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Dsd wants to live with her mum, dp devastated!

(22 Posts)
Rizzo03 Fri 10-Feb-17 10:03:07

I feel terrible for my dp but what can he do. He has a court order for a 50/50 share. He's always been the main carer though, the stable one in both his girls lives. Their mum loves her girls I have no doubt about that but she just doesn't seem to be able to cope with them. She wants them until she has them then she can't cope, she keeps moving to different areas, different partners mixes with people who are known to do cocaine. She has a number of debt collectors after her etc etc. Dp has always been there for them getting them to school, picking them up, parents evenings on his own, dropped everything because she suddenly can't have them on her weekends I could go on and on, just giving you a picture really. Suddenly mum is single again and moving to our town she says so she can be there for her dds which is good but we also know she is actually moving away from a lot of angry people she has crossed and as I said before debt collectors, fraud squads she could even end up in prison. She is now wanting her dd2, dd1 is happy with the 50:50 arrangement.

Dp is beside himself he obviously feels rejected by his own dd after everything he's done, he has a court order, he's worried about the mums unstable life style but then he doesn't want an unhappy dd either or for her to resent him. He said he's willing to compromise and let her go for an extra night in the week and see how it goes, but that's not enough. Should he let her go or use the court order and fight for her?

QuiteLikely5 Fri 10-Feb-17 10:06:10

Use the court order. It was granted for a reason and young children aren't emotionally mature enough to make decisions about where and who they should live with.

Remain consistent and tell the child the current set up will always remain the same.

The consistency and stable home life will pay off.

Chasingsquirrels Fri 10-Feb-17 10:07:30

How old are they?

Aderyn2016 Fri 10-Feb-17 10:08:25

I think he should say no. Just because a child asks for something, it doesn't mean they should always have it. Your dp's job, as her parent, is to make the best decisions for his dc until they are grown up and can make the right choices for themselves. Clearly at this point your dsd cannot make the right choices for herself.

I also think it is better for both dc to have the same arrangement. As things stand, your dp provides stability, which the mum cannot.

OneWithTheForce Fri 10-Feb-17 10:09:16

Nope! Do not let her go. Stick to the court order. Mum is unstable. She can't provide what the girl needs and has been getting with you and DP. What age is DD2? I wouldn't even consider this tbh. It's a novelty that I wouldn't indulge because I think it's quite unhealthy for a child to know their parent will just let them live where they want at any time. It sets a precedent for a lot of chopping and changing.

Branleuse Fri 10-Feb-17 10:10:50

depends on the ages

WannaBe Fri 10-Feb-17 10:11:38

How old are they?

dowhatnow Fri 10-Feb-17 10:14:16

The younger they are, the more you should say no.

Rizzo03 Fri 10-Feb-17 10:17:22

Well she is 11 but a very young 11, and her mum can easily manipulate her. I think so too but he's feeling quite upset at the moment. It is partly that we do have some rules as there are 6 of us here as I have my own 2 dcs. So they are expected to set the table or clear up and the younger 2 have set bed times in the week. When she's at her mums there are no rules, no set bed times and also dsd will do anything for a day off school and her mum lets, we get her there. She hates doing homework and her mum doesn't make her do it were as we do so I think this is one of the reasons she wants to go live her mum.

OneWithTheForce Fri 10-Feb-17 10:19:27

My son is 11 and I wouldn't let him live with his dad if he asked to.

OneWithTheForce Fri 10-Feb-17 10:21:12

I wouldn't even let him think it's an option tbh.

Starlight2345 Fri 10-Feb-17 10:23:57

Age is very important here.. I would also add age dependent obviously..They may feel there mum needs them more because she is unstable , because she is alone DP has someone.

That said I would be very wary of even asking them. If they are in GCSE yesrs they really don't need the drama. If they are younger too young to know and certainly don't need the responsibility.

Ohdearducks Fri 10-Feb-17 10:25:07

No, don't let her go. You absolutely have to fight for her. What DD wants and what's actually good for her are two completely different things, she's too young to decide something like this and her mum is too unstable as a person and a parent.

