart to see my daughter being treated this way, and I am fed up of being made to feel useless. I work in a Management Accounts for a large Corporate company full time, do everything at home (except for the school run) and study part time too... 😕

Am I being unreasonable?

[Gogglerox]

No you are not being unreasonable. I had a similar situation with my ex who is also father to my son. My daughter from a previous relationship was only very little when we met and we then had our son together.
He was fine up until the latter stages of my pregnancy when all of a sudden my extremely polite, well mannered, exceptionally intelligent and very sweet natured little girl became an inconvenience and annoyance to him.
It was as if now he had his own child on the way, he didn't want my other baby in his nest.
Sad to say it never got any better and he began to even tell my daughter she wasn't allowed the same things as our son.
When I intervened in his bad treatment I was in turn bullied verbally by him. He was so aggressive, not physically but verbally and in his manner with us.
I now have 2 beautiful happy children and that bullying d*ckhead is not in our home anymore.
My confident, bright, beautiful little girl - for a short time - became a shell of herself and even started to lose her hair.
Please put your daughter first here, your son can still see his dad but your other child does not need to be made to feel unhappy.

[Gogglerox]

You are at a crossroads, but you know which direction to take xx please take the right one

[Newmother8668]

Your daughter sounds like a normal and wonderful girl. Take yourself out of this situation and maybe be a bit more cautious about your relationships. Whatever happens, protect long your children is number one. I am the same way and, as a mother, I feel stronger and more confident to put my foot down about things. As my SIL says, I'm brutally honest to my husband, but he appreciates it.

[Lunar1]

There isn't really a choice to make, your daughter deserves better. She only gets one childhood.

[BlueBlueSkies]

It sounds as if the problem is your DP, I suggest asking to have this thread moved to Relationships, you will get a lot of support there.

[Wdigin2this]

How sad and confusing for your DD! I think I'd give it one more try, getting him to talk about why his feelings for her have changed, and make it clear that his reaction will be the deciding factor, in whether or not you will continue with the relationship!
Also, I think before you have this discussion, you should explore your best options for going it alone, and do as much preparation as you think appropriate...Good Luck!

[yadayada123]

Given the OP information I tend to agree with the other posts, however I just want to pick up on one of the sentences:

(he even commented on the fact his boss pointed out how argumentative he is!)

Just a different angle, is that sentence suggesting he wasn't argumentative before at work, and now he is increasingly snappy there too? This is important as at work he is not with you and your DD so being snappy wouldn't be related to that. Is there a chance he is overwhelmed with the new baby and the change in situation and dynamic and generally stressed out?

Is there a chance he could join you in counselling to see if he could get over that feeling - I'm sure he wouldn't want to lose contact with his child or your DD