Thanks for the advice Penguins&pebbles........I am hoping that someone might be able to give some advice, I don't have any children of my own and have recently met a man with 2 (8 & 12), who now stay at our house during the week/every other weekend, although they are nice children and really do not mind having them at all, especially as I know how hard it has been for my partner not to see them everyday, I don't really know where to start, as I say they are nice kids but seems to have no boundaries set, they come and do as they please at the house (which I am pleased they feel comfortable to do) but no respect for anything including their own stuff, have the table manners of...they don't have any and to top it off speak to my partner like dirt most of the time, the younger one frequently calls him an idiot etc the older one just sits on her phone (which I know is the "thing" these days) but even when her dad tells her to put it away for a bit she just ignores him, she says she would like to live with dad as mum takes her phone off her for and hour and a half a day!! I did speak to my partner at the weekend in a round about way, he says he finds having the kids stressful as I go quiet at certain times (not intentionally but better than shouting at them all) I explained I hate the way they speak to him, their lack of respect for anything etc and that he seems oblivious to their behaviour, he says he is not oblivious but they take him saying anything as being told off and they wouldn't want to come, I know he lets them do what they do because he feels guilty, last night after the conversation the kids were there and absolutely nothing changed resulting in me being cross with him. I don't feel it is my place to tell them especially as I don't want to be the reason they don't want to come (the mother would love that!)....sorry for the ramble but really looking for advice on how to deal with this as it is all new to me, I have come to the conclusion that id have been an awful mother!!
I have no advice to offer but you have literally exactly described my situation... my DPs kids are 8 and 12 too - I could have written the OP myself!
My kids are younger, 2 and 7 - my 7 year old wouldn't speak to me the way his 8 year old does and it horrifies me that he allows it... and even if she did she certainly wouldn't get away with it!!!
He sees them far too much for it to be dismissed as "weekend dad syndrome". He has a huge role in the lives so in my opinion he should be disciplining them more and he deserves their respect.
I'm interested to see what advice others give you because I could do with it myself 😂
Call them out. I tell my SK if I hear them being disrespectful to my DP. A simple please don't speak to your father like that. If there's no apology forth coming then I say, "i don't hear an apology". I am lucky in that my DP completely backs me up and won't move forward until an apology has been received. If your DP says it doesn't matter or they don't need to apologise or he doesn't see anything wrong with what they've said then you need to detach. If he's not concerned that they have no respect for him then you don't. However, that doesn't mean that you can't instruct them not to speak to you in that way, if they do. If your DP doesn't support you in you being respected then you need to reevaluate the relationship.
Lunar1 I don't even think this length of time they've been together matters... even if it was the first time I met a child I would never find it acceptable to hear them speak to any adult disrespectfully, let alone their parent.
I've pulled up strangers kids for being rude to their parents in the supermarket and got a high-5 of the child's mum 😂
If your DP won't parent effectively then I think the two best options are:
End the relationship. It will only get worse if he doesn't put a stop to it and you will get more annoyed by it.
Live separately so that he sees the children at his own place mainly, perhaps spend some time with you.
His comment that he finds having them stressful because you go quiet suggests to me that he's not used to having to actively parent and would probably prefer someone else to do it. I wonder if his ex did most of it before?
It might be worth having another go at explaining to him why he needs to do it but really he should be capable of working it out himself.
I don't think you need to end your relationship... that's all I seem to see on these posts. That's not advice, that's walking away from a relationship you're otherwise happy with just because there are things you'd like to change, no wonder there's so many divorces these days!
I'm in the same boat as the OP, I used to let it stress me out but his children are incredibly polite and lovely to me, my children are the same and my children are also lovely to my DP. I pull his kids up on it when I see them be rude to him and they generally respect it but at the end of the day I am not their mother. I love his kids and do everything I can for them, but it's my DPs and his ExPs choice to shape the way they're raised.
Sometimes I just take a deep breath a walk away if my DP is present and they're behaving badly.
Not my circus, not my monkeys as my gran would say!
Also the reason you being quiet "stresses him out" is because he's aware they're behaving unacceptably and he's likely embarrassed by it as he knows you're seeing it too. You're not stressing him out, they are and he's trying to divert away from the real issue so he doesn't have to deal with it by disciplining.
Don't go quiet, busy yourself with something else in another room and he'll soon get the hint that he'll have to address what's going on rather than expecting you to do it xx
Well, if you'd be prepared to put up with a man not parenting his children that's your choice, it doesn't have to be the OPs.
There are many threads on here where people are frustrated by their partner's lack of will to do it and it does affect the relationship. I do think that as the relationship is 'recent' and the OP has no children that she shouldn't have to pick up the slack of her partner.
Thank you for all your comments, its good to get some others point of view and good to know "its not just me", we did have a chat about things last night after seeing some of your posts - we'll see if anything changes, I am a terrible over thinker which I know, but worry about how they will be with him in the future if he lets them carry on, I was a nursery nurse for 10 years so I know the effects life changes have on children etc. Fingers crossed.... Mamamc123...that's exactly what I thought to myself the other night...not my circus haha
This is exactly what lots of SM's of young children experience, and you have explained the reasons for it precisely! GUILT!
All I can say is that, discussion, sensitivity on your part and a little reality on his may help....until then fake it until you make it!
His kids are acting like normal modern society kids. It doesn't mean that it should go without challenging, but it also mean that you can't expect them to transform into perfect little domesticated children just like our generation were (forgetting that were not half as perfect as we remember).
I don't want to be unkind but you not having children does make a difference because you haven't grown in the last years adapting to this change. I moved with my OH when my kids were 9 and 6 and he too doesn't have children. All was good to start with, but when my eldest became a teenager, he found it hard to deal with the messy bedroom, grunting behaviour, finding her phone more important than humans and responding with attitude.
The difference between the way he and I dealt with it, is that I saw this behaviour as an outcome of them being teenagers of this time rather than an outcome of who they were as individuals. It doesn't mean that I didn't reacted to it, but I didn't challenge it in a way that made them feel they were bad kids for acting this way, but annoying kids being teenagers.
I understand your OH's attitude because the reality is that whatever he does to discipline is not going to make them the image of the perfect kid you have in mind, and attempting to do so will only result in him having a go at them constantly and indeed, take away the loving flow that needs to be in place between children and parents.
All the things you are citing as complaints, 75% of parents will moan about their kids too. As long as you don't give them the belief that they are entitled to act like they rule the place, they are likely to become well adjusted adults, much more so than if you build an environment of tension and stress around them.
My DD is now 17, and almost fully on the other side. She excels at school, has never had an alcoholic drink, let alone drug, is not interested in boyfriend. She works week-ends, study hard to get the 4 A stars she is expected at her A levels and do volunteering at a local club. Yes, her bedroom is still a mess, but frankly, I wouldn't trade any of the good things she does for a perfectly tidy bedroom. DS who is three years younger is following on in exactly the same way.
Still, my OH goes on and on about the state of their bedrooms, and manners, I wish he could focus his attention to how lucky we are to have totally trouble less kids instead.
Swift's advice is amazing, she's absolutely right
Have the same problems with DH. He won't give boundaries and any we come up with together SS ignores. DH won't tell him off because "he is sensitive and it would upset him".
So now I don't get involved and have detached. DH hates that but he can't have both ways. DH and my relationship bit wobbly due to his ex and the parenting thing and we had a heart to heart and I won't get involved until I see DH treat me as an equal.
I'd suggest leaving him to it.
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