Rizzo03 Fri 10-Feb-17 10:25:19

Also just to say, when dp went to court to get the 50/50 share, he did consider getting full custody but wanted them to see their mum so he settled for 50/50 and even though then she was causing trouble and saying her dd wanted to live with her. She just about turned up to court with no solicitor and agreed to the 50/50! We couldn't believe she didn't fight for more we were prepared for it, but maybe she knew she wouldn't win. mum has been going into the school and trying to get them on side as it's what her dd wants. It's been awful for everyone

dowhatnow Fri 10-Feb-17 10:45:08

Yes, she's far too young to make such a decision that will impact so much on her future chances.
Just keep telling her you are being cruel to be kind and that when she is older she will realise why you have done as you have, even if she thinks you are being unfair now. That you wouldn't be a good parent if you didn't insist she stays with you and adhere to the "rules" which are there because she needs them even though she doesn't want them.

Rizzo03 Fri 10-Feb-17 10:48:21

It's also a bad time for this with their sats coming up and dsd is behind a lot ! Mum is saying it's because she is missing her, we are saying it's because mum can't/doesn't get her to school or help with homework!

WannaBe Fri 10-Feb-17 10:54:06

Does she currently actually see them 50/50?

TBH this age is difficult because they're getting to an age where they know what they want, and sometimes their thoughts do change i.e. They want to be in one consistent place rather than going from one to the other. Also if the mum went to court the courts would take her views into account at this stage. Also, I would be careful about suggesting that she only wants to stay there because the rules are different. Reality is that she probably wants to stay there because it's her mum, and at eleven she wants to be close to her mum, even if that dynamic isn't normal from an adult point of view iyswim. Yes things may be different from house to house, not least because you have children and the mum doesn't, but also because you're two different families with two different ways of doing things. But that doesn't necessarily mean that in DSD's eyes one is right and the other wrong, it might just mean that because her mum is now going to be living locally she can see herself living there.

I wouldn't give her a choice at this stage though, but this needs to come from her dad. But if I were him, I would absolutely embrace the fact that her mum is now local, tell her that it's a positive thing that she now lives locally because there won't be too much driving between houses etc etc and they'll all be in the same place for school etc. But with regards to her wanting to live there full-time, I would say that given mum has just moved it's best not to change anything so as to give time for her to settle in, find work, whatever it is she's intending to do, but that it's a positive thing that both her parents now live in the same place.

And then, if she's as unstable as you say, there's a chance that she'll either move on, or get into trouble, or acquire a new partner etc and the stability will have remained for the DD's. Or there's a chance she might get her act together, but the DD's will have stayed put while she does, and things can always change as they get older.

It's a way of saying no without having to be authoritarian which is likely to make her rebell, but stil brings the point home iyswim.

Rizzo03 Fri 10-Feb-17 11:09:08

Wannabe I actually totally agree with you and it may well be she wants to be with her mum, of course she does and I think she may feel a little sorry for her being on her own too. She feels she needs her mum I think that's perfectly normal especially when in the past she has been abandoned by her mum and now her mum wants her of course she wants her mum she can't help feeling like that. I do still think though she doesn't like she's asked to do things here so I think that plays a part too. Dp has embraced the move closer as it will be easier for them, we kind of knew it may be trouble for us though. She will have shorter car journeys to school so it should be easier to get her to school. So yes we will have to see if she does settle and get her to school etc etc. Maybe she will settle but we do have a feeling she will be off again once she meets someone but we could be wrong. Dp is open minded but ATM he's thinking stick with the status quo.

Ohyesiam Fri 10-Feb-17 13:11:25

Way to young to make that sort of decision

Rizzo03 Fri 10-Feb-17 14:22:38

I just hope there's not too much trouble over it all

swingofthings Fri 10-Feb-17 20:53:44

However hurt your DP is, which is totally understandable, he really needs to take a step back, move on from taking it personally, and still be there for her. As you've said, she is probably facing conflicting feelings, some involving wanting to be there for her mum, which shows she is a caring a mum, some rebelling against discipline, which is not that unusual at her age, it is just that most don't have an option to move away from disciplining parents, and maybe some more need for one to one attention that the other children in the family.

Her wanting to move with her mum doesn't mean that she wants nothing with him though, so he needs to remember that he will still have a very important role in her life and without her realising, probably remaining her main role model. There is always a chance that she grows up very quickly and realises what she missed.

Rizzo03 Sat 11-Feb-17 10:13:37

Yes perfect sense swingofthings, I do think if she went to live with her mum she would come back of her own accord, but what if she didn't and mum didn't get her school, has all these undesirable people around her house etc etc also there is court order for a reason. I don't think dp will just let her go tbh

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